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If you made a bris and you had a lot of OOT family
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amother




Aubergine


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:38 pm
I made a Shabbos Bris. Whatever family wanted to come made their own arrangements for sleeping and meals. One set of grandparents who tends to want to be the center of attention asked me to find them a place to stay and when I suggested that they work it out to stay by a family that they knew they balked about the accomdations there not being good enough for their needs (it was better than any accommodations that I would have been able to find for them, and they have other connections in my neighborhoodas well). I didn't push it, it was their loss. I was a week PP. (And honestly hurtful as it was in a way it was okay because DH very much wanted my other grandfather to be Sandek and it would have created other drama if they both had been there but my other grandfather was given the Kavod.)
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:39 pm
nicole81 wrote:
I totally understand you. By my first, I allowed my (ex)husband to talk me into allowing his mother to make the kiddush for my baby girl at her own shul. This meant packing up with a 5 day old who I was struggling to nurse, and spending Friday through Sunday a half hour from home in a 3 bedroom apartment with my MIL and her 4 other teenage and young adult children, and one bathroom. Also, although completely well meaning, my MIL constantly told me how I should be handling things, ie everything I was doing was wrong. I spent that whole weekend crying and they kept telling me I had PPD.

I learned after that experience to always put myself first after birth, no matter how rude or ungrateful it comes off to others. You can do it Very Happy

Im confused. When we make a kiddush- the baby and mom don’t come to shul. Why did you have to be at your milhouse?
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:44 pm
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
In my circles women and kids won't come if it's so far away. Even from Brooklyn to Lakewood, it's not that common for whole families to come for a bris.

Especially since most times the bris is very early in the morning.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Curious if it falls out shabbos if it is "mandatory" to invite siblings? Most of my siblings can walk. DH entire family is OOT. It seems rude that one side can come and one cant...


Its not mandatory no, but if you love your family you invite them, you want them around to celebrate your milestones. Dont you like your siblings? Dont you want them there to celebrate with you?
This is what life is all about. You celebrate all of life's chapters and events with family and friends, you make a bris, an upsherin, a bar and bas mitzva, and your relatives join you. you celebrate the weddings of your children and it is those same relatives that will fill the wedding hall. and you want to be welcomed at their events the same way you will welcome them to yours. If you push people away now, who is to say that they will show up when you want them to- at your child's wedding? and then you go to the grandchildren's events, and your nieces and nephews events, and you celebrate your siblings simchas as well. until you grow old and look back at the life you had, the family you built and the support you have through all of life's simchas and challenges big and small. This IS life. What else is life?

You have a loving family that WANT to come- dont throw that away.

Now this does not mean that you cannot insist on making sure you get the rest and help you need. Usually family is happy to help if you just make your needs known! Communicate. Say it! Im so tired. I need a little break. Im feeling a bit dizzy, I'm overwhelmed.
a loving family will usually rally, be concerned, offer help. being open also helps build relationships and connections with your family. Talk. I love having you guys here, but Im exhausted, can one of you hold the baby while I go lie down for an hour? Be assertive with what you need but in kind way and they will be overjoyed to help and understanding too.

shutting doors in people's faces is not the Jewish way. It is this new found new day and age thing. nowadays its all about boundaries and fences. Boundaries are good, healthy but we've taken it to an extreme.

It seems like you are eating yourself up with guilt over being nice. You are worried about having your space and rest and privacy but not offending anyone in the process. everyone is telling you not to worry about offending anyone, its all about you and the new baby after all. Yet I still hear throughout the thread your worries. It sounds like they are going to come anyway. They are party people as you say it. so try to re frame it in your mind. You WANT your family there. You are happy to have them. You are going to be verbal about your needs without shutting them out. You will include them in your simcha and also in your care and rest. and you wont be so tense when they come.
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:50 pm
OP
Please make it clear to everyone that you will not be hosting or making arrangements. You are a kimpitur. Make sure your husband understands to tell them that not before or after the bris. If it’s on shabbos iyh, ask a couple of friends to arrange sleeping and eating for them. And tell your family that you have limited places.
No you should not feel guilty for those who come early. Let them say they tehillim, shmuz or go for a walk.
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amother




