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Where will we make our bar mitzva? (Rant!!!)
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pause




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jul 15 2019, 11:33 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I suggested that, but apparently you HAVE to do something on shabbos, because that’s the minhag, and god forbid you should do something different than what other people do. Also, he doesn’t want to do something during the week. I don’t either, if I’m doing something in shabbos, but I don’t mind making something ONLY during the week. It’s a moot point though, cuz he doesn’t want to.

By us chassidish people, a Shabbos kiddush is optional, and the bar mitzva seuda which is bo bayom is the main event.

I never understood where the "other way" comes from. Smile
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 7:43 am
pause wrote:
By us chassidish people, a Shabbos kiddush is optional, and the bar mitzva seuda which is bo bayom is the main event.

I never understood where the "other way" comes from. Smile

His bo bayom is ON pesach, so there will be no bar mitzva then.
I don’t understand where there whole “big party” thing came from in the first place, or why we have to do it just because everyone else is.
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grace413




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 7:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
His bo bayom is ON pesach, so there will be no bar mitzva then.
I don’t understand where there whole “big party” thing came from in the first place, or why we have to do it just because everyone else is.


You don't have to do a big party just because everybody else does.

What do you, your son and DH really want to do?
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:06 am
grace413 wrote:
You don't have to do a big party just because everybody else does.

What do you, your son and DH really want to do?

It’s really about what my husband wants....he wants a big party on shabbos, so that’s what we are going to have.
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giselle




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:12 am
Our shul is over a mile away. Walking my kids down the block and back is close to a mile. If it’s nice weather, what’s the big deal? We had friends who walked over five miles (that was a nice surprise).
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sky




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:20 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I suggested that, but apparently you HAVE to do something on shabbos, because that’s the minhag, and god forbid you should do something different than what other people do. Also, he doesn’t want to do something during the week. I don’t either, if I’m doing something in shabbos, but I don’t mind making something ONLY during the week. It’s a moot point though, cuz he doesn’t want to.


What is the minhag? How many people do you have to have to be yotzei? Mizumin, minyan, kiddush. I can’t believe there is a minhag to have 100 ppl. For a meal.

Personally we agonized over details of our bar mitzvah and in the end it was not what I thought we’d have but beautiful. Our son in the end wasn’t happy with our plans and we ended up changing it and it was really nice. Have you included your son in any of the planning?

Someone gave me advice to plan the bar mitzvah calmly and enjoy it because the bar mitzvah itself is just a second and you are so busy it’s hard to really take it in.
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sky




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:24 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
His bo bayom is ON pesach, so there will be no bar mitzva then.
I don’t understand where there whole “big party” thing came from in the first place, or why we have to do it just because everyone else is.


If his bo bayom is pesach then I can’t imagine you must have something on Shabbos. It has nothing to do with his birthday!!!!

The bo byom there is a minhag to make a party.

My nephew had a pesach bar mitzvah. 2 days after pesach they had a party for family. Then Shabbos just a kiddush and meal for grandparents after.
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amother




Teal


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:50 am
Plan in a way that works best for YOU!
Try not to stress...,
Are you also having a weeknight event? If so, perhaps some people who have a hard time with 2 different neighborhoods can just come during the week.

I just made a bar mitzvah. The shabbos shul was 5 minutes away from my house. It all should have worked out perfectly. Shabbos morning there was a hurricane. The rain and wind was so strong that almost no one showed up. Whoever did come sat in shul soaking wet. It was a big disappointment. Sometimes when it seems easy to plan, things can still go wrong. Close family members couldn’t make the walk in the rain....
Main thing is to stay calm. Plan simply and hope for the best.
And of course, daven that Hashem should always give you nachas from the bar mitzvah boy!
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pause




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 8:53 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
His bo bayom is ON pesach, so there will be no bar mitzva then.
I don’t understand where there whole “big party” thing came from in the first place, or why we have to do it just because everyone else is.

Oh wow! You can still do something grand(er) right after Pesach during the week and then something less major on Shabbos.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 9:00 am
sky wrote:
If his bo bayom is pesach then I can’t imagine you must have something on Shabbos. It has nothing to do with his birthday!!!!

The bo byom there is a minhag to make a party.

