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If you made a bris and you had a lot of OOT family
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amother




Denim


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 3:14 pm
The only time I made a bris was on a Sunday and I expected family to come for Shabbos for the shalom zachor and stick around for the bris. I knew I was having a boy and I had a scheduled C-section, so I had my guest room(s) ready for my parents and in laws. All our siblings stayed elsewhere in the neighborhood and we helped arrange accomodations for some and some made their own arrangements with friends who live nearby. Most live fairly locally but not close enough to walk for Shabbos so they went home motzai Shabbos, but my mom stayed over to help me with my older kids and the baby so we could actually make it on time for the bris in the morning.

We had Shabbos meals and the shalom zachor in my house, but I didn't lift a finger other than to show my mom or MIL where to find things. They arranged all the food and paper goods and did all the setup and cleanup with help from the rest of the family. That's the only way I managed because there's no way I'm up to hosting myself after giving birth. Any time the people and noise got too much for me I just retreated to my room. Nursing is a great excuse!

You have to do what's best for you and for your family at this vulnerable time. Make sure DH is on the same page. It's definitely not mean for you to refrain from entertaining guests so soon after giving birth.

Mazel tov!
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rachel0615




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 3:49 pm
I had family come for chag right after I had a baby. I came home Thursday after being rehospitalized for preeclampsia and then they came Fri morning until Wednesday. You and the baby need to be the priority. It was very hard having them there as I just wanted to be alone with the baby at times and then ppl got offended. If I could do it over again, I would absolutely not allow for it to happen. Listen to your gut.
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sky




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 4:19 pm
I just traveled 3 hours to a Bris along with others from both sides.
Either we took care of our own sleeping arrangements (other family or hotel) or left very early morning.
It was made very clear not to go to the house except exactly 1 hour specified for shema. No food was offered. I told them we would be late by 20 minutes and were told not to come then because they were going to bed. I think honesty and clarity is best.
After the Bris it was clear no one was invited to the home.
Everyone understood.

I don’t think you should be entertaining when you are making a Bris. Just be clear beforehand.
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amother




Orange


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 4:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It seems mean. The women and kids should have to sit thru an hour davening because I wont invite them in?


Yes, thats just it!! You think it seems mean so you are feeling guilty which is why you dont want to say no!!

But, it might seem mean. However, it is not mean because you just had a baby and have a right to put yourself first.

Ppl who think its mean have to learn to think of how others may be feeling.

Learn to say no without feeling guilty otherwise you will say yes and feel resentful/angry and more overwhelmed instead of happiness by your own sons bris.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 4:29 pm
In my circles women and kids won't come if it's so far away. Even from Brooklyn to Lakewood, it's not that common for whole families to come for a bris.
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sky




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 4:30 pm
Yes going to a Bris means hanging out in shul.
Or if stay in same hotel or staying in town with families can carpool in shifts. (Husbands go together and wives and kids later).
Or DH can Daven in earlier minyan and then bring family for Bris.

Let them handle it - it’s not your worry.

Personally I hung out at the Bris for a long time with my guests and enjoyed. But none were invited back to my home.
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amother




Salmon


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 5:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I live next door to the shul


The Shul has food and toilets. They don’t need your hospitality. If your DH wants to shmooze with some of them in the Shul afterwards, great. But they have no business in your home with you and your newborn. Mazel Tov.
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amother




Oak


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 5:11 pm
I had a shabbos bris with no eiruv on a long summer shabbos. 2/3 meals by my parents house
Because there was no choice 2 do it there, I set guidelines.. I said no guests upstairs, and I hid upstairs a lot. Also, there was a lot of family who came in and were just nosy. I escaped upstairs when I needed a break( my hormones were terrible) after the 3rd instance of people coming upstairs I yelled like the hormonal woman I was that no company upstairs. I also said no shalom zachor for women in house, cuz didnt want extra company coming over 2 hang out and ask innapropriate questions( which happened anyway) .I still tell my husband how scarred I am from the experience...I am an introvert. Some people love having others over
You are within your rights to set boundaries. If you know people are coming in, send an email/text by saying thank yoyu for joining our simcha, we are overjoyed to share with you, please help us respect mommy and babys health by limiting visits to the house( let them think what they want with that)
Bris is called for xx time, we will see you there!
If people come to the house, dont answer the door. If they ask, say its not a good time, will see you by the shul...only way you can feel like a mentch
Mazal tov
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amother




