Question for those who used to be secular

amother

Sun, Jul 14 2019, 9:10 pm

I am not a BT and grew up very sheltered. was never exposed to the norms of the non Jewish world. so I am curious- is it normal in the non jewish world for 2 strangers- a man and a woman- to meet in a grocery store or a park or a museum and after 2 min of chatting exchange phone numbers? Or at least not exchange numbers but agree to meet up later for drinks at a bar a restaurant etc? and talk some more?

Do non jewish people strike up conversations with random strangers and thus develop relationships or friendships?

I know in the jewish world espc frum everyone knows someone else's cousin and you naturally feel safer chatting with a frum stranger and then you find out after 2 min of chatting that you both know so and so..

But do secular people do that too? For example today, my friend was in line at target and a cute looking guy struck up a conversation while they were waiting, offered her to go in front of him in line etc and eventually asked her for her name - which she lied and said a made up name, and then after 5 min of polite chatting asked her if shed like to join him for drinks later at the name of a bar. and she was like um no thanks Im good and he looked a bit shocked and hurt..
she said aside from the fact that Im frum obviously I wouldnt do that, did he really think Id do that if he is a total stranger?
so is that considered acceptable for strangers in the secular world?

dee's mommy

Sun, Jul 14 2019, 9:22 pm

is it normal in the non jewish world for 2 strangers- a man and a woman- to meet in a grocery store or a park or a museum and after 2 min of chatting exchange phone numbers? Or at least not exchange numbers but agree to meet up later for drinks at a bar a restaurant etc? and talk some more?

Possibly. Didn't happen with me a whole lot, because even then there was still some matchmaking going on, such as a friend introducing you, or you already know the person. It did happen once with me that young man I never met before asked for my number at a library. I gave it to him, but after regretted it. I had my parents answer that phone call and tell him I wasn't home. He never called again. Even though I grew up secular, I was pretty sheltered too.

Long after I did teshuva, and after I was married an old male friend of mine suggested we go for coffee. I don't think he meant anything inappropriate, but the thought of it appalled me at the time. I never responded to that suggestion.

[color=Font Color]Do non jewish people strike up conversations with random strangers and thus develop relationships or friendships?[/color]

Yes.

imasinger

Sun, Jul 14 2019, 9:44 pm

It's not particularly unusual. Most often, people meet through someone in common, but since there are no rules keeping one gender from talking to another, a self confident person might ask for an exchange of phone numbers, invite an attractive stranger to meet again. The person being asked can say yes or no.

Because of the cultural differences, your friend my have come across as available and interested.

I'm a little more surprised at a sheltered young frum woman chatting with a cute non frum/non Jewish stranger than I am at said stranger offering an invitation.

amother

Sun, Jul 14 2019, 10:14 pm

she was friendly yes but in a polite way. she said they were talking about how long the checkout lines were, how long they had been waiting.. things that were neutral and she answered in a friendly polite way. she wasnt "chatting with a cute non jewish guy". He said where he was from and then asked her where she was from and then she realized it was too friendly, more than just 2 strangers passing the time in a long checkout line and thats when she was surprised he would even take it to that level...
once she checked out she said goodbye politely but firmly and he was surprised. she just couldn't believe that he would even think she would say yes since they were 100% total strangers. not even a mutual friends party or something like that...

amother

Sun, Jul 14 2019, 10:16 pm

imasinger wrote:

what would make the person say yes if they are total strangers?! in todays day and age?

amother

Aubergine

Sun, Jul 14 2019, 10:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

what would make the person say yes if they are total strangers?! in todays day and age?

I would assume they would meet up in a public place such as a coffee shop.
He/she could also research their name on social media, LinkedIn etc..

imasinger

Sun, Jul 14 2019, 11:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

what would make the person say yes if they are total strangers?! in todays day and age?

I have been frum for decades, but I read the news. In today's day and age, my dear, it's considered completely normal to go onto a site like Tinder, and meet with someone whose picture and profile appeals to them, whom they've never met at all IRL. There are also dating apps that show you which available single people are within walking distance of your current location, etc.

Meeting for a drink in a public place isn't considered very risky. People tend to trust their judgment, and most people can tell if a person is not someone they'd feel safe meeting, and say no.

Honestly, to many millennials I know, the idea of having a drink with the pleasant stranger on the Target line would be cute and kind of quaint.

It's a very different world out there.

naturalmom5

Sun, Jul 14 2019, 11:14 pm

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

Im FFB and I wouldnt even chat with another frum person. Ever. You have no idea who this person is theres all kinds of creepy stories out there even with frum people. Its a scary world out there.

Excuse me but I went out with a good number of total psychopaths with a shadchan and sorts of references

I would say that I met way more quality guys at MO shabatons and singles events than I did with well meaning chesed ladies

amother

Fuchsia

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 12:38 am

secular or not in this day and age it does not make sense to meet up with a total stranger even in a public place or give a total stranger your number though some guys would hit on the woman

she was smart to firmly say goodbye

and what is this about his reaction being shocked or hurt? thats just weird for all he knows she is seeing someone seriously

essie14

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 12:39 am

naturalmom5 wrote:

Yes yes yes and yes.
I am a much better judge of character for myself then shadchanim were. The setups were the worst!

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 12:49 am

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

What is it about this "day and age" that makes you say that?

amother

Aqua

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 1:55 am

It could be normal, could be not. It's hard to know why he was surprised or shocked at the rejection - maybe he's an entitled jerk or maybe he's a totally nice guy and it was the manner in which she rejected him that threw him off.

FWIW, when I was secular I once met a guy on a line to somewhere and we went out for a few weeks. It didn't work out but it was a cute way to meet someone. (Oh, you met online? No, we met while in a line....)

amother

Crimson

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 4:53 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

My father saw my mom on a bus and followed her, striking up the conversation, which lead to dating and marriage. They are both jewish, not frum, and it was in 1970s, not in the US or israel

Hey, that is like my parents except it was the late 1960s in SF on a cable car. 😉

ETA, you can make it happen that way too if you are frum and a bit sneaky. I was interested in my DH the moment I saw him in the street but we are both frum so I couldn’t just move in on him. Instead I made it known to mutual parties of my interest and eventually, 1.5 years later, we were suggested to each other as a Shidduch. Needless to say, our dating and engagement period was very short! 😙

amother

Wheat

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 6:35 am

It is done. One of my great uncles met his wife in a train, thought she was cute and asked her out right away. They were married for over 50 years (both Jewish and secular).
It's still done nowadays. I was asked out this way aswell when I wasn't frum... I don't see anything wrong with it.
Also it happens in the frum world. My best friend from yerushalayim was sitting next to a woman on a bus who asked her if she's in shidduchim and then called her mom to suggest her son. They've been married for 8 years and are very happy.