My nephew had a pesach bar mitzvah. 2 days after pesach they had a party for family. Then Shabbos just a kiddush and meal for grandparents after.

Two days after pesach IS shabbos- pesach is over Thursday night.
I don’t have any brothers, so I don’t know all these things.
My son will be getting an Aliya (or leonine, he hasn’t decided yet) a week and a half after pesach. The celebration will be at the same time. Kiddush following davening, and then lunch for family and close friends. There will also be a meal Friday night, for whoever comes for shabbos.
It doesn’t NEED to be 100 people, but just our families together, without any friends, is close to 100 people, so it will be a party for a lot of people. There’s no way around that. All of our family will come- all siblings, all nieces and nephews....
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 9:03 am
pause wrote:
Oh wow! You can still do something grand(er) right after Pesach during the week and then something less major on Shabbos.

BH we are only making one party :-) I cant even imagine the stress of having to do two.
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sky




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 9:11 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Two days after pesach IS shabbos- pesach is over Thursday night.
I don’t have any brothers, so I don’t know all these things.
My son will be getting an Aliya (or leonine, he hasn’t decided yet) a week and a half after pesach. The celebration will be at the same time. Kiddush following davening, and then lunch for family and close friends. There will also be a meal Friday night, for whoever comes for shabbos.
It doesn’t NEED to be 100 people, but just our families together, without any friends, is close to 100 people, so it will be a party for a lot of people. There’s no way around that. All of our family will come- all siblings, all nieces and nephews....


I know what you mean about family size.

If you want to have the Shabbos party a 1 mike walk isn’t horrible. Your lucky you have a hall nearby that can fit such a large crowd. Just plan a regular Shabbos and think of ideas to deal with Shabbos.
You could put a family up closer to your home with big kids and ask them to walk your kids later on Shabbos.
Bring breakfast snacks and toys and allow kids to play in shul.
Stay by someone closer to the shul

Are you caterng or doing it yourself? Will you have to be there earlier or later then meals for setup or cleanup? Setting up kiddush for next day?

But don’t make it a fight with your husband over the location because that would just kill it.


Last edited by sky on Tue, Jul 16 2019, 9:15 am; edited 3 times in total
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amother




Burgundy


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 9:12 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We live in a community where my husband doesn’t daven. The shul where he davens is about a mile away, in another/different part of the community.
We are making a bar mitzva within the year, and he refuses to do anything locally, even just making a seuda.
So what does that mean? It means that I have to walk all the way home Friday night, and then rush all my kids to get ready shabbos morning, cuz once I go there, I’m not coming back to get them. It also means I need to find sleeping arrangements in the other/other part of the community, for all of our family and friends, because I can’t ask people to walk a mile....
But I don’t know enough people, with enough space, in the other part of town!!
Why do these things need to be so stressful?!?!


OP - you don't want posters coming on imamother complaining of the chutzpa of someone asking to host a family that lives a mile away over Shabbos.

Would you really complain bitterly if you had to go to a simcha 1 mile away?
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 9:25 am
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
OP - you don't want posters coming on imamother complaining of the chutzpa of someone asking to host a family that lives a mile away over Shabbos.

Would you really complain bitterly if you had to go to a simcha 1 mile away?

I guess you have t read through the thread. I already said I’m going to try to put most people up closer to where everything will be taking place.
I’m really not sure what your comment is here to accomplish. Make me feel worse about not living closer? Make me feel worse about not knowing so many people with adequate accommodations who live closer?
Of course I don’t want people complaining, that’s why I’m trying to start now, 9 months in advance!!!
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amother




Burgundy


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 9:51 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I guess you have t read through the thread. I already said I’m going to try to put most people up closer to where everything will be taking place.
I’m really not sure what your comment is here to accomplish. Make me feel worse about not living closer? Make me feel worse about not knowing so many people with adequate accommodations who live closer?
Of course I don’t want people complaining, that’s why I’m trying to start now, 9 months in advance!!!


You misread me entirely.

You don't need to put up people 20-30 minutes away (by foot) from where they live. Just don't. Its totally not required. Exceptions for elderly folks.

