Bungalow takanas | Imamother

Chayalle

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:36 pm

southernbubby wrote:

But part of teaching middos is that we should not view others negatively for being less fortunate. Do you see parents of clique members working on that at all?

one of my sisters has a policy with her kids when shopping for trip nosh - they always buy an extra special nosh which they give away to a classmate or bunkmate who does not have, or has very little. My nieces have learned to spot that kid and be nice to her, and yes, I'm impressed that they have developed into caring and sensitive young ladies.

lcraighten

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:41 pm

Mrs.K wrote:

I think the concept of takanos are just sad. It used to be, back in the day, our parents told us no and we had to learn how to handle disappointment, even when, 'everyone else has it'. We didn't need wedding takanos because we were raised that you do what you can afford, and obviously, the wealthier person is able to spend more than the less wealthy person, and that's okay.

Only nowadays do we need a rule to tell someone that they may not do something that I can't afford because I'll either feel bad or go into debt lest the neighbors talk. Only nowadays am I ruining my child's self esteem and only hope for a good shidduch by saying, 'no, you had ice cream yesterday' or, 'I have a nice tub of ice cream from Costco in the freezer.'

Sigh. Millennials.

I agree that today's situation is sad, but why is this "Millennials"? Who raised the millennial generation? I think that Millenials are doing great! They are surviving in a world where tuition costs are much much higher than in the past and salaries are not adjusted accordingly. Sorry to sound harsh, but I take issue with everyone constantly blaming Millennials for issues that they didn't cause.

southernbubby

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:58 pm

Chayalle wrote:

We need more people like that. My DD once befriended a girl who was not a member of the "in" crowd and was happy that she did it because the girl passed away.

amother

Powderblue

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 6:59 pm

Mrs.K wrote:

Actually, it's Gen Z now. Millennials are all in their 20s and 30s.

amother

Blue

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:01 pm

Bungalow takanas just take the thinking out of parenting when that’s the small stuff to think about your values and hone your muscles as a parent.
I also think it’s necessary as parents to think along the lines of by saying no to something you are saying yes to something else . Like by saying no to that expensive toy you are saying yes to being responsible and living within your means .This direction of thinking may lead to more awareness of how your making decisions and the value systems behind them and allow for you to say yes when a child asks for something expensive ( seemingly out of your budget ) but meets a value of yours .

southernbubby

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:16 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

I am sitting in the bungalow watching the motorized riding toys whiz by and they are everywhere and are as much of bungalow culture as pizza and sushi. Saying "no" to something that most kids have is more difficult than saying "no" to something that only a few people have.

amother

Lavender

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:53 pm

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

I completely agree. We always try to frame it as how we align our values and take the emphasis off cost. Our kids know that we will never buy them a motorized anything - not because of the cost, but because we prefer our kids to be active and not use passive equipment. They know we will say yes to most sports equipment they ask for because we believe in the value of team work and keeping our bodies active for health reasons. However, we also always try to buy used sports equipment when possible (it’s amazing what you can find for a deal!) because we value spending the money saved on experiences like private sports lessons, music lessons, etc. we also talk to our children frequently about when spending more is worthwhile and when it’s pointless because the generic is the same. It also helps that we’ve tried to be proactive and find interests for our children that are out of the norm for most of their friends (think along the lines of tennis, golf lacrosse and racquetball) and they feel super special because they get to do something different.

As far as nosh/ice cream, again we frame it as a health issue. Yes ice cream and chocolate are delicious and we have it but everyday is bad for the beautiful bodies H-shem gave us so we keep it limited. To help counter the school pressure I make sure to buy all sorts of fun and different/exotic fruits and veggies and they love it.

Lastly, another way we reframe the discussion is by saying that we “love them so much and care so much about them and that’s why don’t stay up late every night/play violent video games/eat junk/say yes to everything Smile

we do it because we care”

marina

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 10:16 am

Mrs.K wrote:

lol all of religion is just takanos that people should have been able to figure out themselves but didn’t. Can you imagine during the days of Rabbeinu Gershom? “These takanos of not having more than one wife is just so sad, back in my day we didn’t need a rule for men to be monogamous!”

PinkFridge

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 3:10 pm

marina wrote:

No, that's not the point. The point is that back in the day, it was possible to have two wives to the benefit of the wives, instead of the wives not getting along
In theory. From the beginning polygamy was problematic but it was beneficial to the women.

I'm not going to extrapolate to the thread's situation. (And I am inclined to say that people are better off without such takanos.) But I'm reading the cherem differently.