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DS came home very late - was I too harsh?
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:07 pm
I'm curious about your parenting in general. Is there communication between the two of you? Is there trust? Are there compromises? All of your posts seem to indicate otherwise and have a feeling of black and white.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:20 pm
NEVER PUNISH WITH FOOD!
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:32 pm
What kind of punishment would you like if you are having a great time socializing and bring your kids in later than you should for bedtime?
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:37 pm
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
What kind of punishment would you like if you are having a great time socializing and bring your kids in later than you should for bedtime?

No chocolate for you, that’s for sure!😉
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:37 pm
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
What kind of punishment would you like if you are having a great time socializing and bring your kids in later than you should for bedtime?


This.
He's 10. He was playing. He lost track of time- like an extremely normal ten year old boy.
Next time, don't make harsh threats, and you won't be tempted to follow through on them.
And yes, what you did was extremely overly harsh, rigid, and inappropriate.

Try to be more gentle and flexible in your parenting, less threatening and harsh. Kids turn out healthier that way, with less emotional baggage
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Optione




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:56 pm
amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:
Never ever punish a child by depriving them of food! It's your job as a parent to make sure your child has food, it's torture to send a child to bed starved!
You need a punishment that is appropriate to what he did. He came home late, take away his bike for a little while. (As much time as you deem appropriate.) Or give him an earlier cerfew for a week.
When my kids don't follow bike safety rules or they don't put away their bikes, we take it away.
But to deprive a child of food is pure torture and evil.

This.
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creditcards




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 10:12 pm
If I would be that child I would probably say I would rather skip supper and play a little longer!
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gamanit




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 10:23 pm
While this is not a punishment I would use I did always encounter it in books. It's interesting to see how times change.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 11:00 pm
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
What would happen if it were the "worst" girl in the room asking for a pencil? I certainly hope that consequences are not dependent upon your evaluation of whether a student is good or bad.


She's saying if it was the girl who spent all day talking and whispering and passing notes, it would make sense for her to go to the office. If it's the girl who sits and listens and pays attention and then ends up being the one sent out, there was very little point in the threat/punishment.
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flmommy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 11:18 pm
OP did you renig on your punishment and do something else? I think it would be wise. No harm in saying DS I am really upset about you disobeying but I think I made a poor choice in punishment. Come eat supper and then spend the rest of the evening in your room or no going out tmr.
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soap suds




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 1:31 am
If he misses dinner you could let him eat his portion cold. Don't reheat it for him.
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werty




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 1:36 am
Not letting a hungry kid eat is never ever OK!!! Take away a privelidge , not a need!!!!
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pizza4




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 2:21 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
What kind of punishment would you like if you are having a great time socializing and bring your kids in later than you should for bedtime?

This one.
How about having a conversation with him and explaining what your worries are in regards to his coming home on time. Talk to him and hear his side.
And the poster that suggested a watch with a timer is a great idea.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 3:06 am
ellacoe wrote:
I would suggest having a conversation with him. Asking him if he knows why you are upset about his coming home late, and listening to what he has to say, getting his perspective on why he thinks it upsets you. If he is on point great, if not, explain to him again what about it bothers you. And then asking him what he thinks an appropriate consequence is. You might be surprised by what he has to say. If of course his ideas are not appropriate work with him to come up with something. When we have to give our kids consequence it is often better not to do it from our anger and frustration, but rather from a place of trying to teach and educate them because we care about them. Sometimes we act in the moment and forget what the purpose of consequences are.


FINALLY! Some solid advice here.

Ask him if he understands why it's bad to stay out late, and if he understands that you get worried for his safety.

Ask him how you can help him remember time better. Brainstorm suggestions until you find something that is workable for both of you.

Ask him what HE thinks an appropriate consequence should be. Does he think that no dinner makes sense? What about being grounded for the next day? What about being grounded for 3 days, but he can "work off" two of those days by helping around the house and proving he can be responsible?

What you are looking for, is a Win/Win here. Don't turn this into a power struggle.

