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Letting your kid go without is not necessarily good for them
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 5:25 pm
It can actually be damaging if you make your child always be the only one who doesn't have something.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 5:32 pm
Is this in response to something? Or just commentary?
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hodeez




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 5:35 pm
You as the adult have to decide what your kid can and cannot go without.
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icebreaker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 5:40 pm
Meh. I’ve always told my kids they were entitled to food, shelter and clothing. Doesn’t mean the food is always gourmet or that the house is fancy or the clothing name brand. Of course there were times that I bought them trendy things, but those times were because they deserved it. Not because everyone else had it and they needed it. My eldest is going to college in a couple weeks (waaah), my middle is pretty well-adjusted and my youngest is doing just fine.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 5:43 pm
As in everything else in life there is a middle road. Your child can do without some things and then we give in to others. Extremes of any sort are never healthy.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 5:43 pm
I still remember going to camp and borrowing my friend clothing even though my parents could afford buying me my own
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 6:45 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It can actually be damaging if you make your child always be the only one who doesn't have something.


I don't think that's very controversial.
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amother
Olive


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 6:57 pm
In life, you don't necessarily get everything you want or your neighbor has. Think of all the threads to that effect where people are complaining about their lot in life and blaming Hashem etc. My parents didn't give me many of the things I wanted and I think it made me much more resilient now when things haven't gone my way in life and much more happy with my lot despite bad things that went on (getting married late, bad bosses, severe infertility, sick family members, etc). Not saying that this works for everyone, but I think that learning at an early age that not everyone life is the same and to accept the good you do have in your life as a Brocha makes you better able to get thru life's challenges.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:05 pm
hodeez wrote:
You as the adult have to decide what your kid can and cannot go without.

You don't get to decide your childrens' needs; Hashem creates them.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:25 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
In life, you don't necessarily get everything you want or your neighbor has. Think of all the threads to that effect where people are complaining about their lot in life and blaming Hashem etc. My parents didn't give me many of the things I wanted and I think it made me much more resilient now when things haven't gone my way in life and much more happy with my lot despite bad things that went on (getting married late, bad bosses, severe infertility, sick family members, etc). Not saying that this works for everyone, but I think that learning at an early age that not everyone life is the same and to accept the good you do have in your life as a Brocha makes you better able to get thru life's challenges.


This is true. I do want to give my kids everything to fit in. Besides that I cant afford to, I dont think it teaches kids about real life and if they have everything to fit in, then when they are married, they will think they need 2 cars if everyone else has it. They will think they need buy a house if everyone else has it. They will think they need a few expensive new sheitels and clothing bec everyone else has it. .....etc....and what if they cant afford to have what everyone else has???

Then, they may be in a very bad financial state cvsh....so its better to teach them that ppl spemd on different things and its ok to be different in spending bec everyone earns differently and in the real world, hashem does not give every family unlimited riches to spend on everything. So, the reality is each person is different and everyone has to budget based on their circumstances which means some can buy every new trend item x y z but a lot cant. I know kids who always spent on what they wanted and when they married, they didnt kniw how to "do without" but they had a low paying job. So, they used grandmas credit card and wen dad checkes grandmas card, he was angry.....so, its ok to teach kids they dont need to have everything everyone else has.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:30 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You don't get to decide your childrens' needs; Hashem creates them.

Um, unless Hashem Himself tells you what your child's needs are, yes, you decide what they need or not.
You decide if they need to go to this or that school, go to a sleepaway camp or day camp, get a brand name/"in" knapsack/shoes/jacket or not, bring fancy snacks or the cheapest, have an American Doll/computer games or not, have a cell phone or not (and which one), etc.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:47 pm
I half joke with my daughter that I give her or don't give her based on what I think makes sense but if Hashem wants her to have it He has ways to make it happen.
she wanted to go to Disney I said no, my inlaws decided to take the family there. she wanted a chanuka present I said no, my mother got her one, she wanted to go to a certain place, her school took her...

as parents we have to use our seichel and thats the best we can do.
Op said always and "only one" I think most people would agree that that extreme isn't healthy but thats pretty extreme.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 7:50 pm
I think if ur kids know u love them, and u do ur best within your means, they'll be fine.

Fox had a post a while ago about how she got her kids cheap gadgets like sandwich maker and popcorn popper and they felt rich.
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unexpected




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:14 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It can actually be damaging if you make your child always be the only one who doesn't have something.

Sometimes you don't have a choice. And then it becomes a question of which is more damaging: withholding from your kid or dealing with the fall out of paying for things that you can't afford.
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amother
Purple


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 8:36 pm
I completely disagree. Due to circumstances beyond my control, my first marriage ended in divorce. My children didn't get an automatic allowance like their peers. They learned very quickly how to earn extra money on the side to buy what they wanted. They entered adulthood with more marketable skills than their peers and are better prepared for marriage because of it.
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amother
Lavender


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:03 pm
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
I still remember going to camp and borrowing my friend clothing even though my parents could afford buying me my own


This was me. I actually just brought this up to my mom and she denies it ...
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Jewishfoodie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:13 pm
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
I half joke with my daughter that I give her or don't give her based on what I think makes sense but if Hashem wants her to have it He has ways to make it happen.
she wanted to go to Disney I said no, my inlaws decided to take the family there. she wanted a chanuka present I said no, my mother got her one, she wanted to go to a certain place, her school took her...

as parents we have to use our seichel and thats the best we can do.
Op said always and "only one" I think most people would agree that that extreme isn't healthy but thats pretty extreme.


Oh my, so THIS!
I taught this to my kids their whole lives. I gave as much as it made sense to give, without giving them a sense of entitlement. But there were just "those things' I had to say no to on personal principle. And I taught my kids, "I'm not HaShem. I can think its not good for you to have it and I wont get it for you. But talk to HaShem because He is much more powerful than me. If He thinks you should have it, you will have it one way or another." And you wouldnt believe how hard they davened for things that were more important to them than to me. And further than that, you wouldnt believe (or you would) how HaShem found ways to give it to them. And I made sure to point each and every incident out to my children.

"Look! I didnt want you in this school. But see? HaShem knew more than me and got you in." And on and on.

You know what? It strengthened MY Emunah. Not just theirs! I felt so loved and so did they!

It's an amazing yesod.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:42 pm
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
I still remember going to camp and borrowing my friend clothing even though my parents could afford buying me my own


This is in a different category entirely. As a parent it's your responsibility to make sure your children have decent clothing to wear. If you can't afford to buy clothing then you as a parent need to figure out a solution--wear second hand, borrow money for clothes, make them yourself. A parent sending a child to camp without clothing is not meeting their basic needs. Now, do the clothes have to be brand name? Are you borrowing your friend's clothes because your own clothes are too nebby and you're embarrassed to wear them? That's a different story and then we can discuss how much or what type of clothing is adequate.

IME growing up in an OOT Bais Yaakov, the "in" things weren't necessarily costly, but there was the constant pressure of running around finding just the right type of clip or skirt or socks that everyone else was wearing. It wasn't an issue of money. I didn't feel like playing follow the leader, so I didn't, and I am trying to raise my children the same way.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 9:43 pm
OP, every child is different. Know your child. Treat accordingly.
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LovesHashem




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 29 2019, 11:06 pm
If your child ALWAYS gets what he asked for or wants; that's a problem too.
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