S/O Singles | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 4:46 pm

So...
I got married young, to the 3rd boy I met. I never met a shadchan, wrote a resume or asked anyone for help in shiduchim. All the dates I had were suggested by people who knew us personally. My kids are reaching the age of shiduchim and I'm getting nervous. A little.
Why the way it worked for me doesn't seem to work for others? I lived out of town, was not a GO head or a head counselor ever. Knew and still know few people and not sociable at all. I see shiduchim made in my shul between people from our community, bit otherwise everyone is sending resumes and reaching out to shadchans.
If my son was ready to get married I would keep my eyes and ears open for suggestions. But really, I can't imagine going to a shadchan. It seems so impersonal to match 2 people on paper. Besides, the resumes I've seen are not at all about personalities, plans, wants and needs - it's all about where the person and family went to school and work, or whom their siblings are married to. ( I was forwarded a few resumes looking for shiduchim, in case I know someone).
So the question is: why does it have to be complicated? Why we don't hear of regular people making shiduchim/ suggesting their neighbors, nieces or co-workers? What's different now from when I was of age?

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 4:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I hear a lot of siblings making shidduchim with their friends. It seems to work out.

I also didn't go to an offical shadchan. DH and I met because people who knew us thought we would be great together.

My kids are getting close to the age of shidduchim. I don't plan to go through a shadchan. It seems inorganic. ITA that nothing of their personality comes through.

pesek zman

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 5:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oh, good to hear it still works for some. The whole "crisis" situation is weird IMHO.

I don’t know what you mean by the crisis is weird. Bottom line, you had Mazel. Mazel that you married the 3rd guy and Mazel that you were set up in a way that felt organic to you. Others don’t/didn’t have such Mazel. Be happy but dont be smug. It’s all Mazel

amother

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 6:03 pm

pesek zman wrote:

Not at all.
I'm asking because I don't know the system, since I have not used it myself and want to understand it. I hope and pray that my children's parsha is short and easy.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 6:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not at all.
I'm asking because I don't know the system, since I have not used it myself and want to understand it. I hope and pray that my children's parsha is short and easy.

I think what you wrote in your op can be misinterpreted- Why the way it worked for me doesn't seem to work for others?

Well, it worked for you because you were lucky. Bottom line. There are still lucky people nowadays, but short and easy isn't necessarily something that comes because you did something right. It's all from Hashem.

amother

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 6:08 pm

aricelli wrote:

My friend went to a shadchan for her second child because she felt that by her first she was getting such random names. When she and her daughter spoke to a shadchan they felt that she got to know what the dd was looking for and that the suggestions were more on target

I hear. More often I hear horror stories about shadchanim.

amother

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:02 pm

amother [ Bronze ] wrote:

I liked your post. I did absolutely nothing. Just as I described in OP. That was my experience. I don't have frum family. My friend's husband was her other friend's brother. I'm not privy to other people's stories. If I was lucky, great. I wish my kids be lucky too. I don't understand why it doesn't work for many others, so it seems. Why?

amother

Bronze

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why what doesn't work for many others?

amother

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:20 pm

amother [ Bronze ] wrote:

Why what doesn't work for many others?

Regular social network isn't enough for introducing young people to each other. I know that matchmaking is an ancient profession, but I always thought they went after the young people. I'm hearing that its the girls that are running to the shadchanim.

amother

Bronze

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 7:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sometimes it's enough, sometimes it's not. When someone isn't getting many dates, or has been dating for a while, it's only natural to expand their efforts.

amother

Slategray

Thu, Jul 18 2019, 9:27 pm

I'm modern (modern enough that I went on dates without being set up). It was the only way. Friends and accquaintences did try to set me up, but I was never remotely interested in those they tried to set me up with! Same for shadchanim. Not ever one second date from a time someone would set me up.

People would latch on to one trait of mine and set me up with someone with that same trait. Aka I was an American in Israel so they'd set me up with a boy because he was also American, and that was it! I appreciate that people tried, but I think people have collectively gotten bad at setting people up. I've tried to make a few shidduchim, and while I've had second + dates result, no marriages, so I'm not saying I'm the expert in making shidduchim.

amother

Seashell

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 12:03 am

When I started dating 20+ years ago I was set up my family members and friends. After a few years I got pressure to meet professional shadchanim. Most of the dates from those were really not appropriate for me, although a few were on the mark. Then friends started going to shidduch meetings and presenting me. Those dates were the WORST!!!!!
I also went to singles events and got some nice dates. I was on SYAS - hated almost every date I got from there, although I know a good number of couples who got married through SYAS and Frumster.

I got married at 39. One of my married friends set me up with a man in her neighborhood. It's all mazel. Right time, right place, right shaliach. Someone else had actually told DH about me a year earlier but it wasn't the right time and someone else ended up being the shaliach.

Rappel

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 12:13 am

OP, I think people are still getting set up by friends and family. It's just not a topic which gets universally discussed and written about, possibly because people are more confident and secure about it than they are about meeting random shadchanim.

A while back, there was a "how you met your husband" thread. The vast majority, across the spectrum, met through a friend, or on their own. Don't worry

amother

Slategray

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 1:04 am

The worst shidduch I was proposed was from a matchmaker on SYAS. I had asked on my profile for four specific things that I wanted, for example: lives in Israel, age 19-24, going to or finished a degree, and likes pets (it wasn't exactly those four, but Im paranoid about being recognized so you get the point). The matchmaker proposed a boy with NONE of those four. Not even one. I didn't get it until I noticed that the boy's height. I hadn't mentioned a height requirement because I didn't care, but this boy was about 5'3 and I am very short as well. The only thing I can think is that the matchmaker put us together only because I was shorter than him 😡😡😡

Like totally disregard what I want, and make a shidduch solely based on height??!! C'mon!

amother

White

Fri, Jul 19 2019, 1:12 am

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

People would latch on to one trait of mine and set me up with someone with that same trait. Aka I was an American in Israel so they'd set me up with a boy because he was also American, and that was it! I appreciate that people tried, but I think people have collectively gotten bad at setting people up. .

People havent gotten collectively bad. Standards for marriage simply have changed.
Once it was more than enough if you were about the same age and from the same country. And of course attracted physically.

People knew what roles were expected after marriage, and it was a good marriage if they fulfilled their role well (as parent, breadwinner, homemaker, according to gender).

Today people want emotional intimacy, shared hobbies, long heart to hearts. Roles are no longer rigid, and need to be renegotiated every year or two. Values are changing. People 'grow', change and develop, and want someone who will move in a certain direction with them.

Much harder to find a shidduch for that.