Singles | Imamother

southernbubby

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 5:27 pm

It's a great article but it seems that sometimes a person ends up married to whatever is opposite what they are looking for. It may take time for them to reach the ability to do that but this is why people push trying things that are not what the person is looking for.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 5:33 pm

True but if you are going to "push" do it in a respectful way. Don't do it in an angry, belittlng, condescending, or obnoxious way. Accept a "no" for what it is. Don't get insulted when someone turns down a bizarre suggestion.
I had so many horror stories and I bet most singles 30+ do, too. What she describes is truly just the tip of the iceberg.

amother

Indigo

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 5:35 pm

thank you for posting.
I just cried my eyes out. I felt all her pain bc I went through it too.
I felt like garbage every RH in shul with no sheital on my head.
it still hurts me now...

amother

Green

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 5:57 pm

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

thank you for posting.
I just cried my eyes out. I felt all her pain bc I went through it too.
I felt like garbage every RH in shul with no sheital on my head.
it still hurts me now...

The pain is so unbearable and I know it all too well.

I'd say the most hurtful part in my opinion is how few people actually care to pick up the phone and make a suggestion

Does anyone care??

leah233

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 6:24 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

The pain is so unbearable and I know it all too well.

I'd say the most hurtful part in my opinion is how few people actually care to pick up the phone and make a suggestion

Does anyone care??

Yes. I care deeply about older singles. Barely a day goes by that I don't think about and daven for them.

But calling them with suggestions is tricky . When I read about all the hurt from inappropriate and pushy suggestions and when I know how sensitive of a position they are in, I hesitate to call when I myself am uncertain if the Shidduch is a very good idea.

Last edited by leah233 on Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:28 pm; edited 1 time in total

EPL

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 6:25 pm

As the mother of a much older single, I don't sleep at night, worried about her future. I do, however, try to make matches for all the older singles I know. I believe, as Rabbi Pesach Krohn has said, that everyone can and should try to make matches.

ectomorph

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 6:39 pm

leah233 wrote:

Yes. I care deeply about older singles. Barely a day goes by that I don't think about and daven for them.

But calling them with suggestions is tricky . When I read about all the hurt from inappropriate and pushy suggestions and when I know how sensitive of a position they are in I hesitate to call if I myself am uncertain of if the Shidduch is a very good idea.

Me too
I know ppl will be upset at me if I suggest things they don't think are good enough. Its easier not to make any suggestions.

southernbubby

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:11 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Me too
I know ppl will be upset at me if I suggest things they don't think are good enough. Its easier not to make any suggestions.

That's what ends up happening; people would rather keep their mouth shut than risk hurting the single person.

Last edited by southernbubby on Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:11 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Papaya

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:11 pm

It wasn't the "layperson" type of shadchan who was so hard to deal with, it was mainly the official shadchanim, to be honest.

What was the hardest was the loneliness, after my friends were all married. Most didn't stay in touch, and of the few who did, it was hard to take the well meaning attempts at "chizuk" that were totally unsolicited. It's hard to be on the receiving end of so much pity, however well intentioned the person is. I never appreciated someone randomly telling me they were davening for me (with tears rolling down their face! Just made me feel stupid and awkward) or calling me up out of the blue excitedly with some segulah they just heard of.

I also didn't like the barely concealed resentment on the part of people who assumed I had this fun, care free life, while they were these household drudges tied down with no money. The catty comments I heard about other singles' frequent manicures or nice jewelry (I personally rarely indulged) was obvious.

amother

Violet

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:37 pm

The problem with these articles is that everyone is different. I didn't mind iyH by you. It's a Brocha and I took it that way. I didnt get very many suggestions (maybe a couple a year), so it was nice to know someone was thinking of me. Except when it wasn't and the suggestion made me feel: this is what you think of me? Single events were not helpful at all (where were all the normal guys??).
I didn't really like the pushy people or the ones who felt that it was enough for us both to be frum. But at the same time, I didn't like the ones who thought they knew what I wanted even when it wasn't what I wanted.
So what do I do now for older singles? Daven. If I can find someone who I think looks good on paper, I'll try. I'll ask people if they know anyone for them. I won't be pushy at all. If I think it may work, but they may be offended, I'll have them both over for a meal with other people(even though I don't usually have coed meals) and see what happens. And in general, I try to include them. Invite them over for a meal, keep up with them, treat them like a normal human, but don't bring up dating unless they want to talk.

amother

Floralwhite

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 12:49 am

I agree with violet. Everyone is different. I got married at 39. It kills me that I have so many friends in their 40s who are still single. Of course I try to set them up but I don't live in the same city so I can't have singles for shabbos meals. I constantly network for my friends but everyone tells me they don't know any guys or the guys whose names come up are the guys I dated when I was still single and my friends know them.

southernbubby

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 8:45 am

The spin off thread had a post that hit upon the real issue. In the Chassidishe community people are simply looking for someone who will play a role but they don't date to discover whether or not the person can meet their social and emotional needs. The Litvish and Chabad communities want more in a spouse than simply someone who will be their partner in establishing a frum home.

mig100

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 11:52 am

EPL wrote:

I don't believe singles will feel resentful, unless the suggested match is wierd. Otherwise, I know from experience they will feel grateful, even if it's not on the mark.

This. I agree strongly.

amother

Violet

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 12:24 pm

mig100 wrote:

This. I agree strongly.

Everyone has a different idea of weird. When I was 25, I was forced to go out with a divorced boy with children multiple times, because I was an old maid. I was resentful. I ended up getting married to something I was looking for at a much older age. Other suggestions that I was offended with may not have been weird to the shadchan, but I minded (barely frum men (like seriously questionable observance -not chumras), men that insulted me the whole date, men that just had other serious problems). I wasn't a catch, but still. Just because you think it's not weird doesn't mean that I won't. So tread carefully.

urban gypsy

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 12:29 pm

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

Other suggestions that I was offended with may not have been weird to the shadchan, but I minded (barely frum men (like seriously questionable observance -not chumras), men that insulted me the whole date, men that just had other serious problems).

I experienced all of these and bear in mind that often it is impossible for the shadchan to know these things. I particularly remember dating a guy who was considered to be a "ben bayis" of the Mara D'Asra of my city and he told me I must wear jeans LOL

urban gypsy

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 12:37 pm

elisheva25 wrote:

Great article !!
https://mishpacha.com/the-older-single/

Okay I read the article and WHAT ON EARTH IS AN ACCREDITED SHADCHAN?

Excellent point though: "We put our pictures on our profiles, even though we don’t want to. Our images are not printed in magazines and newspapers to preserve modesty, but now modesty doesn’t seem to matter."

ectomorph

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 12:45 pm

EPL wrote:

I don't believe singles will feel resentful, unless the suggested match is wierd. Otherwise, I know from experience they will feel grateful, even if it's not on the mark.

I know from experience when its off the Mark it's frequently taken personally.

For instance, I meet a guy at shul. Seems frum. Set him up w girl. Girl gets upset he's not as frum as her.

The problem is, if you expect everyone making a shidduch to filter for weird, frum, financially stable, handsome... The fact is most people don't have time to do tons of re search