Modern orthodox which side pays for the wedding?

amother

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 7:33 pm

I’m not American. We moved to the US awhile ago with teens. Someone told me that in the secular American society the girl side pays for everything and the groom pays for the rehearsal. How is it in the MO Circles?

jd1212

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 7:39 pm

We split and I think that’s the norm, but we also came from similar backgrounds financially. I’ve never heard of frum weddings having a rehearsal because the couple doesn’t see each other for a week before.

ROFL

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 7:43 pm

First wedding we divided half and half. Very wonderful In Laws.
Second wedding the other family gave a specific Amount they were giving and we gave about two thousand more than them
Most families split the wedding s in half or do FLOP. ( flowers liquor orchestra and photo. Recently shelitals have been added but that is not needed.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 7:58 pm

Also, ime (admittedly limited), it is only the wedding, not setting up the couple. So any jewelry (engagement ring etc.) Is purchased by the couple themselves, same with furniture etc.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Jul 07 2019, 8:24 pm

I'm MO and our parents split most things--photographer, flowers, band, etc, and then each paid for their own guests. I've also heard of doing flops in more right wing circles.

FYI the thing about the bride's side paying in secular circles is old fashioned and not done so often anymore. Of my nonjewish and non observant friends, there were all kinds of different arrangements--people get married later, and a lot of couples save up and pay themselves, or parents contributed a lump sum based on what they were able/willing to contribute.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 1:29 am

MO here, kallah's side. We had lump sum, we all agreed on how we wanted wedding to be and mechutanim paid the extra (substantial, but less than our) amount.

amother

Indigo

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 6:17 am

I never heard that secular couples let the girls parents pay the whole wedding? Most of my family is completely secular/intermarried and they all split the cost in half or the "kids" paid it themselves because they were working and saved up money.

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 8:47 am

Rehearsing is ideal to spoil the whole beautyof it. Do they also rehearse the wedding night

Half half unless one has more guests or higher expectations should be the norm

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 10:21 am

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

This is an older tradition, at one time considered standard, but now (obviously) times are changing. There were certain expenses borne by the groom's family, but the bride's paid for most, perhaps because of the tradition of giving a dowry.

BatyaEsther

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 10:46 am

If you are asking because you are preparing to plan a wedding, Mazel Tov!!!!

Last edited by BatyaEsther on Mon, Jul 08 2019, 10:49 am; edited 1 time in total

BatyaEsther

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 10:47 am

Ruchel wrote:

Rehearsing is ideal to spoil the whole beautyof it. Do they also rehearse the wedding night

Half half unless one has more guests or higher expectations should be the norm

What kind of an absurd comment is this?
We additionally already established that frum wedding typically do not have a rehearsal dinner-I have never heard of one having a rehearsal dinner, but don't make absolute statements, as you never know the exception to the rule or the reasons behind.
Are you not paying attention or do you just like to be snide?

Posted under my SN because you should be embarrassed by your inappropriate and insulting manors.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 10:50 am

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

Re bride's family paying for the entire wedding, it was a 1950s kinda thing. Nowadays, the couple pays, and whomever can and wants to contribute among the parents does. I was just talking to a secular friend whose DD just got engages, and she's going to chat with the man's family to see what, if anything, they're contributing.

Sometimes it works that way for MO as well. Or its split, more or less. I say more or less because I know plenty of families that have thrown their arms up and said "this is what we have; if you want a wedding that costs more than double that, have at it." Usually where one side wants the fanciest venue and all kinds of extras on the food. Also, if one side has a lot more guests, its only fair for them to pay more.

Amarante

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 11:03 am

Ruchel wrote:

Rehearsing is ideal to spoil the whole beautyof it. Do they also rehearse the wedding night

The rehearsal dinner is generally a way for the closest friends and family to get together in a more relaxed setting the night before the actual wedding. Often times the family may not live in the same city and/or may not have met each other before the event.

As for the actual rehearsal, you should really be more respectful of other's customs. Typically a rehearsal does not atl spoil the beauty and pageantry of the actual ceremony. It is much more of a blocking out type of experience so that the various participants know when they are supposed to go down the aisle - where they are supposed to sit or stand and approximately how long it will take for things to happen. I have NEVER heard anyone compare the rehearsal to the actual wedding or feel that it undercut the experience in any way.

tichellady

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 12:47 pm

There are no rules about this. Different families do different things. For one of our family weddings my parents paid less because they wanted a less fancy wedding and for another wedding they paid more because the in laws didn’t have s good financial situation. For another wedding they did flops.

Ruchel

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 2:54 pm

BatyaEsther wrote:

loooool

BatyaEsther

Mon, Jul 08 2019, 2:59 pm

Ruchel wrote:

loooool

What does that even mean?
Is that an apology for taking inaccurate and uninformed stabs at and insulting a community which you do not seem to be a part of?