Must I cuddle | Imamother

solo

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:30 pm

My 8 yr old asks to come into my bed some mornings. I usually turn him down. My 5 yr old used to randomly walk over to me n start cuddling. Now he knows to ask first but I hardly cuddle for more than a minute. My 6 yr old knows I don’t like it n acts cool.
I feel so guilty but I’m sensoey n cuddling them actually makes my skin crawl.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:32 pm

I feel bad for your children. This is really sad. They are telling you what they need, and asking you, and you are rejecting them and denying them an important aspect of growing up healthy- appropriate touch

amother

Olive

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:36 pm

I have the same problem. I have to force myself to let them touch me but yeah- it makes my skin crawl. I don’t have a problem when they’re under 5 but any older and it’s torture. I don’t usually initiate but when they do I force myself to keep holding their hand or letting them lay down on me etc

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:39 pm

Amother papaya, there's nothing to feel bad about. I don't let my kids come onto my bed. Everyone has a bed. There's no reason for them to be in my bed with me. My kids get hugged and kissed plenty. You don't must lay in bed together and cuddle. At a certain age I would even say it's inappropriate.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 8:39 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

THIS

You are teaching your kids that they are not allowed to form an attachment to you. Cuddling is the number one way that kids bond. You can't substitute it for anything else.

My mom passed away 6 years ago, and the thing I miss most about her is her long, warm, squishy hugs. When she hugged me, I could tell that she really meant it, and it filled up my heart.

Please don't deny your kids a basic human need. For their sake, and yours, get some therapy and find out why you have touch issues, and what you can do to get over them.

BTW, are you like this with your DH, too? What does he think about it?

Rachel Shira

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 9:01 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I don’t think there is research that cuddling is the number one way kids bond. Physical touch is important but as long as OP is hugging and kissing her kids and giving them shoulder squeezes, hand holding, or whatever else they like and she’s comfortable with, they’ll be fine. If a kid really seems to need the extended, close touch of a cuddle, I suppose it would be important to go out of one’s comfort zone to give it sometimes.

amother

Beige

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 10:41 pm

Rachel Shira wrote:

Thank you for this. Not OP but I relate to her. I think it's fine to put limits, like not coming into your bed. Or not surprising you by hugging you from behind (ds used to do that and it drove me nuts!) Just try to give them affectionate touch in a way that you're comfortable with.

Side point, I think 8 for a boy to climb into your bed with you is kinda old. But then, none of my kids come into my bed past the nursing stage. My bed is one place I absolutely need to not have to share with my kids.

amother

Plum

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 10:50 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

Another sensory imamother here! I can hug and kiss them by day, but at night it's MY bed and I don't share. My kids always went to Tottys bed when they woke in the middle of the night. They SEEM ok and well adjusted Wink

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 11:00 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

Yup, I send mine to tatty's bed too, which is where I was directed as a kid myself lol. I do want to agree with those who wrote that affectionate touch is extremely important, but cuddling per se is not the only way to accomplish that. My mother did not provide affectionate touch and it definitely had a negative impact on me.

amother

Brunette

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 11:04 pm

solo wrote:

If your skin is crawling and you don't want to do this, then the cuddling is not accomplishing a thing. Children know what you are feeling

As an aside, my mother was not a cuddly person and I did just fine. I knew she loved me and she had other ways of showing it.

And no, didn't affect my touch in marriage

mom2mysouls

Mon, Jul 15 2019, 11:48 pm

Don't deny your kids a very important aspect in raising them. Cuddling is sooo important.

Think if you were the child and begged for a cuddle, you would not be happy to hear your mom say no.....

You cannot make up for this time later on the same way. Make the most of it now!!

Last edited by mom2mysouls on Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:47 am; edited 1 time in total

agreer

Tue, Jul 16 2019, 1:04 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

If your mother didn't touch you and it affected you negatively such that you don't like to touch your kids, then you are perpetuating the cycle.

