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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Thu, Aug 01 2019, 7:46 pm
I was looking into a book that I've seen recommended on social media called "Girl, wash your face" which brought me to the author's Instagram page. She has 1.5 Million followers, she's a 2 x New York Times Bestseller and top motivational speaker. By the looks of her instagram pictures she speaks to packed audiences of thousands, .....and all she seems to be doing is telling everyone to "believe in yourself" and "love yourself" "you are enough" etc (no I didn't end up getting the book).
One of her videos is of her 2 year old repeating her daily mantra "I am smart. I am strong. I am brave. I can do anything. And I love myself". I mean yes, the kid is adorable but the whole idea just seems so wrong to me... and yet it seems so popular in today's culture.
What is happening to the world? Why is everyone so obsessed with giving praise to themselves, their kids, and everyone around them? Do they actually think that this is how to raise someone's confidence in themselves? I believe in giving praise where praise is due. When a child works really hard and accomplishes something, of course we should praise them but the accomplishment itself is what builds self-esteem more than any over-showering of undeserved compliments.
I seem to be the minority here. I don't tell my kids "you can do anything" because let's face it: they can't. No one can. if someone told me "you can do anything", I would think well no, I can't sing, I'll never be a scientist and I'll probably never win a figure skating award. What I do say is: "wow! you are so good at math" or "good job on your art project...it looks amazing!"
And this whole "love yourself" propaganda. What does it even mean? Who loves themselves?
This new trend of "gender reveal" parties is just one example of how far we've gone in thinking we're so special. Why do people think that other than themselves, their spouse and maybe the grandparents, no one else cares that much about your baby's gender. But no...people are throwing actual parties for their friends and extended family members - come on over everyone, do we have a surprise for you, we are going to find out our future baby's gender...how fascinating this must be for all of you!
Really?
Am I the only one here?
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Kiwi13
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 7:53 pm
I only partially agree.
Self confidence is an awesome tool. Without it, even the most competent people will get stuck. But on its own, it’s not much of a goal. I think people in our times get down on themselves a lot more easily, and it IS important to build ourselves up, but that’s not the whole point. We build ourselves up so that we can move forward and live our lives. If we just live for ourselves, that’s a sad existence.
Total side point, but I actually love gender reveals! I’ve even watched many of them on YouTube by strangers I’ve never met. I just think there’s something really inherently exciting about it. A new life. It’s fun and exciting. Yes, I understand your sentiment. I just personally enjoy that particular example and I do find it exciting. 🙂
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amother
Blush
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 7:55 pm
I do the mantras with my child. A bit modified because we also talk about how we treat other people.
I don't think I'm raising a narcissist. I am trying to raise a kid who is confident and feels worthy.
On the flip side - I can't stand gender reveal parties. But that's because I think people have a super inflated sense of other people caring about the gender of their baby.
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rosezee
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 8:05 pm
Personally I didn’t like the book. Found it repetitive and not unique.
However, I hear your point. But I think you missed the point.
The idea is guided on research that calling a child “good girl” and praising only actions actually weakens the self esteem. Because the child then believed they are only good if they do good.
The idea is for your child to understanding they are always good, smart, kind etc.. even if they do something bad or make a mistake.
Because their decisions and mistakes don’t define who they are.
Also, being able to gain self esteem from within and not from others is a good skill.
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amother
Aubergine
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 8:07 pm
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What do you mean by asking who loves themselves? Are we not commanded to "love one's fellow as oneself"? How can we do that if we don't love ourselves?
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tachles
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 8:20 pm
I really agree with OP. I think it’s very weird trend to be excessively into praising ourselves for every little thing.
I do think I love myself and agree with PP that we are commanded to love others as ourselves which shows that’s a normal expectation that we are supposed to love ourselves.
But- telling children you can do anything I too think is ridiculous. They can’t . And when the day comes that they realize they can’t they might have a difficult time accepting that and in that way it can back fire on their self esteem.
I do think praising effort is great, however real self esteem comes from a higher place. I think kids need to be told how Hashem created each person and each person is so special to Hashem. That He cares and loves us. As part of man kind in general. As part of the chosen nation even more so. And that fills a kid with a real self esteem.
When it comes to praising effort - the best is to praise efforts to be kind, considerate, or anything else relating to middot, like controlling their urge to hurt another when angry. That’s real , healthy self esteem.