Jade


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 5:12 pm
Since when does a new mom host bris guests? When we traveled far for close family we went to shul and sat through the davening. The shul was packed with women and little girls. I don't see the issue, they absolutely do not have to go to your house. No one does that ever.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 5:24 pm
Wow!! Thank you to everyone! Your stories offer support like no other! I especially relate to the mother who said the whole experience was scarring - by my 1st (a girl) I let DH invite his 4 married sibs and parents for shabbos kiddush and 3 meals. I cried the whole shabbos ...
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nicole81




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 6:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Wow!! Thank you to everyone! Your stories offer support like no other! I especially relate to the mother who said the whole experience was scarring - by my 1st (a girl) I let DH invite his 4 married sibs and parents for shabbos kiddush and 3 meals. I cried the whole shabbos ...


I totally understand you. By my first, I allowed my (ex)husband to talk me into allowing his mother to make the kiddush for my baby girl at her own shul. This meant packing up with a 5 day old who I was struggling to nurse, and spending Friday through Sunday a half hour from home in a 3 bedroom apartment with my MIL and her 4 other teenage and young adult children, and one bathroom. Also, although completely well meaning, my MIL constantly told me how I should be handling things, ie everything I was doing was wrong. I spent that whole weekend crying and they kept telling me I had PPD.

I learned after that experience to always put myself first after birth, no matter how rude or ungrateful it comes off to others. You can do it Very Happy
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 6:33 pm
I would bring this up before the baby arrives so the expectations are super clear and there are no surprises. “ we are so excited that you will be planning to come celebrate the birth of our dear child with us- we can try to help with sleeping and meal arrangements but will be unable to host anyone at our place for sleeping or meals , if that’s a deal breaker for you, we understand, and will be happy to celebrate with you at other occasions.”
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:03 pm
tichellady wrote:
I would bring this up before the baby arrives so the expectations are super clear and there are no surprises. “ we are so excited that you will be planning to come celebrate the birth of our dear child with us- we can try to help with sleeping and meal arrangements but will be unable to host anyone at our place for sleeping or meals , if that’s a deal breaker for you, we understand, and will be happy to celebrate with you at other occasions.”


Thats going to be revealing the gender bec after my traumatic kiddush story ive made all kiddushim in shul for just men and nobody was invited ...
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:13 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thats going to be revealing the gender bec after my traumatic kiddush story ive made all kiddushim in shul for just men and nobody was invited ...


In our case we didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl and knew that either way we would do something to celebrate with family so I don’t see why gender is relevant here, but if it is for you, then you can wait until after baby is born or say “ if baby is a boy, just want to give you a heads up that... if baby is a girl, we will be ...”
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:14 pm
tichellady wrote:
In our case we didn’t know if we were having a boy or girl and knew that either way we would do something to celebrate with family so I don’t see why gender is relevant here, but if it is for you, then you can wait until after baby is born or say “ if baby is a boy, just want to give you a heads up that... if baby is a girl, we will be ...”


True. Idk if they know that I know ...
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allthingsblue




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:15 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thats going to be revealing the gender bec after my traumatic kiddush story ive made all kiddushim in shul for just men and nobody was invited ...


You don't have to send anything out beforehand. Prepare an email to be sent after baby is born.
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amother




OP


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:16 pm
Curious if it falls out shabbos if it is "mandatory" to invite siblings? Most of my siblings can walk. DH entire family is OOT. It seems rude that one side can come and one cant...
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amother




Slateblue


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:20 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Curious if it falls out shabbos if it is "mandatory" to invite siblings? Most of my siblings can walk. DH entire family is OOT. It seems rude that one side can come and one cant...


They can come if they sleep and eat else where. Period. No and buts ifs or maybes!
If you’re community is the type to be open to hosting them, & your DH the type to make the calls & arrangements, let him go for it. Just tell him you absolutely can’t have anyone sleep or eat in your house, and he will need to take full responsibility for all arrangements.
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Curious if it falls out shabbos if it is "mandatory" to invite siblings? Most of my siblings can walk. DH entire family is OOT. It seems rude that one side can come and one cant...


Do you mean to invite them to the bris or for meals?
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tichellady




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:26 pm
allthingsblue wrote:
You don't have to send anything out beforehand. Prepare an email to be sent after baby is born.


I think it’s good to let people know things in advance so they have time to deal with their disappointment- at least this works for my family but each family is different
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