Dificult defiant dificult socially what would you buy her

amother

Ecru

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 12:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You know what ? No sermons please because its a safe haven. Please only reply if you have such a child who is quite at risk and/or may cholila be the next adult shvere mentch of town (chas vesholom of course)

I dont have a shvera teen but I’ve got a shvera mini guy who thinks he’s a teen. Someone referred me to Blimie Heller- besides for classes she does individual coaching and you can ask her specific questions. I love her approach. And for the mother above who was made a snide comment about going for help- theres nothing wrong with having someone guide you when things are tough and confusing. Why should you need to fudge it on your own?

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 12:27 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

Wow! I wish you were my mom!!!
Either you don't have teenagers or you have perfect children.

I have older teenagers. Sometimes my kids wouldn't agree with you. They aren't glad I am their mom especially when they tell me how strict I am.

I have wonderful children with beautiful midos, and they tried that teenage stuff. You can't give in when they are pushing the boundaries or being disrespectful. It's not easy. I do have good communication and tell them why I seem holding a certain line.

How else can you teach consequences ? The other people in the adult world are not so adoring of your children.

amother

Lime

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 1:25 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

You probably are very lucky and have pretty perfect kids, I have more than one teen and if my oldest was an only, I would agree with you. Not all children are wired the same way and respond the same even when brought up identically. OP titled the tread as difficult defiant difficult socially. Reading the initial post, I would ask if one of mine, who is unlike all the siblings, was separated at birth and is a twin of hers. It does not work the same as with the other children. So bottom line, your recommendations, while I'm sure are well meant, are likely (at least in my experience) not on target and quite insulting.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 1:47 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

I don't think anyone has perfect kids. My kids range from easy to extremely difficult with a diagnosis - ADHD the complex kind also on the spectrum. That child received a speech at graduation from the Rosh Yeshiva for midos. We went from screaming meltdowns with tantruming on the floor in grocery stores to this. I didn't discuss the diagnoses with the school.

Giving teens natural consequences for bad behavior and defiance is common sense. You don't want to bring the item, then you pay for the postage. My mother would have made me do without the item. Rewarding defiance with a chocolate bar or a pillow is counterintuitive. The squeaky wheel shouldn't get rewarded.

When the defiant child shows love or affection then you give the bonuses. Cement that behavior. Anything else you are growing the problem. At 17, you need to think how being difficult socially will effect shidduchim. OP you don't have long to fix this.

amother

Ivory

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 1:51 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

Every child, parent, and relationship is different. If there's one thing that makes me discredit a parenting method, it's someone claiming that it works for every relationship.

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 1:58 pm

Back to the original question, if she likes jokes maybe you can send some books of jokes. Readers Digest has books that are compilations of jokes from their magazines. They are available on Amazon Prime and are usually clean/teen appropriate.

I can't search and send links myself right now, but in Amazon search for Laughter the Best Medicine Readers Digest and some options will come up.

If she likes puzzle-like activities you can also easily find books of logic puzzles, crosswords, sodoku, etc on Amazon Prime. You can send that with maybe a package of colored gel pens or something like that.

If she likes games, maybe a small game or two, and that would be something she can do with her bunkmates.
If she's into hair, maybe a book with step by step instructions for different kinds of hair styles or braids.

dankbar

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 2:14 pm

By 17 you cant be mechanech anymore. Yes you dont have to run after their every meshugas & they have to own up & be responsible on their own but punishing or only giving gifts for behaving is childish. They are adults already.

You dont know if the item she needs is pads or eyeglasses which are neccessities she cant live without etc.....

yksraya

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 2:58 pm

You don't need to prove to her you love her. If you love her, the energy comes through to her even if she claims she doesn't feel it.

If there is no love, a million dollars won't replace love.

Just pack something yummy and simple. Home baked cookies (if you have any), some nosh/chocolates, you can do a color theme if you want it to be cute. Add a cute notepad and pen or something like that if you find any. The main thing is she should feel your love by no matter what it is you actually sent.

Packed it up with all the love you can muster. And say a teffila your hishtadlus should have a good outcome.

Much hatzlacha.

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Jul 05 2019, 6:59 pm

Yes, you can definitely still be mechanic a 17 year old. No, they are not adults.

It is a special kind of chinuch, that requires alot of respect and communication, but it is chinuch. A 17 year old still needs limits, and natural consequences. And alot of love, support, communication, and guidance.

17 is hard, because they seem so grown up, and they can really hurt us personally. They are very good at pointing out our flaws! But that is because they feel so frightened and flawed inside...

Guide, coach, repeat loving things, show them their strengths, model strength and commitment, set limits, allow natural consequences to fall in place... that's chinuch at 17. Good Shabbos.

debsey

Sat, Jul 06 2019, 10:22 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Please don't call your daughter so many bad names. I can't look Can't Believe It

My mother did this to me when she thought I didn't hear or know and no amount of presents from her could make me feel better

I don't understand your comment.

She is using descriptive words to explain the type of daughter she has, and why she needs to be careful in her gift choice.

She didn't say 'bratty, obnoxious, spoiled' or anything like that.

It's hard enough to parent a challenging teenager. When someone reaches out for support, don't respond to that with bashing.

If you feel like you must comment on something the poster said that you disagree with, explain your disagreement clearly.

Saying "I can't look" comes across as an attack.

amother

Green

Sat, Jul 06 2019, 11:45 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

What do you mean that you didn’t discuss the diagnosis with the school? If the child’s behavior was that bad, wouldn’t it be apparent at school as well?
I agree with your natural consequence approach and was thinking the same when reading the op. Why send a reward for defiant behavior? However, each child is different and we don’t have enough information to judge or to blame the parenting. Some parents do all the right things and still have a difficult child.

amother

Blue

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 7:29 am

I had a similar situation last year , my 17 y.o forgot her SAT review book and I ended up buying new book on Amazon and sending it to her camp - I was a little upset at her at first , but stuff happens , I called her and asked her what else she would want since I am sending a package anyway - she told me some snacks , a book she would like to read and I also included little stuffed animal - and wrote something like if you or your campers feel homesick and need a hug ( this was her first time going to sleep away camp , she never went as a camper).

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 7:39 am

debsey wrote:

I'm sorry OP. I was highly triggered. I will be more careful next time.

debsey

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 4:13 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

I'm sorry OP. I was highly triggered. I will be more careful next time.

Wow, Firebrick, I have respect for you. It's so rare to find someone apologizing on here. I hope it's OK that I brought it to your attention.

(and I'm glad that you have come so far from your own challenging childhood that you can recognize your triggers - impressive.)