How to get my children to..

watergirl

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Don’t worry everyone, she plays and gets lots of reading time too.! And yes, the biggest incentive for her to help out lekovod shobbas is we reserve books online from the library. Every week I pick up her reserved books..
So yes prob. My fault too bec. I do encourage and get her those new exciting books.

What? How will it help things if she doesn't have books? Shabbos is crazy long at this time of the year. Do you really think that she will all of a sudden develop a more mature intuition to jump up and help without being asked? She is 11. You HAVE to ask point blank when you need something done.

Heres a question. I assume the newspaper thats spread out on the floor does not belong to her. A newspaper is an adult’s item. The adult who left it out should be the one responsible for the mess it created. Same with the snack bag. A three year old can take the dust pan and sweet the bissli up.

In my house, I have this crazy thing. No one has the ability to read minds. So, until my kids can learn to become accomplished legilimens, I have to be blunt and to the point.

9mother

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 6:46 pm

Wow! First of all that's amazing that shes able to do it! It shouldn't be her responsibility and bother her that the rest of the children are being hard for you. You can ask her if the child is being reasonable to watch the baby for 30 minutes if its after a full day of daycamp. She needs to unwind this is her turn of being a kid. To me I love when my daughters tune out and just do what they need to do. When my oldest(cuz being an oldest senses,,) stops doing what shes doing and comes to pick up a child and say something. I almost feel like hey why you noticing that I'm not managing I'll get to it in a few minutes . It's very nice of her to notice it, but it's really not her responsibility and she shouldn't notice it.
For example, I know someone who she used to come home from school and her mother would hate ot when the house was a bit of disarray because this specific daughter would come home and clean up before sitting down.
It used to kill the mother, cuz she just wanted her daughter to be a kid and ignore qhats not her job.and mind u the house was not messy. Bh this girl grew up and yes she let's her house be normal messy and cleans it at the end of the day. Because we all want to raise normal and healthy kids .
Good luck! If you have anymore questions send it our way.

amother

Pewter

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 6:47 pm

9mother wrote:

But at what point should they stop “being a kid” in this scenario? Is it still ok if “kids” in their high teens are doing their own thing? 🤔

amother

Smokey

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 6:53 pm

I think at 11 it’s reasablt to be task based to their ability. Helping should be part of growing up. In fact it’s found that kids enjoy helping more when they are younger and if you just introduce them to responsibility to when they are older you missed the boat.

I don’t think an 11 year old should be expected to realize these tasks on their own.

Perhaps:
Shabbos morning set the table
During meal help bring out salads (or even prepare a salad)
Late Shabbos afternoon clean up living room
After Shabbos party make sure garbage is thrown away.

If a baby is screaming I think it’s fair to say can you hold the baby while I ... and then take the baby back after - so it’s not long time. Or offer daughter to do that task while you hold baby.

It’s also helpful to know kids strengths - like one daughter enjoys organizing. So she may enjoy a cleaning job. Or another may enjoy kids more. It’s best if tasks feed to strengths.

Also if kids are helping out it’s only fair they get extras. Like a sneaked in treat with a wink and thanks for the help.
Or being acknowledged at the Shabbos table with a specific praise.
Instead of it being my mother keeps telling me what I’m doing wrong and missing let it be my mother is telling me all the good that I’m doing.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 7:00 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

Get cleaning help.

And birth control.

NOW.

Because she had an overhwhelming Shabbos, her little kids were being kids, and her baby was crying? Oh maybe its because the newspapers weren't in a perfect pile or there was a spilled snack bag on the floor?

Seriously. What a strange suggestion...

I'm overhwlemed as a mother to one toddler. I'll probably always be - I'm not super neat and organized. I'm a patient, loving, and attentive mother, a caring supprtive wife though. Should I just be on birth control forever because I find it hard to keep my apartment clean?

amother

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 8:41 pm

Thank you everyone for all your suggestions.
I really appreciate it,
( and yes my daughter is great at multi tasking . she's reading a book on the couch while holding the baby.)
Lol.
At least they're both happy while I got some other kids bathed and in bed..