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Forum
-> Interesting Discussions
EPL
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 2:48 pm
Ectomorph wrote, she tried to set up a girl with a guy who was not as frum as she was, and the girl got upset. This is wrong of the single. What she should have said was, "thank you so much for thinking of me. I'm actually looking for someone more frum, so if you can think of anyone else for me, I'd really appreciate it." This is how I respond anytime someone calls with a suggestion for my daughter.
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amother
Papaya
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 2:53 pm
You can not always expect someone who is going through an extremely difficult situation to always react in a non emotional and rational way. Just another thing the author of this article was describing, the very thin tightrope the older single is expected to balance on at all times.
Maybe she shouldn't have, but who here can honestly admit to never lashing out at a spouse, child, or friends in a moment of extreme frustration.
Maybe it was a bad date piled up on years of bad dates. I challenge you to be in the same exact situation and always remain so calm and self controlled.
Btw, being the mom of an older single isn't the same as being the single herself. As much as I knew my mom empathized and worried about me, there was still a bit of a disconnect.
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amother
Wine
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 3:24 pm
This is controversial, but some older singles should consider getting divorced. It ironically comes with higher status in the community, and being a divorced single parent is better than being childless and single.
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amother
Violet
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 3:32 pm
amother [ Wine ] wrote: | This is controversial, but some older singles should consider getting divorced. It ironically comes with higher status in the community, and being a divorced single parent is better than being childless and single. |
Please don't suggest this to older singles. Status is not everything.There is no guarantee that you will have a child easily and getting married to get divorced is ridiculous. Freezing eggs is a much better option is you are worried about children.
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amother
Khaki
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:29 pm
amother [ Wine ] wrote: | This is controversial, but some older singles should consider getting divorced. It ironically comes with higher status in the community, and being a divorced single parent is better than being childless and single. |
This is so bad on so many levels. Maybe care less about what the community thinks my do what makes you happy. I moved to a much more modern community and suddenly being an older single wasn't so bad anymore. I married a man who is way more modern than I ever thought I'd marry and we're happily married after dating for as long as we wanted.
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gamanit
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:35 pm
allthingsblue wrote: | If someone felt it might be taken as an insult, they surely wouldn't ask their single friend to babysit or cook for them. How could one be insulting and not the other? |
A lot of people take meal invites as saying that they're a chessed case and prefer to be on the giving side. I had a friend who used to offer help but would be super offended if any was offered to her. If I invite anyone though it generally means I'm interested in enjoying their company
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amother
Scarlet
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 4:48 pm
as an aside: its not really right for a man or woman to go into a marriage thinking they can get divorced and be "better off" somehow rather than single
its not fair to the spouse
or the children
and its not necessarily true
and can take a terrible toll emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially
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amother
Coffee
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 5:00 pm
amother [ Wine ] wrote: | This is controversial, but some older singles should consider getting divorced. It ironically comes with higher status in the community, and being a divorced single parent is better than being childless and single. |
If this coming from your personal experience, I would be fascinated to hear any details you want to share. If it's not, it's truly a horrible suggestion.
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mig100
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 5:02 pm
amother [ Papaya ] wrote: | You can not always expect someone who is going through an extremely difficult situation to always react in a non emotional and rational way. Just another thing the author of this article was describing, the very thin tightrope the older single is expected to balance on at all times.
Maybe she shouldn't have, but who here can honestly admit to never lashing out at a spouse, child, or friends in a moment of extreme frustration.
Maybe it was a bad date piled up on years of bad dates. I challenge you to be in the same exact situation and always remain so calm and self controlled.
Btw, being the mom of an older single isn't the same as being the single herself. As much as I knew my mom empathized and worried about me, there was still a bit of a disconnect. |
Very good post. Having been single for many years I agree with every word- especially the bolded ( which applies to many situations in life)
Yes. When u suggest a shidduch we have to be prepared for the single to take out their frustration on us- as pointed out in the quoted text so well- its years of frustration piled up often.
It's unfortunately rare that a suggestion gets as far as a date. It's rare that it's even gets appreciated
That still doesn't exempt us from trying.
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mig100
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 5:06 pm
Another wine - I don't want to quote ur text and have it printed again- its side tracking the whole discussion.
I think it's more productive if we focus on how we can help the difficult plight of older singles.
Let's focus on what WE can do to HELP them get and STATY MARRIED rather than the alternative
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amother
Apricot
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 6:54 pm
ectomorph wrote: | Me too
I know ppl will be upset at me if I suggest things they don't think are good enough. Its easier not to make any suggestions. |
It seems you are trying to punish singles. If you didn’t speak out a suggestion well and got a bad response then apologize and try to do better. Be thoughtful and express your idea.
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amother
Burgundy
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Fri, Jul 19 2019, 7:42 pm
amother [ Khaki ] wrote: | This is so bad on so many levels. Maybe care less about what the community thinks my do what makes you happy. I moved to a much more modern community and suddenly being an older single wasn't so bad anymore. I married a man who is way more modern than I ever thought I'd marry and we're happily married after dating for as long as we wanted. |
Wow - good for you!! That must have been so hard. Most people aren’t strong enough to change communities like that on their own.
