DS came home very late - was I too harsh?

SixOfWands

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

because it seems to be the natural consequence of coming home after dinner time is over.

The natural consequence of not following rules is curtailment of independence. If you can't come home when you're supposed to, then you won't have freedom, or you'll need to be home even earlier until you can demonstrate that you're responsible.

As others have said, I wouldn't deprive him of food, but you don't need to make it delicious and appetizing. A cheese sandwich and an apple should hold him over just fine.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:51 pm

Op, like others have said, it is positively awful parenting to take away a childs meal. It borders on calling protective services. What if he continues to misbehave after you took away his supper? Will you take away his breakfast and lunch?

simba

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:52 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

This.
I wouldn’t be able to deprive a child of food. Honestly, that’s just mean.

ellacoe

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:52 pm

Assuming that the real goal of the punishment is to teach him not to do it again and not just to torture him, it is helpful if the punishment ties into the infraction. How can you punish him in a way that would teach him the importance of coming home on time?

amother

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:56 pm

ellacoe wrote:

that's what I thought I did
come home after dinner ---> missed dinner
what would you suggest?

amother

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:57 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

honestly? if a kid wakes up late and will miss his bus- yeah, they have to skip breakfast.

ShishKabob

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:58 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Allow him to eat SOMETHING. It doesn’t have to be the dinner you made. But he should be able to eat a peanut butter sandwich and a have a drink of water etc at least. I would also ground him and not let him leave your yard the next day and he’ll be stuck playing on your block as opposed to visiting friends that day.

I like this suggestion.
You can't let him go to bed hungry, but you don't have to go back on your words of no dinner. He can eat cereal and milk or a sandwich or whatever, but he needs to be able to get some food.
Bhatzlocha

SixOfWands

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 1:58 pm

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

As I said immediately above your post, I wouldn't take away a meal.

But not every bad parenting decision is tantamount to abuse -- and certainly not to the type of abuse that would result in a parent losing custody of their child.

Chill.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

that's what I thought I did
come home after dinner ---> missed dinner
what would you suggest?

What's wrong with all the suggestions made so far?

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:10 pm

Even if you don't want to follow through with the consequences you set, you need to keep your word.

I go with some food but not supper.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:10 pm

OP, of a child wakes up late and has no time for breakfast, send along breakfast for them to eat on the bus or in school. It's pure evil to withhold a meal as a punishment/consequence.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:18 pm

I guess I’ll be the voice of dissent. OP, you’re welcome to re-think the consequence and change it to one of the above suggestions for next time. But I don’t think it’s that terrible for a kid to miss a meal here or there unless there’s some underlying medical condition that makes it dangerous. As previous posters suggested, it may not be the message you want to send regarding food, or a punishment you want to use in the future for whatever reason, but I don’t think it’s that big a deal if it happens occasionally. I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it. He’ll be ok iyH and hopefully be more careful next time. Especially if you can help him come up with a better way to keep track of the time as you plan on doing.

thunderstorm

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:18 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

OP, of a child wakes up late and has no time for breakfast, send along breakfast for them to eat on the bus or in school. It's pure evil to withhold a meal as a punishment/consequence.

I think the words “pure evil” are a bit too harsh. However I agree that when a child wakes up late they can miss breakfast at home but I make sure to hand them a bag of dry cereal or some crackers or even a slice of toast to grab to take on the bus. They miss out on sitting at the breakfast table eating leisurely. That’s the consequence they suffer. I wake up late sometimes too and I would not want to be told that I can’t have my coffee or that I need to go hungry until lunch time because I overslept .

creditcards

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 2:32 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I agree. It also depends how long ago he ate last. Could be he ate right before going out to play. My kids usually eat something when they come home from school, go out to play and then come home later and eat supper before bed. If they wake up hungry in middle of the night they are always allowed to go to the kitchen and take some cereal and go back to bed quietly. So if they are deprived of some food it's not so terrible they will eat a bigger breakfast in the morning.

chanatron1000

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

honestly? if a kid wakes up late and will miss his bus- yeah, they have to skip breakfast.

That is socially accepted but a sign that our society has skewed priorities.

aliavi

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

that's what I thought I did
come home after dinner ---> missed dinner
what would you suggest?

I totally get your logical consequence and understand prioritizing behavior over hunger. I agree that you shouldn’t serve the normal supper and that food is not a punishment. Find a consequence you can live with and then discuss it with your DS. Let him know that you think you will go a different route for a consequence should it be needed in the future. Ask what he needs to help him be on time and if he can handle the responsibility to be home.

amother

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 3:37 pm

I hear you all. I have to think about it. He's sleeping now.

I guess if he wakes up soon I'll offer something.

otherwise I'm sure he'll be fine until the morning.

ellacoe

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 5:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

that's what I thought I did
come home after dinner ---> missed dinner
what would you suggest?

I would suggest having a conversation with him. Asking him if he knows why you are upset about his coming home late, and listening to what he has to say, getting his perspective on why he thinks it upsets you. If he is on point great, if not, explain to him again what about it bothers you. And then asking him what he thinks an appropriate consequence is. You might be surprised by what he has to say. If of course his ideas are not appropriate work with him to come up with something. When we have to give our kids consequence it is often better not to do it from our anger and frustration, but rather from a place of trying to teach and educate them because we care about them. Sometimes we act in the moment and forget what the purpose of consequences are.

Flip Flops

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 5:58 pm

You put yourself between a rock and a hard place.
As parents or educators it is so important to carry out our threats. When we say something will be the punishment we must enforce it.
Therefor, it is equally important to give a threat that can be carried out.
You cannot pose a ridiculous threat because then you will be forced to do it.
Before you outline the consequence or punishment, make sure you are willing to carry it out.

As a teacher, I know I can't say, "the next girl to talk will go to the principle", because then what will I do if the next few words come from the best girl in the class asking her seatmate for a pencil? Punishments have to make sense.

amother

Scarlet

Mon, Jul 29 2019, 6:08 pm

Flip Flops wrote:

What would happen if it were the "worst" girl in the room asking for a pencil? I certainly hope that consequences are not dependent upon your evaluation of whether a student is good or bad.