How to get my children to..

amother

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 8:46 am

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

I think the bigger issue ( which you didn’t mention) is where is your husband?
My husband does not like newborns or fighting, kvetchy children. Granted he is busy earning a living and keeping up with his learning, but I explained to him that it’s basic menschlachkeit; basic middos to help me when he sees I need help. With many men you have to be specific and tell them exactly what to do. I told my husband that I cannot get the younger ones into bed if the baby is screaming. His job was 1- BE HERE
2- hold the baby during bedtime so he doesn’t scream

With an 11 year old girl, I would ask her from time to time “ Fraidy, Moishy spilled his snack bag. Can you please take the broom and sweep it up”? Thank her profusely. Tell her how much it means to you when she helps you keep the house neat. Then let her go back to her book or friend. You can’t expect her to be attuned enough to take over.

Yes. All this is exactly describing my family.
Thanks for understanding, we have to all get into a routine.

ddmom

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 9:00 am

I find that making a chart works well with my kids.
I ask them to help everyday for about 10/15 minutes.
That's part of chinuch to teach them that the house runs well if everybody contributes!
Don't worry they still get to play and act like children the rest of the time!
Op unless I remind them they don't do it! Don't expect your 11yr old to know when to step in. Ask and praise and reward occasionally to show her you appreciate!

amother

Navy

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 11:39 am

I snapped at my DD9 for giving me lots of attitude when I asked her to clear the shabbos table. After reading this I feel like I should be clear with her about her role so she knows it’s an expectation each week. She will clear 2 or 3 things and then go back to reading- when I ask her to continue she snaps at me- what else should I do when there is still clearly a table full of stuff.
My issue is the snappy attitude. Will that get better if she knows it’s her job every week?

ddmom

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 11:46 am

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

If you tell her your expectations from the beginning, there will be less of a fight.
At the beginning she will try to get away from doing it but don't get into an argument with her just point out that the job is not finished yet!
(Nothing wrong with a bribe at the beginning.)

amother

Pink

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 11:50 am

Probably. But, is she the only kid expected to clear? Do her siblings have expected tasks as well?
I remember feeling extremely resentful as a teenager when I had several siblings close to me in age and after shabbos meals I was the only one expected to clear, wash and dry, sweep etc while my parents and siblings sat in the living room and relaxed and didn't lift a finger. And got yelled at it I complained.

Zehava

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 11:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I would love for her to be more attuned to what’s going on. If the newspapers are all over the living room right where she’s sitting to make them into a pile?
She just doesn’t see it..
Or she’s in the kitchen and there’s a snack bag that spilled all over the floor to sweep it up..
Truth is, none of my kids see messes..

They’re kids! They shouldn’t see messes! They make the messes. What did you do at that age?

amother

Teal

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 11:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

All kids are like that. My mother always complained why if we see the garbage full dont we take it out. Why she has to tell us what to do and when. Truth is when its not their responsibility, they just dont notice things

ddmom

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 11:58 am

amother [ Navy ] wrote:

Sorry double post

ddmom

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:03 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

Yes that's not fair!
It really works much better when everyone is expected to help.
And preferably at the same time.

Laiya

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wouldn't expected a child to be bothered by an entire room that's messy, but when they come into direct contact with it, I try to get them to notice what's in their immediate surroundings. Example dc sits down on the couch to read a book and tosses a few other books that were left on the couch, onto the floor. I'll say, stop. Look down. Do you see those books now on the floor? Where do books go? (Answer: not on the floor or the couch.) Dc should get the hint at that point and puts them away.

Or if dc steps over garbage that's on the floor. I'll say, stop, look down. Do you see something that you just stepped over, that doesn't belong there? Where does it go? Thank you!

notshanarishona

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:09 pm

I think kids at the age 10-12 should have been 10-15 minutes of household chores maximum per day. Expecting them to take the initiative is unreasonable and maybe possible to expect from an older teenager unless your specific child has a good nature/likes to be helpful. Something like holding the baby for a minute while you are dealing with the toddler is also a normal request as long as its not all day every day. Bottom line is if you are not coping , you need to hire help.

Laiya

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Be helpful without my constant asking/ reminders?
Is that even possible?
My 11 year old loves to sit on the couch reading all day and all night . The room is flying , her newborn baby brother is screaming . Her 3 younger brothers are chasing each other around the house and my daughter is oblivious to what’s happening!
Am I expecting too much of her?
I do have my older boys clean the toys before bedtime every night..

How can I get my oldest daughter to be helpful and not a couch potato.
Thanks.

Someone once gave me a suggestion for encouraging the kids to all work together. A marble jar. For instance you say, If this living room can get cleaned in 3 minutes, you'll put 3 marbles in the jar. But only if all 4 kids work together.

As others said, you probably need to specify each thing. Newspapers into recycling, blocks into the bin, that pair of shoes into the closet, etc. When the jar is full they each get a small prize, like slurpees.

yksraya

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 12:23 pm

I once heard from an expert, not to expect from kids to be responsible for anything around the house such as childcare, cleaning etc. They can have a daily job. They can be asked to help out. They can babysit (if old enough). But the responsibility of it should not be placed on them.

You can ask her "please hold the crying baby" or "pls play with toddler". But you can't make her responsible for having to notice on her own and step in for you.

happy chick

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 1:56 pm

I wish my husband would read this post. he is forever telling my older bunch (10, 8 & 7) how theres a mess or the baby is crying and why they wont clean up or pick up the baby. they didnt choose to have younger siblings. we had the fun making them, we gotta take responsibility for them. just my two cents.

amother

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 2:53 pm

happy chick wrote:

Hah
yup.
All this is true here too..

amother

Beige

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 3:08 pm

OP, another idea is to teach kids from toddlerhood to clean up after themselves. When they finish eating, everyone should throw away theirs own garbage or take out their own plates. When they finish reading a book, they need to pack it away......

urban gypsy

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 10:02 am

bobeli wrote:

I disagree with all the posters that said she is too young. I'm going to guess you are all from the USA.
its just been aware, you are not asking her to mop every time something spills but if you see something, do something.
I think it's part of the entitled culture in this generation and more so in ny

I totally disagree. I think the concept of "cleaning as you go along" is just a choice, or a personality type. I am like this and I think I've instilled a lot of anxiety in my oldest daughter as a result of her watching me. She feels very nervous about messes, stops what she's doing to tidy often, and finds it hard to relax and play. I regret modeling that behaviour to her.

I think it is reasonable to expect kids to 1) clean up after themselves and put away something when they are done with it 2) to pitch in at the end of the day for tidy up time

Cleaning as you go along is not at all necessarily the more efficient or responsible choice

ddmom

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:42 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

Get cleaning help.

And birth control.

NOW.

Great advice!
The easiest way to not have chinuch issues is to not have children!
(I'm being sarcastic! Not sure how this answer comes in when someone ask chinuch advice! Tongue Out

)