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Why bother asking if youre going to come anyway

 
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 1:56 pm
My DH and his siblings were raised with an open door policy. They dont stress from company at all. They love the revolving door.
I grew up that guests were planned and prepared for. Needless to say the 1st time we showed up to my inlaws house with the beds unmade and the room flying I was in for a surprise. I got used to their laid back nature and it works nicely for the most part. DH and I love hosting too but I hate squishing company. I dont know why I just find it so unenjoyable. My sil asked a few weeks ago if she can come July 4th weekend with her 4 kids. We have room and are happy to have them and she kids play beautifully with my kids. My inlaws know that I had squishing but they asked anyway if they can join. They ask DH cuz hell never say no and then theyll run it by me " btw dh said it's ok, hope u dont mind if I join"
In the past ive written, why don't you come another week, well enjoy you so much more and there will be more room etc. But I realized they don't care what I have to say. So I let it go. The End
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 2:02 pm
What they want is, to be with you AND your SIL together - because they are likely the type that enjoy a crowd, so it's more fun for them that way. Whether you can bend yourself to accommodate that once in a while is up to you.

However, I think this running it by DH and presenting it to you as fait accompli is not right. But is likely because this is how it's been done in the past. If you don't want it this way, you need to discuss this with your DH.

He needs to learn to say - Ta, Ma, I need to run this by Shaindy and I'll let you know if it works for us - rather than - Sure, Ta, Ma, I'm fine with it so we'll just run it by Shaindy.

The first lets them know you are a team and will decide together. The second makes you the culprit if it doesn't work out, and puts the two of you on oppposite poles - not a good idea in a marriage.
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amother




Rose


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 2:17 pm
DH has to know that he can't agree without you agreeing first.
Is it possible for them or you to find a place to stay nearby and come for meals?
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 2:32 pm
I dont blame DH. I have a hard time saying no to my parents too so I understand being put in that position. Either way I wouldn't feel comfortable saying "dont come" I would just say another week would be better but if this week is best for you well make it work. And then they will of course come.
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Squishy




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 2:48 pm
Have a frank talk with DH. They may be saying if it is ok with Sheindy, would it be ok if we come? Then they call the wife and say DH says it is ok . Is is ok with you?

You outright could say no, but we would love to have you next Shabbos.
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 2:54 pm
Squishy wrote:
Have a frank talk with DH. They may be saying if it is ok with Sheindy, would it be ok if we come? Then they call the wife and say DH says it is ok . Is is ok with you?

You outright could say no, but we would love to have you next Shabbos.


Right. So im not really up to saying no. I will just seem like a b*t*h then. Esp in this type of family. So I just grin and bear it ...
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Squishy




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 3:00 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Right. So im not really up to saying no. I will just seem like a b*t*h then. Esp in this type of family. So I just grin and bear it ...


You need to tell DH not to give a conditional yes. Tell him to her to call you directly. Have him text you a heads up. Everyone shouldn't be having a good time on your back. 8 people is a lot to host.
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amother




Purple


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 3:17 pm
OP - try to carve out some space for yourself, so you personally aren't squishing.

And yes - asking if they can come, even if its just a formality is nicer than just showing up.

Its a joy for the grandparents to see the cousins all together.
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strawberry cola




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 4:09 pm
maybe you and your husband could sleep in a quiet, nearby apartment
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amother




Mint


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 4:21 pm
How often does this come up? I imagine they really want to take the opportunity to spend shabbos with their kids/ grandkids together. Of course you should have a say in the matter either way. But maybe it will help you grin and bear it more easily if you remind yourself that it's a once every six months kind of thing. If it is.
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 5:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So I just grin and bear it ...


op-its a difficult situation that you sound like you are dealing with well.

I must say I commend you for being able to see things from their point of view and realize they have a differnt approach to having guests.

there are many good responses on this thead- I agree with everything chayallee said

I dont now how often this comes up and how big of a deal you want to make of it.

I would say my rule of thumb -is like this.

as nice at it is to bend yourself to give for others- which it really sounds like you are. when it gets to the point that you are getting resentful and feeling pushed around- I think at that point its best to take a step back- which it sounds like you are doing. if people keep bending them more than they want to - it usually ends up backfiring eventually.

this is a sticky situation since its your inlaws and they sound more laid back and have a different approach to having guests.

I dont know enough details to konw if this is possible - if it is I think you may want consider if there are any other possibilites that would be reasonable comprimises

for example - maybe they can still come and sleep by a neighbor- this way they can still be altogether with you and your sil and you will have a bit more space. you can say something like

"would be so nice to have all of you together. we would really like that. how about I try to see if I can find a neigbor that you can stay by. this way the kids will have the space that they are used to"

if that doesnt work- good luck- you sound like a great DIL- KUDOS To YOU!
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 6:37 pm
Mig100 !! Your a rose among the thorns. I spent my entire afternoon doing linens and cleaning my upstairs for my company because I must cook tomorrow and guests will be here early thurs. Thank you for making me feel good! Your right. I am trying to make the best of it especially because I dont want to turn them down. Bh we have a master bdrm/bathroom that we dont share and I can always hang out here. I usually end up with kids in my room when we have this but well see how bedtime goes fri night and if we need to split the kids up.
To answer the question of how often this happens- it happens usually on holiday weekeds so Thanksgiving, xmas etc. Prob about 4 times a year.
Bh my kids are blessed to have their grandparents and im blessed to have the room I just need to keep the right frame of mind.
My mil goes out shabbos afternoon and tells all the neighbors how good I am to her. I know she genuinely appreciates the hospitality so here we are ...
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mig100




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Jul 03 2019, 10:12 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Mig100 !! Your a rose among the thorns. I spent my entire afternoon doing linens and cleaning my upstairs for my company because I must cook tomorrow and guests will be here early thurs. Thank you for making me feel good! Your right. I am trying to make the best of it especially because I dont want to turn them down. Bh we have a master bdrm/bathroom that we dont share and I can always hang out here. I usually end up with kids in my room when we have this but well see how bedtime goes fri night and if we need to split the kids up.
To answer the question of how often this happens- it happens usually on holiday weekeds so Thanksgiving, xmas etc. Prob about 4 times a year.
Bh my kids are blessed to have their grandparents and im blessed to have the room I just need to keep the right frame of mind.
My mil goes out shabbos afternoon and tells all the neighbors how good I am to her. I know she genuinely appreciates the hospitality so here we are ...



op- thanks for your response.

you most definitely should feel good- you are doing great job!!!

im really glad to hear that your mil appreciates you. I often feel that being appreciated is what makes it or break it!!!

you are right that you should appreciate having a big home and wonderful family. that still doesnt unvalidate your need for some time and space for yourself. so no reason to feel guilty

im an introverted person- so I understand this NEED for alone time. if I dont have my alone time- I feel stressed and tense- no matter how much I appreciate the good in life.

I dont think you are looking for advice- more just appreciation and recognition. so ive probably given enough advice already and wont give more.

I will just say that I dream that one day to have a spacious welcoming home- where everyone feels welcoming inviting themselves and enjoys spending time.

at the same time- I hope to have the time to myself that I need. and I hope to be able to balance both in a way thats best for me and my family.

I wish you the same!!

let us know how shabbos goes!!
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