Blonde


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:51 pm
amother [ Denim ] wrote:
The only time I made a bris was on a Sunday and I expected family to come for Shabbos for the shalom zachor and stick around for the bris. I knew I was having a boy and I had a scheduled C-section, so I had my guest room(s) ready for my parents and in laws. All our siblings stayed elsewhere in the neighborhood and we helped arrange accomodations for some and some made their own arrangements with friends who live nearby. Most live fairly locally but not close enough to walk for Shabbos so they went home motzai Shabbos, but my mom stayed over to help me with my older kids and the baby so we could actually make it on time for the bris in the morning.

We had Shabbos meals and the shalom zachor in my house, but I didn't lift a finger other than to show my mom or MIL where to find things. They arranged all the food and paper goods and did all the setup and cleanup with help from the rest of the family. That's the only way I managed because there's no way I'm up to hosting myself after giving birth. Any time the people and noise got too much for me I just retreated to my room. Nursing is a great excuse!

You have to do what's best for you and for your family at this vulnerable time. Make sure DH is on the same page. It's definitely not mean for you to refrain from entertaining guests so soon after giving birth.

Mazel tov!


This my dear sounds very healthy to me. Your family came, they pitched in, everyone celebrated together, you were able to rest.
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nicole81




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 7:58 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thats going to be revealing the gender bec after my traumatic kiddush story ive made all kiddushim in shul for just men and nobody was invited ...


I used an app to make a bris announcement that I just shared on social media/whatsapp after the birth. You can have everything prepared beforehand, or even do it in a few clicks from the hospital. A week is plenty of notice for everyone.

Regarding shabbos, do you have a close friend from the neighborhood that would be OK managing all hosting arrangements? And/or is there a hotel within walking distance?
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Notsobusy




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:13 pm
Op, I traveled to a bris 3 hours away more than once. We had zero expectations to be hosted, we hung out in the shul during davening and after the bris we went home. If it would have been too difficult we would have stayed home.

There is absolutely no reason for you to host anybody besides maybe your or your husband's parents if they wouldn't be able to come otherwise. Everybody else is invited to the bris ONLY and if they can't come then they shouldn't.

The morning of the bris keep your door locked and if they knock don't answer. Same thing after the bris. The day of the bris is always exhausting and draining and you cannot push yourself so soon after birth.
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nicole81




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:20 pm
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
Im confused. When we make a kiddush- the baby and mom don’t come to shul. Why did you have to be at your milhouse?


Because my MIL was gracious enough to make the whole kiddush, of course she wanted the nachat of seeing her first grandchild. And how dare I embarrass my ex and make him show up to his family for shabbat without his wife and new child?! And even if I did, I wasn't in the position to single handedly make shabbat for and by myself.
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mommyhood




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 12:50 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
Its not mandatory no, but if you love your family you invite them, you want them around to celebrate your milestones. Dont you like your siblings? Dont you want them there to celebrate with you?
This is what life is all about. You celebrate all of life's chapters and events with family and friends, you make a bris, an upsherin, a bar and bas mitzva, and your relatives join you. you celebrate the weddings of your children and it is those same relatives that will fill the wedding hall. and you want to be welcomed at their events the same way you will welcome them to yours. If you push people away now, who is to say that they will show up when you want them to- at your child's wedding? and then you go to the grandchildren's events, and your nieces and nephews events, and you celebrate your siblings simchas as well. until you grow old and look back at the life you had, the family you built and the support you have through all of life's simchas and challenges big and small. This IS life. What else is life?

You have a loving family that WANT to come- dont throw that away.

