Dear Principal-Unsent Letter

notshanarishona

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 7:22 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

If your problem with rewarding academic achievement is that some people are left out, how is rewarding good midos not worse?

Because academics have to do with people abilities more than effort . Midos take work and derech eretz kadma latorah.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 7:35 pm

I didn't read the entire thread yet, but thunderstorm it is very often the school/hanhala who make it clear they took your child as a favor.
And every time you need to talk to the school you feel their judgement, you feel like a naughty kid in the principal's office- even when you did nothing wrong. You don't even realize it at first, until you finally pull your kid out (for various reasons) & the next school is happy to have your kid. Then you see how different it is.

No it's not necessarily the parents' own insecurities.
Signed.... bern there done that.

ChutzPAh

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you!
This school also implied that they regretted accepting my daughter who is a good BY girl with good middos and does well socially.

I guess the school feels she is tainting their reputation because when daughter #2 got rejected by the BY high schools we applied to I asked the elementary principal if I should try appealing to this school since I was a parent there.

The principal advised me not to bother-that the year after my daughter was accepted they tried getting other unwanted girls in and were told that they were no longer extending such “favors” to the school.

This is heartbreaking- unwanted girls????!!!!

nechamashifra

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, bh she was in camp when it arrived in the mail.
Like I said I will be mailing it to the school anonymously.
I was only venting here.
But no.
I cannot find it in me to be dlkz and assume this particular girl needed an encouraging note.
Knowing the school this is probably a girl who shines academically.
I’m happy she got the note.
I have no resentment.
I feel pain for my daughter and the poor students who will never receive these personal notes or made to feel wanted and worthy of being in that school.

Not everyone is made to shine at school. And for those who do shine academically, what is wrong with praising them? Good for them...they worked hard and achieved good grades. They're good at learning and therefore school (which is where you go to learn) is where they are going to succeed (and rightfully get praised for it).
If you want to help your daughter, focus on what she is good at instead of trying to get her praise for what she's not. If she likes art, sign her up for after-school art classes, if she's good at music, get her piano lessons. Everyone has a talent - the key is to find it. You're not going to raise her self-esteem with fake praise on something she knows she doesn't excel at. It's not an undeserved note from the principal that will make her feel worthy. She will feel worthy when she finds what it is she loves to do and works hard to excel at it

amother

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:22 pm

Yes
Where I live, the girls who do not do well academically and don’t have the right name/$ get rejected by the mainstream BY schools.
Every single year there are dozens of unwanted girls.

Even by those schools that are not “elite” or on a high academic level.
Even by the school who has no space constraints.
They are very protective of their reputation.

There are still 8th grade girls this year who have not yet secured a spot in a high school.
It takes a lot of pleading, crying, heartache, and finding the right “pull” to get into a school.

nechamashifra

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well then, you're in the wrong school system. These systems can only exist if parents continue to beg to be "allowed in". You should all walk away from it...sounds like the mafia to me.

amother

Olive

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:30 pm

nechamashifra wrote:

Most girls with the really good grades get a lot of public affirmation for it. There's nothing wrong with celebrating it per se, but to belabor the point even more isn't right.

amother

Wine

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:33 pm

groovy1224 wrote:

Oooorrr maybe the school could take 5 seconds to recognize the sweet, hardworking student right in front of their noses? And don't tell me it's not possible for the administration to recognize every single girl. We are very quick here to tell women not to have more kids than they can handle, so why is it okay for schools to accept more students than they can handle? I'm not saying every child needs a personal parade, but if all the 'average' girls are feeling swept under the rug, it's a huge horrible problem.

In very large schools yes some girls will feel swept under.
No one is forcing you to have kids, If you dont want more at the end of the day it is your choice. but plenty of schools are forced to take in girls even if they think it is too much for them. so this logic doesnt work.

amother

Wine

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:43 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Because academics have to do with people abilities more than effort . Midos take work and derech eretz kadma latorah.

Not really. both Middos and academics are something that one is either born with- in which case requires no effort and is easily attained or requires lots of effort if one is not born with it. some people are naturally smart and some people are naturally caring or pleasant.

nchr

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 8:46 pm

The fact that people are saying the administrations of some schools are snubbing students or speaking poorly about them is abhorrent to me. It's one thing to reject a student, but once accepted the school has a responsibility to treat each student with respect. Sometimes a school cannot address a particular child's needs, but that means the school is not an appropriate fit, but actually bullying a family is never acceptable.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 9:29 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Because academics have to do with people abilities more than effort . Midos take work and derech eretz kadma latorah.

Untrue. Midos has a lot to do with inborn temperament, whereas academic studies take a lot of effort and should be acknowledged.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 9:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Toronto?

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 10:09 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Most girls with the really good grades get a lot of public affirmation for it. There's nothing wrong with celebrating it per se, but to belabor the point even more isn't right.

Where do you get the idea that "most" girls with good grades get a lot of public affirmation? I've seen a lot of the opposite.

amother

Olive

Tue, Jul 30 2019, 10:10 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

Where do you get the idea that "most" girls with good grades get a lot of public affirmation? I've seen a lot of the opposite.

I guess that was from my personal experience in school. Could be it's different elsewhere.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 1:07 am

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

And why are we comparing our Bais Yaakov education to a public school education?

Do you really want a BY to be run like a public school?

(Trust me, you don't.)

I would. A public school is run by laws. In chareidi schools the hanhala does whatever they want.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 6:29 am

Oh my.... I didn’t read the whole thing...
I’m crying because my daughter is a true bas Yisrael with yiras shamayim and beautiful middos.. however, she struggles tremendously academically.
We live in Lakewood and will have to deal with high schools soon... please Hashem, create a positive school environment for my daughter and girls like her. These are good girls who are always trying to do the right things but don’t get acknowledged.

notshanarishona

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 6:37 am

I was a student who could naturally get 80's or 90's without putting in any effort and I know there were others like me . There are some girls who really worked for good grades but the majority has to do with ability .
Midos is something which I think the school should stress more and is more important in life than in many ways.
Yes some people naturally have an easier time with midos but it's still an avodah.