Your friends and family know where DH davens. Its not like planning a simcha 45 mins away in a shul no one has a kesher to because they have a caterer that you really like.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:10 am
In my family and husbands family only the family members that live locally join for the Shabbos kiddush (only grandparents come from far). Then the entire family celebrates on the day of the party in a hall or house wherever the affair is taking place. This solves the problem of having to host a ton of people for Shabbos.
It is much easier this way. The Shabbos kiddush is simple and in shul and no pressure to host and put family up and worry about bad weather etc. I myself didn’t even attend my last Bar mitzvah kiddush, that’s how small it is. It was just for the 20 guys in shul that were there that Shabbos.
I then hosted a party for the entire family a few days later (not even on the Bo Bayom. It was done on a day that was convenient for me). On my sons Bo Bayom he brought danishes and schnapps to yeshiva for the rebbes and boys to make a Lechaim.
This was all according to my sons wishes. Sit down and find out what your son wants and prefers. It’s HIS celebration and sometimes things get so carried away we can forget.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:11 am
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
You misread me entirely.

You don't need to put up people 20-30 minutes away (by foot) from where they live. Just don't. Its totally not required. Exceptions for elderly folks.

Your friends and family know where DH davens. Its not like planning a simcha 45 mins away in a shul no one has a kesher to because they have a caterer that you really like.

I still don’t understand. I’m not putting people up 20-30 minutes away from where they live. I am only putting up people who are driving in, which is my whole family and my husbands whole family. Our families don’t live locally.
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amother




OP


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:16 am
thunderstorm wrote:
In my family and husbands family only the family members that live locally join for the Shabbos kiddush (only grandparents come from far). Then the entire family celebrates on the day of the party in a hall or house wherever the affair is taking place. This solves the problem of having to host a ton of people for Shabbos.
It is much easier this way. The Shabbos kiddush is simple and in shul and no pressure to host and put family up and worry about bad weather etc. I myself didn’t even attend my last Bar mitzvah kiddush, that’s how small it is. It was just for the 20 guys in shul that were there that Shabbos.
I then hosted a party for the entire family a few days later (not even on the Bo Bayom. It was done on a day that was convenient for me). On my sons Bo Bayom he brought danishes and schnapps to yeshiva for the rebbes and boys to make a Lechaim.
This was all according to my sons wishes. Sit down and find out what your son wants and prefers. It’s HIS celebration and sometimes things get so carried away we can forget.

We will be doing shabbos INSTEAD of doing something during the week. I have no problem doing one of the other, but I won’t do both.
My son has no friends from his class who live locally, which is fine with me. We will cater a nice breakfast for his friends right after pesach, probably the following Monday, as there won’t be school on Friday.
I can’t imagine not going to the celebration for my child, though I know there are many people for whom this is the norm. My sister doesn’t go when she makes a bris. She will not be in the same room as her sons when they get married. It works for her, and that’s great.
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amother




Burgundy


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:21 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I still don’t understand. I’m not putting people up 20-30 minutes away from where they live. I am only putting up people who are driving in, which is my whole family and my husbands whole family. Our families don’t live locally.


You are right - I didn't understand.

So what you are saying is - you either have to find your family places to stay in your neighborhood - or in the neighborhood one over. Got it.

Why don't you go for half and half? Some family closer to you - some closer to the shul. A mile really isn't terrible.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Jul 16 2019, 10:25 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We will be doing shabbos INSTEAD of doing something during the week. I have no problem doing one of the other, but I won’t do both.
My son has no friends from his class who live locally, which is fine with me. We will cater a nice breakfast for his friends right after pesach, probably the following Monday, as there won’t be school on Friday.
I can’t imagine not going to the celebration for my child, though I know there are many people for whom this is the norm. My sister doesn’t go when she makes a bris. She will not be in the same room as her sons when they get married. It works for her, and that’s great.

I’m just saying that maybe reconsider switching it to a weekday event instead of Shabbos and only go to shul to hear your son lein and serve a small kiddush, for whoever is there . No additional people . Then during the week make the party to include the family.
I’ve done a full Shabbos thing by my oldest (also Pesach time) and I have found that I prefer the weekday events much more. I had less pressure , because for me the fact that you can’t drive on Shabbos, and you need to warm the food differently etc. comes out more stressful. But that’s just my personal preference and experience.
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