Now this does not mean that you cannot insist on making sure you get the rest and help you need. Usually family is happy to help if you just make your needs known! Communicate. Say it! Im so tired. I need a little break. Im feeling a bit dizzy, I'm overwhelmed.
a loving family will usually rally, be concerned, offer help. being open also helps build relationships and connections with your family. Talk. I love having you guys here, but Im exhausted, can one of you hold the baby while I go lie down for an hour? Be assertive with what you need but in kind way and they will be overjoyed to help and understanding too.

shutting doors in people's faces is not the Jewish way. It is this new found new day and age thing. nowadays its all about boundaries and fences. Boundaries are good, healthy but we've taken it to an extreme.

It seems like you are eating yourself up with guilt over being nice. You are worried about having your space and rest and privacy but not offending anyone in the process. everyone is telling you not to worry about offending anyone, its all about you and the new baby after all. Yet I still hear throughout the thread your worries. It sounds like they are going to come anyway. They are party people as you say it. so try to re frame it in your mind. You WANT your family there. You are happy to have them. You are going to be verbal about your needs without shutting them out. You will include them in your simcha and also in your care and rest. and you wont be so tense when they come.

I have made more than one Shabbos bris. I did not invite out of town siblings and I have zero regrets. It is in a totally different category than any other simcha and hasn't affected our relationship with those relatives. B'H our siblings love us and respect that a postpartum mother doesn't need a crowd 8 days after having a baby. Seems that OP doesn't have that luxury.
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sky




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 1:12 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
Its not mandatory no, but if you love your family you invite them, you want them around to celebrate your milestones. Dont you like your siblings? Dont you want them there to celebrate with you?
This is what life is all about. You celebrate all of life's chapters and events with family and friends, you make a bris, an upsherin, a bar and bas mitzva, and your relatives join you. you celebrate the weddings of your children and it is those same relatives that will fill the wedding hall. and you want to be welcomed at their events the same way you will welcome them to yours. If you push people away now, who is to say that they will show up when you want them to- at your child's wedding? and then you go to the grandchildren's events, and your nieces and nephews events, and you celebrate your siblings simchas as well. until you grow old and look back at the life you had, the family you built and the support you have through all of life's simchas and challenges big and small. This IS life. What else is life?

You have a loving family that WANT to come- dont throw that away.

Now this does not mean that you cannot insist on making sure you get the rest and help you need. Usually family is happy to help if you just make your needs known! Communicate. Say it! Im so tired. I need a little break. Im feeling a bit dizzy, I'm overwhelmed.
a loving family will usually rally, be concerned, offer help. being open also helps build relationships and connections with your family. Talk. I love having you guys here, but Im exhausted, can one of you hold the baby while I go lie down for an hour? Be assertive with what you need but in kind way and they will be overjoyed to help and understanding too.

shutting doors in people's faces is not the Jewish way. It is this new found new day and age thing. nowadays its all about boundaries and fences. Boundaries are good, healthy but we've taken it to an extreme.

It seems like you are eating yourself up with guilt over being nice. You are worried about having your space and rest and privacy but not offending anyone in the process. everyone is telling you not to worry about offending anyone, its all about you and the new baby after all. Yet I still hear throughout the thread your worries. It sounds like they are going to come anyway. They are party people as you say it. so try to re frame it in your mind. You WANT your family there. You are happy to have them. You are going to be verbal about your needs without shutting them out. You will include them in your simcha and also in your care and rest. and you wont be so tense when they come.


Who is responsible to put up out of town guests and prepare 3 Shabbos meals for them?
It’s nice to set limits but you have to feed and host people over Shabbos.
Other simchos are different as a mother didn’t just give birth and there is more time to prepare.
I think if oot guests come for Shabbos they are responsible for themselves the whole Shabbos.
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yerushamama




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 1:20 pm
If your family lives close by, maybe ask them if they would be able to help out.
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amother




Mauve


Post  Sun, Jul 28 2019, 10:17 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It seems mean. The women and kids should have to sit thru an hour davening because I wont invite them in?

You need to take care of the baby and yourself. These are critical days in a baby ds life and he deserves quite and attention from you. The rest is not important. It is not too much to ask. You can’t host at this point.
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