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Very Nervous my kids will be OTD
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honeymoon




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 17 2019, 9:52 am
amother [ Plum ] wrote:
Many children who come from relaxed, chilled, happy homes are going off the derech. At the same time, there are many children from "broken" homes that are not off the derech so the home environment is not the only variable involved when it comes to children staying or leaving the derech. There are many variables involved including intellectual reasons, emotional ones, etc. Parents cant control all aspects of a childs life and there is no guarantee that the child will not go otd simply because they are from "happy" homes.
Op, there are no guarantees in life, you simply have to do your best and give your kids a very strong foundation in Yiddishkeit so they wont want to go OTD and leave the rest up to Hashem.


This. You said everything I thought in a short and clear yet very powerful way. Beautiful.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 17 2019, 11:19 am
Be normal for your community. PRAY. And remember rav Wolbe, iirc, said it' a yetzer to worry about stuff more than 5 years ago
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 17 2019, 11:25 am
Rav Moshe Feinstein said that the number one reason that children go OTD, is that they see their parents treat Judaism as a burden or a source of stress.

If you do everything b'simcha, you kids will want to join in and have fun. Even if they go their own way as adults, they will think back and have happy memories of their childhood. That is the number one reason why they may come back to yiddishkeit.

Give them a happy and healthy view of yiddishkeit, and that is the best insurance you can have.

And of course, daven, daven, daven!
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 17 2019, 11:46 am
Mama Bear wrote:
CHILL.
Your kids need you to be a relaxed and happy mother.
A mother they can come to and talk things through if they have issues.
Being stressed out around them will ensure that they won't come to you when they want to talk something through, bc they'll know you're gonna get anxious immediately.
Just be yourself. And trust them.


Welcome back!
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 17 2019, 11:49 am
amother [ Mustard ] wrote:
There is the increasingly common singular "they".


And maybe some purists are resisting using it.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, Jul 17 2019, 3:24 pm
Whatever you do, do not let your worries lead you to being down their backs with yiddishkeit. There is nothing that turns kids off more than having their parents be their mashgiach.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Wed, Jul 17 2019, 4:36 pm
Children can go OTD for many reasons, and plenty of those reasons really don't have much to do with the home environment or parenting style.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Wed, Jul 17 2019, 6:34 pm
Rubber Ducky wrote:
Amother Goldenrod simply doesn't want to reveal "the child's" gender. Nothing cold about it.


Correct. Unfortunately the incredible loving relationship we have with our child failed to come through because I did not want to give anything more away than I had to. It’s the child’s privacy being protected.
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Greenbelle




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 18 2019, 8:24 am
Dear Friend,
I did not have a chance to read all the posts since I am at work, so forgive me if someone said this already.

Our children are not ours!

They belong to G-d and are only on loan to us, to love, nurture, guide, protect, teach, etc etc.

From a source of deep pain and anxiety, I once said to one of my children.
"IF you go off the derech, if you don't believe in Hashem, my life will not have been worth living."

I would never make such a statement again.

It was a mistake to put such a burden on a child,
it was a mistake to even put such a burden on myself!!

we try our best to create a loving relaxed and happy home, we look positively at Torah and mitzvos and the rest is up to Him and it is His responsibility not yours!!!

there is no reason to worry my dear friend, each child has his own path, his own way of fulfilling his purpose on earth.

Now, I have learned

I don't critique my children's yiddishkeit or lack thereof.
we have a warm relationship and talk about everything.
I told them all they can choose their own derech as long as it is valid,
it does not have to be mine.

and if G-d forbid they lose their faith or lose it for a period of time,
I remind G-d that I am the babysitter; a deeply invested loving babysitter, who would give her life for these children who belong to Him, not me.

I hope this has helped.
hugs!
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Thu, Jul 18 2019, 10:09 am
PinkFridge wrote:
And maybe some purists are resisting using it.

