"May you never have a problem greater than this one."

amother

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 12:04 am

yerushamama wrote:

I really don't understand how this phrase, by itself, gives over the message that "other people have REAL problems". It's like when I give a pregnant woman, who knows that my labors were all B"H straightforward and relatively easy "may your labor be easier than my easiest labor". I'm not trying to remind you how hard it can be - just the opposite! It is a genuine bracha that you have things easy!

If it is said in a sarcastic or condescending tone, it is obviously not meant as a bracha, but that is the case for any bracha.

You really don't see how that sounds like you're trying to make someone else's pregnancy all about you?

BatyaEsther

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 12:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You really don't see how that sounds like you're trying to make someone else's pregnancy all about you?

Not the poster, just a 3rd party observer- Not at all. I would appreciate the bracha.

singleagain

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 12:16 am

BatyaEsther wrote:

Not the poster, just a 3rd party observer- Not at all. I would appreciate the bracha.

I kinda agree.. Especially when specifically, saying something like "easy labor"

It's that in general "you don't have it so bad" that is really irksome

Really.. any platitude that essentially invalidates and dismisses someone's feelings is hurtful.. but if you make a bit more specific... It can maybe (situation/tone/relationship dependant etc) be more palatable.

yerushamama

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 12:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You really don't see how that sounds like you're trying to make someone else's pregnancy all about you?

How does it make it about me? I don't use the opportunity to tell over my stories, just give a bracha based on my experience!

amother

Lavender

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 12:36 am

yerushamama wrote:

When I was once in my 9th month, I ran into an acquaintance. She wished me an easy labor, but said it very sincerely. I happened to have known that she had had a very difficult labor recently, where she and her baby were lucky to have had good outcomes.

I was so touched. She gave me a sincere bracha without referencing herself at all. That labor turned out to be my easiest and quickest. I've always attributed it to this woman's sincere bracha.

yerushamama

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 12:56 am

amother [ Lavender ] wrote:

At first, that was how I gave the bracha as well. One of my labor coaches pointed out, that since my labors were easy, adding that in makes the bracha stronger.

Back to the original discussion - I am still trying to understand in what type of scenario this comment would NOT be a bracha. When you discuss a problem with a friend, and regardless of whether this is your worst problem or not, she says to you "may you never have a bigger problem than this", how is it anything other than a bracha? If you have experienced people making sarcastic "brachas", I am very sorry, and hope that you find friends that understand your needs better in the future.

Sunny Days

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 1:30 am

giselle wrote:

Just because I have first world problems doesn’t mean they’re my worst problems. Without going into identifying details, my friend told me she was in a store where two women were discussing the intricate details and decisions over a trivial item, while she was dealing with serious issues. After discussing it though, we both came to the conclusion that it didn’t mean these women weren’t going through even more difficult struggles. Maybe they needed to focus on this so they could feel normal. Maybe it was a distraction. Who knows. I feel good focusing on stupidities. It takes my mind off of the real problems.

Exactly!

yerushamama

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 3:05 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Having to qualify the bracha is suspect. Why not wish for them to also not have more problems of this magnitude?

Why does qualifying it make it suspect? As for not having problems of this magnitude, I have only heard it said of objectively small problems.

salt

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 3:28 am

chestnut wrote:

Um, aren't we talking about "may it be your worse problem" phrase?

Yes, but she's just giving another example of a phrase that is, in essence, a bracha, but winds you up the wrong way.

Another such example, is if an annoying non-profit organization is calling, and persuading me to donate, and I donate a small sum, perhaps a little bit reluctantly, and then they say "thank you. May you always be on the giving end, and not the receiving" - like, "ok ok, message received amen thank you bye bye".

Metukah

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 3:55 am

cm wrote:

I never hear this spoken in a serious way about serious problems. I hear people make such comments in a jovial way when the "complainer" is worried about something that is not so terrible, not unlike a Jewish #firstworldproblems, and knows it

For example, "I have been debating whether or not to get the moon roof option and heated seats for the new car."
Response: "This should be the worst of your problems. Either way, enjoy it in good health."

It means, "Thank G-d, life is good."

Exactly this. I've only ever heard it used in this context and I have only ever used it it in this context.

Obviously, if someone is feeling troubled or in pain, then this is completely inappropriate and condescending. But, if for example, I'm complaining that I really don't know which 1 of 2 dresses to buy for a wedding, or if I complain that my kids barely get to wear their shabbos dresses because they have too many... Then I think this comment is totally okay.

allthingsblue

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 7:30 am

debsey wrote:

I think of it as passive aggressive mussar and don't like it at all.
I'll give an example - I once splurged on a very expensive dress and before I got to wear it, the lace tore. I went back to the store and couldn't get a refund. I was telling a relative about it and I got that comment.

I happen to have MANY problems that are way bigger than that one, but sometimes a small, annoying problem makes all the big ones seem worse. Hearing that comment just made me feel so dismissed and invalidated.

I would never say it for something like that.
I would think it if you told me a store ran out of whole wheat pizza and now someone needed to get plain; if a tshirt is sold out in black and now someone has to get the white instead; if a manicured nail chips. I probably wouldn't actually say it other than to my siblings and, dh.

singleagain

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 7:38 am

yerushamama wrote:

Why does qualifying it make it suspect? As for not having problems of this magnitude, I have only heard it said of objectively small problems.

Problems by definition are subjective. The way a person reacts to or deals with any given situation is a subjective reaction, based on things like history, state of mind, everything else going in their life up to that moment.

And I know for me... When I get upset over what you say is a small thing, for me.. it's often the straw that broke the camel's back. Actually.. I don't like that saying... Let's call it... A water balloon that burst from overfilling. "It's just a drop of water" but you can't tell how many other drops of water I'm already trying to hold. And that little drop added, causes my balloon to burst and all the water comes flooding out all over the place.

So, if I get upset at what you think is a small problem... Please consider that I don't want to get upset at that either.. But I'm only human and I can only keep going for so long before I burst.

yerushamama

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 7:51 am

singleagain wrote:

Objectively small problems - which dress should I wear, too many pictures to fit in the album, two simchas the same night....

singleagain

Wed, Jul 10 2019, 8:02 am

yerushamama wrote:

Objectively small problems - which dress should I wear, too many pictures to fit in the album, two simchas the same night....

Dress A was given to be my my mom and she likes to see me in the stuff she buys me, but dress B is more my color and flatters me better. Do I make my mom happy or pick myself for a change? All of this is preceded by a complicated mother daughter relationship and a person struggling with standing up for herself.

If I don't include certain pictures of certain ppl in my album they will be insulted and bring it up for the next twenty years how I left them out. Everything has to be tit for tat with them and any perceived insult becomes a big deal.

If I skip either simcha I insult someone and they both really want me there. I've known this one since childhood but that's a family member. I can't do both logistically and I really love both these people. But also I'm a people pleaser and don't like hurting anyone's feelings.

You never know what is going on in someone else's mind. Don't judge them.

I'm not saying you have to be completely understanding or make up scenarios like I did. But at least they to sympathize "that sounds difficult for you" instead of dismissive "may you never know real problems"