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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Wed, Jul 17 2019, 6:28 am
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My oldest is just 10 but I obsess about this all day that my kids should grow up to be happy healthy Frum adults. All my interactions with my kids are done with such stress that I am getting so worn down. My kids aren't happier because I am trying so hard to be a great mother. I will feel like a failure if my kids don't turn out as I would like them too. I go to therapy but still have this fear. Any suggestions?
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33055
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 6:35 am
Relax and have a 
We all worry about our kids bit not to this extreme.
Why do you think your kids are especially at risk?
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ectomorph
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 6:38 am
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Do have anxiety issues? You should get evaluated. For the sake of your kids. It's not healthy for them to grow up with that kind of stress.
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amother
Mauve
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 6:43 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | My oldest is just 10 but I obsess about this all day that my kids should grow up to be happy healthy Frum adults. All my interactions with my kids are done with such stress that I am getting so worn down. My kids aren't happier because I am trying so hard to be a great mother. I will feel like a failure if my kids don't turn out as I would like them too. I go to therapy but still have this fear. Any suggestions? |
Work on that point with your therapist.
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ShishKabob
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 7:24 am
The Lubavitcher Rebbe gave great advice to someone that was in your place.
He said "tracht gut vet zein gut". Think good it will be good.
Our thoughts have tremendous power. Please train yourself to think positively, that your kids will grow up frum, erlich and they'll be happy to do the mitzvos and learn Torah and they will be honest, upright, G-d faring individuals, an asset to society.
You should also practice this on your own.
That you are good and that you are raising your children to be good to the best of your ability. The rest is up to Hashem.
B'hatzlocha
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trixx
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 7:26 am
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | My oldest is just 10 but I obsess about this all day that my kids should grow up to be happy healthy Frum adults. All my interactions with my kids are done with such stress that I am getting so worn down. My kids aren't happier because I am trying so hard to be a great mother. I will feel like a failure if my kids don't turn out as I would like them too. I go to therapy but still have this fear. Any suggestions? |
Happy
Healthy
Frum
In that order. Literally frum is the least of your problems if your kids aren't emotionally stable.
Stress will not help with any of this. Happy first.
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behappy2
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 7:32 am
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This is the fallout of all the parenting courses that claim if you follow their methods your kids will grow up frum, emotionally healthy etc....Today they are starting to retract.
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mommish613
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 7:40 am
OP I feel for you.
We can’t micromanage our kids. At some point they will think for themselves. Pushing them to what you want them to be can only backfire.
Be a good role model, give them lots of love. You can give them advice too (don’t be afraid of that). Complement them. But please please understand that Hashem has a plan for each of your children even if it’s not exactly what you want for them. Do your best. Daven hard. And leave the rest up to Him.
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Mama Bear
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 8:03 am
CHILL.
Your kids need you to be a relaxed and happy mother.
A mother they can come to and talk things through if they have issues.
Being stressed out around them will ensure that they won't come to you when they want to talk something through, bc they'll know you're gonna get anxious immediately.
Just be yourself. And trust them.
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amother
Goldenrod
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 8:19 am
One of my children has a seriously theological issue that cannot be resolved without them caring less or a huge leap of faith. The child feels let down by HaShem and like it must be a man made construct because HaShem cannot love all his children and this issue to exist.
I see their point.
The child is a studious, serious adult who functions extremely well and is in a complicated course of studies getting amazing grades. The child lives in a house full of nice kids in their program. We see the child at least once a week which that child appreciates.
I understand the issue. I know the child appreciates how they were brought up and would consider bringing their children up traditionally. Including Jewish Schools.
The child is respectful of us and the rules of our home when here.
The child is dating a nice Jewish person ( who we approve of and comes from a similar family to ours.)
The child speaks to us from their heart and we have a close relationship.
I consider this successful parenting. I was almost forty when I became BT. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But it’s between them and HaShem.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 8:51 am
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Thank you everyone for your beautiful replies. It's sooo hard to let go of the control that we think we have!
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amother
Black
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 8:53 am
Children who come from relaxed, chilled, happy home usually don’t go OTD.
They just want to please their parents...
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amother
Amethyst
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 8:56 am
| amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote: | One of my children has a seriously theological issue that cannot be resolved without them caring less or a huge leap of faith. The child feels let down by HaShem and like it must be a man made construct because HaShem cannot love all his children and this issue to exist.
