Dificult defiant dificult socially what would you buy her

amother

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 9:00 am

She didnt want to take something important to camp and learnt the lesson the hard way. Now Im sending thru amazon. Id like to add something for her. A l chocolate bar for gulp almost 10 dollars? Or one of these since her recent tactic was to say we give no warmth.

A pillow saying "the love between a mother and daughter grows forever " or I love that you are my daughter (but she will think thaT yes, I love her for my benefit) or something about a smile since she smiles very little.
Maybe this book called "instant happy notes: 101 sticky notr surprises to mske anyone smile " and a sticky pad. Anything from amazon prime. Thanks and I try to type proper english but Im a documented imigrant ;-)

imasinger

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 9:19 am

$10 for a chocolate bar?!

We can surely help you do better than that, or a saying on a pillow that could be easily misinterpreted.

How old is she? What kinds of things have you given her for little presents at home that she enjoys? What are her interests? Some girls would love a new book; others, a cool pillow, a tutu, an art set.

And what's your preferred price range? Under $5? Under $10?

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 9:27 am

Something about your feelings towards her could be misinterpreted at being manipulative or conditional.

If you send a gift, make it VERY specific to her special interests. That way she'll know that you are paying attention to what is important to her. Things like that speak louder than "I love you" when your kid is in that stage.

(I'm a mom of a very challenging teen!)

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 10:02 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Please don't call your daughter so many bad names. I can't look Can't Believe It

My mother did this to me when she thought I didn't hear or know and no amount of presents from her could make me feel better

Give some ideas then how to manage her

amother

Lime

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 10:07 am

It is definitely a great idea to send her something.

Chocolate will melt.
A pillow like that will be terribly embarrassing and is trying to hard.

Stick with something that is either a book about her hobby, a cool pillow in that color, or the hobby book (as long as she is public and confident about her hobby).

Enjoy your summer with her in camp.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 10:30 am

amother [ Vermilion ] wrote:

Give some ideas then how to manage her

You mean, how to control her? She is 17 about to be an adult, you cant control her. But please give us some examples of how she is difficult so that we can guide you better.

amother

Ivory

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 10:33 am

Honestly, I would send a cute throw pillow that matches her sheets. No words on it. Or a mirror with a fun border. Also no words. Or a little cozy rug for next to her bed, if she didn't already bring one. Something neutral that has nothing to do with your relationship.

dankbar

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 10:41 am

A nice letter from home or card "how I miss you" not mussar drashos "like smile etc", could include some pics of family members.

A pic collage from family that she can hang up next to her bed

A box of nosh

maybe an autograph where she can have friends sign

a camp chair

a nice beach towel with her name

a fancy cosmetics bag

a nice scented body lotion

amother

Lime

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 10:45 am

Warning to all- do not engage (in the managing/controling aspect of this thread) unless you want to be ripped apart.
you will be criticized, told that you and your daughter need both individual and "couples " therapy, and no actual helpful advice will be dispensed.

This will get very nasty, very fast.

Let the show commence.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 11:11 am

You are rewarding bad behavior. She refused to bring the item. Now you must incur extra postage. And you want to reward her for that?

Take the postage out of her earnings. She should have negative consequences for being difficult

Save the present for when she does something sweet like calls you for shabbos even if it is mandatory, and even if this costs you extra postage not to ship the 2 items together. Let her positive consequences. Send her a pair of earrings. You could get them in any budget.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 11:24 am

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

We dont know what this "important" thing is so not sure if I would withhold at this point. We also dont know if this girl is "difficult" or simply wants to be treated like an older teenager who is almost an adult but is being treated like a child with no say in her own personal life (which causes power struggles). We have to know more about the situation before dispensing this kind of advice as it may cause more harm than good.

That said, a neutral care package just shows that mom cares about her daughter unconditionally even if she perceives her daughter to be "difficult". I wouldnt make the daughter "earn" the care package as that further proves that this is a problematic situation where the daughter is expected to be a certain way in order to be shown some love as that is conditional love and perpetuate the problem further.

amother

Lime

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 11:25 am

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

Wow! I wish you were my mom!!!
Either you don't have teenagers or you have perfect children.

amother

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 11:31 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Thanks!

mha3484

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 11:38 am

I tell myself with younger kids (but I think it applies to everyone) that if they are giving me a hard time, they are having an even harder time. If you think about it that way, it makes it a lot easier to relate to them. I find that my interactions with my kids get way way less stressful if I can see it with that lens.

Everyone has a different love language and if hers is gifts I think sending her a nice care package is great! Its not rewarding bad behavior its meeting her where she is at and trying to build a relationship.

gande

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 11:51 am

We dont know the whole story but it does seem like she is testing you. I would send the item she needs and a day or two later surprise her with a gift that you put thought into that SHE would want or enjoy. Sending her stuff to remind her to smile won't help- only sabotage. Its sort of like preaching. You can include a small note though saying.. hoping and praying that you should have a good time...