Breaking bad news | Imamother

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

Breaking bad news

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amother

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 8:19 am

A close family member is getting divorced and it is time to break the news to our kids. We have a logistical issue though. If we want to sit everyone together and have me and dh break the news jointly, the only time we can do it is Shabbos. Otherwise, I can have some one-on-one time with each kid during the week to let them know (if dh and I are not doing it together, I would be the one to do it as the family member is on my side). I don't feel particularly strongly on the question family meeting vs individual, but I do feel that such unhappy news should not be shared for the first time on Shabbos (of course, if the kids have questions or feelings about it that happen to pop up on Shabbos, I would have no problem discussing it then). Dh, on the other hand, feels the family meeting method is more important even if it means putting a damper on Shabbos. We are both willing to listen to other perspectives on the matter, and agreed that I'd post here and see what people think.

I just want to add, divorce is not new to our kids. My parents divorced when I was little, so my kids have understood the concept for as long as they can remember, they are aware that I grew up splitting my time between two households, etc. In the current situation, they are close with relative and the stbx, and if we're being honest, as much as we'd like to continue a relationship with stbx relative, we are going to be seeing a whole lot less of them once the divorce is final, so we need to prepare the kids for that sad reality. It is what it is.

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 8:20 am

Is there any way you can ask a Rav about whether or not it's okay/advisable to do it on Shabbos?

Sounds like a hashkafic issue.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 11:29 am

I would not do this on shabbos, and it's probably halachically problematic. Are you positive that's your only option for doing it jointly?

LovesHashem

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 11:35 am

What about Motzai Shabbos?

amother

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 12:03 pm

Shabbos ends too late. Dh works on Sundays. So it's we tell them together on Shabbos, or I tell them individually during the week.

groovy1224

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 12:06 pm

Depending on the age range of your kids, it might be better to do it individually. A 13 year old will have different feelings/questions/emotions than a 5 year old, and you'd be able to address each child directly according to his/her understanding.

trixx

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 12:15 pm

What is the reason for a family meeting?
I think it might make it into a bigger deal or more of a drama.

unexpected

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 12:19 pm

I also think it would be better to do this individually. Whenever dh and I have been in this situation we split the kids up (usually u do the boys, I'll do the girls) and grabbed them for a small casual chat. This way the kids who tend to overthink and dramatize got their time to do it, without subjecting the others who just wanted to needed to hear the news and move on

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 12:19 pm

How about Friday afternoon? If Shabbos ends late, it also starts late.

Iymnok

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 12:20 pm

I’d go for the one on one. Each kid processes differently and on their own level. A preschooler should be told differently than a teen.

seeker

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 12:23 pm

It seems unlikely that if this is such a priority you REALLY can't find ANY other time to do it... If it's just one or two people who couldn't make it to a family meeting then do it separately with them at the same time, I.e. right before or after, by phone if needed, so they don't end up accidentally bumping into the news before they're ready.

amother

Beige

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 2:11 pm

Your treating this like someone died. IMHO having a whole family sit down get together makes it a lot more dramatic than it needs to be turns it into a whole 'Trauma' when it doesnt have to be. Just tell each kid one at a time, on their level. They're familiar with divorce. Its not a new concept.

I think you are probably feeling devastated and sad about it. Its your close relative after all. But no need to transfer your feelings onto them by making it into more than it is. For little kids, (unless its their own parents divorcing) while the news might be surprising, it doesnt affect them or their daily lives as deeply as it is probably affecting you right now.

amother

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 2:23 pm

Beige, how do you confidently say its not going to affect their lives? I have not specified exactly how we're related, but it's a close relationship, they live (for now) geographically close, and are very involved with my kids. My kids love them both. For various reasons, there's a very high chance that the side of the couple that is not biologically related to us is not going to be in our lives so much anymore. This is going to be very upsetting to the kids. Probably not a trauma, but still distressing. This isn't just a whatever piece of news. My kids will be impacted and will be upset about someone they love essentially disappearing.

amother

Beige

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 2:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I didnt say it wont affect them. I said it wont affect them as deeply as it will you. The way you handle it will determine how much they are affected.
Kids are also very resilient. They'll adapt to their new normal quicker than you think.

as an aside note- I obviously dont know you or your situation but is there truly no way to keep up a relationship with the stbx?

PinkFridge

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 3:00 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

In her OP she said they want to keep up the relationship but they'll be seeing the stbx less.
So with good will hopefully they won't become strangers.

amother

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 4:59 pm

amother [ Beige ] wrote:

I figure they'll adapt. It's still sad news and they will be saddened by it. I happen to agree that I don't think we need to make a formal event of this, but dh was thinking otherwise. Either way, I think we should not be informing them of such a sad development on Shabbos. Don't want to go into too much detail, but as much we hope we can keep up a relationship with the stbx, there is a high likelihood that it will end up fading into the background once this person is not so local anymore.

amother

Coral

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 5:46 pm

Is this more about having the kids together when they are told, or about dh being with you when you tell them? If dh was with you when telling each child on their own, would that be ok with him? I can see him wanting to be there for this, particularly if it is emotional for you.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 6:23 pm

when my bil got divorced I told it to the kids on a need-to-know basis. Ie, before going to my inlaws I told my son that btw your uncle will be there for shabbos. He will be alone because he unfortunately got divorced. My kids who weren't going, I didn't tell until they needed to know. I don't know if they discussed between themselves or not, but the kids who asked if they have to be worried about other ppl divorcing (such as myself and my husband) I reassured them that they didn't. The kids who wanted to know about continuing to see their cousins, I told them what I knew of the arrangements. It was so much less of a big deal than I thought it would be.

thunderstorm

Thu, Jul 25 2019, 6:31 pm

We had my siblings and siblings in law as guests for Shabbos and Yom Tov while they were separated. My kids (based on age) asked why their spouse didn’t join and that’s when we told them that they are most likely getting divorced. It was less than a 5 min. conversation. Zero drama, very matter of fact. They weren’t affected in any way other than having to be more open to having them be our guests more often than we used to have them.
A relationship doesn’t have to end with the stbx. Your kids can call and keep in touch and most likely will meet up at family simchos if it’s not a nasty divorce.

rivkeyb

Fri, Jul 26 2019, 8:10 am

how many years after the wedding is this family member getting divorced?

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