I see their point.
The child is a studious, serious adult who functions extremely well and is in a complicated course of studies getting amazing grades. The child lives in a house full of nice kids in their program. We see the child at least once a week which that child appreciates.
I understand the issue. I know the child appreciates how they were brought up and would consider bringing their children up traditionally. Including Jewish Schools.
The child is respectful of us and the rules of our home when here.
The child is dating a nice Jewish person ( who we approve of and comes from a similar family to ours.)
The child speaks to us from their heart and we have a close relationship.
I consider this successful parenting. I was almost forty when I became BT. Maybe they will, maybe they won’t. But it’s between them and HaShem. |
This seems very strange and cold the way you write 'the child'.
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Rubber Ducky
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:06 am
| amother [ Amethyst ] wrote: | | This seems very strange and cold the way you write 'the child'. |
Amother Goldenrod simply doesn't want to reveal "the child's" gender. Nothing cold about it.
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amother
Mustard
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:17 am
| Rubber Ducky wrote: | | Amother Goldenrod simply doesn't want to reveal "the child's" gender. Nothing cold about it. |
There is the increasingly common singular "they".
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behappy2
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:22 am
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Try to picture the whole world as a tiny ball in Hashems hand. Whatever happens in this ball he is holding it up. Whenever your child will face pain or discontent it is held up in his hand. If you can hold that idea for yourself it may be easier to let go of needing to protect him or her from all pain.
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ShishKabob
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:23 am
| behappy2 wrote: | | Try to picture the whole world as a tiny ball in Hashems hand. Whatever happens in this ball he is holding it up. Whenever your child will face pain or discontent it is held up in his hand. If you can hold that idea for yourself it may be easier to let go of needing to protect him or her from all pain. |
That's beautiful, thank you
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amother
Mint
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:37 am
What shishkabob said.
Try more and more to picture your children as happy healthy frum young adults in the future. Train yourself to see them turning out like that. This can help change the way you deal with them now.
Hugs and hatzlocha
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amother
Plum
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:38 am
| amother [ Black ] wrote: | Children who come from relaxed, chilled, happy home usually don’t go OTD.
They just want to please their parents... |
Many children who come from relaxed, chilled, happy homes are going off the derech. At the same time, there are many children from "broken" homes that are not off the derech so the home environment is not the only variable involved when it comes to children staying or leaving the derech. There are many variables involved including intellectual reasons, emotional ones, etc. Parents cant control all aspects of a childs life and there is no guarantee that the child will not go otd simply because they are from "happy" homes.
Op, there are no guarantees in life, you simply have to do your best and give your kids a very strong foundation in Yiddishkeit so they wont want to go OTD and leave the rest up to Hashem.
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honeymoon
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Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:50 am
| amother [ Black ] wrote: | Children who come from relaxed, chilled, happy home usually don’t go OTD.
They just want to please their parents... |
This is not necessarily true. It is just a way of reducing our anxiety of the unknown future. The way we parent does not guarantee any results either way. One can be a model parent, be attuned to their child's needs, give them an endless amount of love and do everything right and the child might still choose a different path than what the parents envisioned for them.
The premise that my great parenting will produce the children of my dreams is delusional at best and against the fundamental principles of Chinuch. We parent our children right because it is the right thing to do. Because our child deserves a loving home and a stable childhood. Because these are precious Neshamos not just dolls to be dressed to the tee. And because I chose to bring them into the world so I need to give them what it takes to make it in this world.
We do not parent because in twenty years I'll be the Rosh Yeshiva's mother. Having children who grow up to be Frum and Ehrlich should be a dream to nurture while you wipe runny noses, and listen to a child in pain. But it should not be the reason we do all the things we do.
Our children aren't pieces of clay that we stuff into a mold and squeeze them through the hole so they come out the shape we want. They are human beings who need to gently be taught how to navigate life and grow up to be emotionally healthy and productive adults.
I will add, that a child who sees a parent serve Hashem with joy and serenity has a solid foundation on which to do the same. Yet it is not certain. The only thing that is certain is that we, as parents, must try our best to give our children everything they need in order to be the best they can be. Yet the results are not in our hands (or our minds).
Last edited by honeymoon on Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:53 am; edited 1 time in total
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