Since you are conscious of the impact your mother's lack of touch had, I would recommend stepping out of your comfort zone and touching a bit more than you would like to, on purpose, so that your kids won't have the same negative impact.

amother

Maroon

Tue, Jul 16 2019, 3:27 am

I can relate to OP. im sensory too...yeah dH had to learn the hard way Wink

we found compromises though, thats what relationships are about.

one ds is like me. doesnt ask for touch. no need. he connects verbally, and other means.

one ds needs touch/hug/kiss VERY VERY MUCH!!! he really suffers if I dont allow him to. I had to get adjusted and really it was /is hard for me., but I simply understand that this is part of him and he feels loved when hugged. so we cuddle. a lot. and honestly I start to enjoy it Wink

im his mammy and as long as he is this young (he just turned 4) it is my duty to provide what he needs.

our baby doesnt need is as much..didnt even like to be held. she is very social smiles at people but simply doesnt ask for touch as much.

so what I want to say is: kids show what they need, and every kid is different (even whithin a family). I needed therapy to accept touch etc. but it is my responsibility to find compromises so that the kids are happy and get what they need. so I tried to work on myself and find a possibility (with rules) that works for all of us.
simply refusing touch is quite harsh imo- (op hasnt mentioned that though)

dankbar

Tue, Jul 16 2019, 3:54 am

If your skin is sensitive when touched try benadryl it will relax you & also relieve the itch. Avoid sugar because it makes the itchy skin worse!

Also acidophilus might help you, because it might be candida. Showers help also exfoliating soap that removes all dead cells on skin that itch.

WastingTime

Tue, Jul 16 2019, 4:55 am

I'm the same. It's not because I am sensory but I think because I grew up with pretty distant parents. For example we didn't say I love you, and now I barely say it to my kids. It's just unnatural to me. And I have boys so I feel like naturally they may not be as touchy feely when they get older.
I am very bad at being affectionate when they get older. Babies I hug and cuddle all day. I try to remember to force myself with my older kids but it occurred to me the other day that my 15 yr old almost never gets contact so I try to at least rub his back/pat him on the shoulder kind of thing. I hate holding hands of older children. My 13 year old took my hand walking home from shul a few weeks ago and I let him but I was squirming inside the whole time.
For everyone who says it's critical to healthy development, it is, but pls understand how it can be very hard on the mother too. I think it the father is good at it they can grow up fine as long as they don't feel like you are repulsed by them or anything. Also if it is made up for by attention, listening etc that is important. Unfortunately by me I am not doing too good on any of those fronts but trying! Every day is a new opportunity.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jul 16 2019, 5:02 am

agreer wrote:

Of course, that was the whole point of my post. Physical affection is crucial. It may not come naturally, but it has to happen regardless. I make a very conscious effort literally from the moment I say good morning to each child while stroking their hair or cheek and continue throughout the day. Dh and I have different styles of physical affection and that's ok, as long as the kids receive it from both of us.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jul 16 2019, 6:09 am

I don't CARE if it's hard on the mother.
Is it hard to wake up every 2 hours and nurse a newborn?
Yes. But you do it.

You need to be selfless, as a parent.
My parents were selfless in their giving my physical touch and love, but emotionally were never there and were too busy dealing with their own issues and lives to put aside time to talk about mine.

Being a mom is selfless and sacrifices. That's life.
Sorry for being so harsh, but I'm just really feeling this so strong right now but do you want your daughter to crave a mother's embrace and cry herself to sleep when she is 25 still?

Hint; I am.

Some kids DON'T need or want too much affection; that's my struggle. I have a VERY independent 5 year old girl who doesn't like cuddles or hugs. It's so hard to hold back but I do, for her.

imasinger

Tue, Jul 16 2019, 7:23 am

We have no idea of the full picture here, only a snapshot.

Maybe OP is a fantastic, caring mother who does all kinds of things with and for her kids, that you don't make time for.

OP, I think it's fine to be who you are, as long as the boundaries are presented with love.

Sometimes, it feels easier to be the initiator of hugs, because you are physically and emotionally prepared for the sensory stimulus. You might try hugging the kids at least once a day on your schedule, then buying them a special cuddle toy to hug "for when Mommy's busy".

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:32 am

My mother wasn’t cuddly and I decided that no matter how badly I felt about it I was never going to do that to my kids. If they don’t want, fine, but I would keep hugging them no matter how old.

As an adult my son is less huggy but my daughter is very. And I enjoy that she is.

If you aren’t hugging, find a way to show your love solidly and engender intimacy with them. It will be twice the work but at least they won’t feel rejected like I did.