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imasoftov
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Sat, Jul 20 2019, 6:59 pm
urban gypsy wrote: | Okay I read the article and WHAT ON EARTH IS AN ACCREDITED SHADCHAN? |
... and who does one complain to to get a shadchan's accreditation revoked?
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Metukah
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Sat, Jul 20 2019, 8:46 pm
southernbubby wrote: | The spin off thread had a post that hit upon the real issue. In the Chassidishe community people are simply looking for someone who will play a role but they don't date to discover whether or not the person can meet their social and emotional needs. The Litvish and Chabad communities want more in a spouse than simply someone who will be their partner in establishing a frum home. |
I don't want to sidetrack the thread and I don't know what spinoff you are talking about, but I don't agree with anything you write in this post.
Are you saying this from experience? On imamother I've noticed that the people who 'know' the most about chassidim are those who aren't chassidish.
I may have only met dh 4 times, but I was definitely not looking for someone to fill a role. Nor was anyone in my family and most people I know. If that was the case, the divorce rate in the chassidish world would be much lower than it currently is.
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southernbubby
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Sat, Jul 20 2019, 11:07 pm
Metukah wrote: | I don't want to sidetrack the thread and I don't know what spinoff you are talking about, but I don't agree with anything you write in this post.
Are you saying this from experience? On imamother I've noticed that the people who 'know' the most about chassidim are those who aren't chassidish.
I may have only met dh 4 times, but I was definitely not looking for someone to fill a role. Nor was anyone in my family and most people I know. If that was the case, the divorce rate in the chassidish world would be much lower than it currently is. |
I am talking about the people who get engaged at an early age to someone who they only met a couple of times. They are not going out on dates to see if they are compatible. They don't have as many older singles because they are not rejecting numerous people.
People have also accused me of forming opinions about older singles when I don't know that many of them. The few that I do know are very specific about what they want to the point that it is a needle in a haystack. Maybe they are not truly representative of the singles population any more than the neighbors here, whose kids marry people that they have spent very little time with, are representatives of Chassidishe people.
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amother
Khaki
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 8:25 am
Metukah wrote: | I don't want to sidetrack the thread and I don't know what spinoff you are talking about, but I don't agree with anything you write in this post.
Are you saying this from experience? On imamother I've noticed that the people who 'know' the most about chassidim are those who aren't chassidish.
I may have only met dh 4 times, but I was definitely not looking for someone to fill a role. Nor was anyone in my family and most people I know. If that was the case, the divorce rate in the chassidish world would be much lower than it currently is. |
I didn't know the divorce rate in the chassidish world is high?
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amother
Cobalt
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 8:55 am
As the mother of an older single for our community, I have this to say.
If you are a lay person then I’m ok with the suggestion and saying do your own research because I don’t really know the person.
BUT, If you are a shadchan at least interview the person. Be a good judge of character/personality. And if f you are not, then don’t call yourself a shadchan.
With all this in mind, 2 of my children were suggested by a lay person and have wonderful marriages.
The 3rd by a “PROFESSIONAL SHADCHAN”, it took a while but now their marriage is just ok.
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mig100
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 7:51 pm
amother [ Cobalt ] wrote: | As the mother of an older single for our community, I have this to say.
If you are a lay person then I’m ok with the suggestion and saying do your own research because I don’t really know the person.
BUT, If you are a shadchan at least interview the person. Be a good judge of character/personality. And if f you are not, then don’t call yourself a shadchan.
With all this in mind, 2 of my children were suggested by a lay person and have wonderful marriages.
The 3rd by a “PROFESSIONAL SHADCHAN”, it took a while but now their marriage is just ok. |
I'd say the opposite. A "professional" usually deals with a lot of singles- some that they know better some barely.
A " lay person" usually is suggesting aomeone that they know better
I wouldn't make generalizations about correlation between who made the marriage and how good the marriage is.
Again I want to mention that EVERYONE SHOULD make an effort to make suggestions- even though will often not be appreciate
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naturalmom5
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Sun, Jul 21 2019, 10:57 pm
amother [ Cobalt ] wrote: | As the mother of an older single for our community, I have this to say.
If you are a lay person then I’m ok with the suggestion and saying do your own research because I don’t really know the person.
BUT, If you are a shadchan at least interview the person. Be a good judge of character/personality. And if f you are not, then don’t call yourself a shadchan.
With all this in mind, 2 of my children were suggested by a lay person and have wonderful marriages.
The 3rd by a “PROFESSIONAL SHADCHAN”, it took a while but now their marriage is just ok. |
No offense
But maybe the third child is a personality issue
A shadchan even a PROFESSIONAL isn't a psychiatrist
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urban gypsy
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Mon, Jul 22 2019, 9:22 am
imasoftov wrote: | ... and who does one complain to to get a shadchan's accreditation revoked? |
Hashem obviously
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