If you set your kids up to lose, that's what you'll get every time. He's still very young, and you have the power and authority to reset the dynamic so that everyone feels like they get a voice in the situation, and some respect.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 4:36 am
I find in summer when kids come home later from daycamp than usual winter schedule plus they go swimming daily, with no supper served in school, they come home much more starved than usual. They are also using much more energy on activities & heat pulls down too. I think its mamish cruel in such a time not to allow food/drink.

Think about it if the last time he ate was at 12 or 1 in school for lunch that would make at least 7 hrs without food before going to bed.

If he did eat when he got home or before he went out then its different.

Also if he was engrossed & didnt realize time passed, his hunger probably sent him home.

If you want to avoid such situations, how about he eats dinner when he gets home from school & only after that he goes out to play.

That way you know he is well fed. If your dinner isnt ready at that time either leave a portion over for him from night before or let him have some healthy snack to stave off his hunger

I know you dont want to back down on your threat & you want him to behave & listen.

Many people give portable suppers in the summer for kids to take along outside while they are playing like anything stuffed into a pita.

In summer its harder to ground them for a meal while everyone is playing outside. Some kids are too busy to eat & forget to eat, if you are not on top of them. The fun outside is more enticing
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 4:47 am
If you are in Europe or Israel where main meal is during day then its not that bad that he skipped light meal in evening but if he only eats lightly during day & main meal is in evening then most of his nutrition is coming from supper
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amother
Oak


 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 5:00 am
OP, all credit to you for warning your child of consequences, and following through.

All credit to you again for having the maturity to admit you might have been harsh.

Going forward, a different punishment may be better - but I think your parenting is pretty good (consistent, but with room for self-awareness) from where I'm sitting!
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 5:23 am
some schools are not so good at giving balanced meals either, so I focus on giving them healthy options like lots of vegatables, whole wheat bread & fruits at home.

My children can literally get in school, during day, (in summer) cereal/milk for breakfast, white bread, french fries & corn for lunch & mini danish for snack. Yes at end of day they are starved for normal healthy food.
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california2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:27 am
Yup, as a health professional I can attest - no (basically healthy) kid has ever gotten sick because of one missed meal. It's not the choice I'd make but it's not crazy. I also think I would not offer the choice of: come home early and eat the food with the family (could be not his favorite, could be boring conversation, could include sibling squabbles) OR stay out til whenever you want, and then come home and get to have cereal for dinner! Or at least, I wouldn't offer that choice if I really did want him home for dinner. As others have said, maybe the part you need to rethink, is whether you really DO want him home for dinner - maybe he can skip family dinner for some of the summer? That's a hard call, and good luck with it!
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:28 am
dankbar wrote:
I find in summer when kids come home later from daycamp than usual winter schedule plus they go swimming daily, with no supper served in school, they come home much more starved than usual. They are also using much more energy on activities & heat pulls down too. I think its mamish cruel in such a time not to allow food/drink.

Think about it if the last time he ate was at 12 or 1 in school for lunch that would make at least 7 hrs without food before going to bed.

If he did eat when he got home or before he went out then its different.

Also if he was engrossed & didnt realize time passed, his hunger probably sent him home.

If you want to avoid such situations, how about he eats dinner when he gets home from school & only after that he goes out to play.

That way you know he is well fed. If your dinner isnt ready at that time either leave a portion over for him from night before or let him have some healthy snack to stave off his hunger

I know you dont want to back down on your threat & you want him to behave & listen.

Many people give portable suppers in the summer for kids to take along outside while they are playing like anything stuffed into a pita.

In summer its harder to ground them for a meal while everyone is playing outside. Some kids are too busy to eat & forget to eat, if you are not on top of them. The fun outside is more enticing


See we don’t have the full picture.

Maybe he had a huge lunch and a big snack at 4. Most kids eat snacks. And take water bottles.

The kids not going to starve and suffer. No reason to call social services.
Personally I wouldn’t do it.
But I don’t think it’s the catastrophe people are making it out to be.
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