Of course you want to resist, because of the pain it causes when you use or hear it, but then a nonbinary person forces you.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Thu, Jul 18 2019, 6:34 pm
My kids BH are all in their 30s. One daughter is really conservadox and it bothers me that she lets her 9 yr old son use his electronics on Shabbat and lets them swim on Shabbat as well. I did make a big mistake with her growing up. I so much wanted her to be a bais yaacov type that I sent her to right wing schools that threw her out because she was sitting with fellows at the Pizza Store. She was very very turned off! In retrospect she would of done well in a modern orthodox school from the beginning. We are modern orthodox and she did not fit in.
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urban gypsy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 19 2019, 5:55 am
amother [ cornflower ] wrote:
My kids BH are all in their 30s. One daughter is really conservadox and it bothers me that she lets her 9 yr old son use his electronics on Shabbat and lets them swim on Shabbat as well. I did make a big mistake with her growing up. I so much wanted her to be a bais yaacov type that I sent her to right wing schools that threw her out because she was sitting with fellows at the Pizza Store. She was very very turned off! In retrospect she would of done well in a modern orthodox school from the beginning. We are modern orthodox and she did not fit in.


Why did you want her to be a BY type if your family is MO???
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:00 am
urban gypsy wrote:
Why did you want her to be a BY type if your family is MO???


I get this. it’s all about the “always working on yourselves” and “reaching higher” rhetoric that gets bandied about. We want our kids to reach holier and loftier goals than we have achieved. But the fact remains that sometimes the best way to keep our kids frum is put them in the most comfortable environment for them.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:19 am
I worked in a Right winged Yeshivah HS and loved the way the young 20 yr old teachers turned out. I started to cover my hair because I was so inspired! I wanted my give my daughters the opportunity of being exposed to a Bais Yaacov type of hashkafa. My husband is very modern but he left everything up to me with parenting and trusted my parenting decisions. I realized years later that it wasnt a good idea to send a kid to a school whose Hashkafa is so different from the home. I apologized to my conservidox daughter for sending her to such a right winged Yeshiva but explained why I did it. We are human and all make mistakes
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amother
Mint


 

Post Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:25 am
it can be concering
really we can only do our very best (no one is perfect!) and acknowledge Hashem is in charge
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urban gypsy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:32 am
amother [ cornflower ] wrote:
I worked in a Right winged Yeshivah HS and loved the way the young 20 yr old teachers turned out. I started to cover my hair because I was so inspired! I wanted my give my daughters the opportunity of being exposed to a Bais Yaacov type of hashkafa. My husband is very modern but he left everything up to me with parenting and trusted my parenting decisions. I realized years later that it wasnt a good idea to send a kid to a school whose Hashkafa is so different from the home. I apologized to my conservidox daughter for sending her to such a right winged Yeshiva but explained why I did it. We are human and all make mistakes


Is she your only child or did you send your other children elsewhere?
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Fri, Jul 19 2019, 10:38 am
You sounds insanely controlling.. perfect recipe for desaster.
Why do you need your kids to turn out the way you want them to? They don't belong to you. They are free human beings who should be choosing on their own what makes them happy. You can have a wishing your heart and hope it works out but pushing and pressuring them is gonna send them exactly where you don't want them to be.
My mom was like this, and me and all my siblings got the h-ll out of there right after high school. None of us turned out the way we were supposed to. But we are happy and the only one who is miserable is our mom.
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frumarochel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jul 19 2019, 3:40 pm
My own life is exactly what you are dreading. Perhaps my experiences will help you.

I, too. wanted a large family of frum children. I was able, Thank G-d, to have two healthy bright daughters. I went through unimaginable efforts to raise my kids religiously the best I could. There were many things beyond my control.

Now in adulthood, they are doing well and are happy. But they are less observant than I raised them. This breaks my heart.

However, how am I doing with a broken heart? I'm doing okay. Life goes on. There are still lots of responsibilities for me. I have to set a good example for my adult daughters (who I love very much) so they will see Jewish observance in a positive light and not be turned away by anything I might say. Even grown-ups are super-sensitive to their mother's opinions. You have to be very careful not to hurt them with even a chance comment which they misconstrue.

There were things I couldn't control; but I can control myself.

I wish you the best of good luck and happiness, OP. Hopefully, you have much more on your side than I had and I can pretty much reassure you that you are worrying yourself long before there is anything to worry about. Have faith in your children!
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