If they actually are talented you can say, how special that you are such a talented singer! Hashem gave you a special gift that you can cultivate and use to do good.
The generic your amazing ! Your the best! Can’t compare to this kind of stuff, imo.
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amother
Floralwhite
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 8:26 pm
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I think a lot of social media plays into this. There are thousands of people documenting the insignificant details of their lives daily, and thousands more watching them do so. It's a really sad way for us to be using our time and energy, IMO.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 8:30 pm
| amother [ Aubergine ] wrote: | | What do you mean by asking who loves themselves? Are we not commanded to "love one's fellow as oneself"? How can we do that if we don't love ourselves? |
I mean yes I like myself but I don’t think I’m more special or unique than the next person. We all have a neshama and we’re all human beings trying our best in the world. Why should I love myself more than anyone else?
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amother
Blush
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 8:36 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | I mean yes I like myself but I don’t think I’m more special or unique than the next person. We all have a neshama and we’re all human beings trying our best in the world. Why should I love myself more than anyone else? |
The mantra isn't "I am the best".
I want my child to be kind and brave. If she believes she is - she might just act that way.
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Happydance
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:04 pm
You've got it wrong.
Narcissists don't have self love and confidence etc. If they truly felt this way about themselves, they wouldn't manipulate and hurt others to make themselves feel great.
Society constantly tells us we aren't good enough, we need more, others have it better etc. We need positive self talk to counteract that. And the more we love ourselves and believe in ourselves the more we can love others and give to others.
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amother
Babyblue
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:11 pm
I think everyone agrees that self confidence is so so important to have. I do agree that the author is going about it the wrong way.
I remember learning in developmental psych that a parent shouldn't tell a child "you're so smart/pretty/good at this/good at that...", rather a parent should say "great job on this" or "wow you tried really hard and look what you accomplished". This is for many reasons, but one of the major reasons being: you dont want the kid to plateau or stop trying. If a kid hears "you're so smart", they can become so self conscious about smartness to the point of them stopping to try because they dont want to mess up and disappoint anyone or embarrass themselves.
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amother
Red
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:14 pm
I read this in the biography of R' Shlomo Freifeld zt"l (which, IMO, is one of the only Jewish biographies that's actually worth reading). He said that there were two different derachim- that of Novardok and that of Slabodka. In Novardok, their mantra was אנכי עפר ואפר. In Slabodka, their mantra was בשבילי נברא העולם (the loftiness and responsibility of each person).
R' Shlomo said, the דרך of Novardok doesn't work in America today, since no one in America thinks they're worth anything! In other words, it takes a very strong sense of אנכיות to be able to handle the אנכי עפר ואפר approach.
This positive psychology is an outgrowth of the fragile self-images that so many of us have. With the Photoshop perfection displayed before our eyes all the time -- models in size 0, glossy magazines advertising deluxe vacations, etc. -- it's no wonder that we feel we don't measure up.
I'm not saying that I agree with this at all.
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behappy2
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:14 pm
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There was a strong trend toward boosting self esteem bec studies found higher drug abuse rates in those with lower self esteem. However as self esteem has gone up so has narcissism and studies are now showing that self compassion has the same benefits as self esteem without the side effects. That said every so often I tell myself how loveable and beautiful etc I am bec we all have all positive qualities residing in our neshama. I don't think loving yourself is at all a bad thing.
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amother
Slategray
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:20 pm
Look I don't agree with mantra'ing your kids all day that they are beautiful and they can do anything but please do boost your kids confidence from time to time.
I only know one person who I'm literally watching her raise narcs and this isn't how she's doing it. The way she's doing it is by teaching them subconsciously that the world revolves around them and everything belongs to them.
Peace out
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Rubber Ducky
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:26 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | ...This new trend of "gender reveal" parties is just one example of how far we've gone in thinking we're so special. Why do people think that other than themselves, their spouse and maybe the grandparents, no one else cares that much about your baby's gender. But no...people are throwing actual parties for their friends and extended family members - come on over everyone, do we have a surprise for you, we are going to find out our future baby's gender...how fascinating this must be for all of you!
Really?
Am I the only one here? |
Side point: Parents announcing the baby's gender!? What troglodytes! The newborn should get to choose his/her/its/zir/their own gender!
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nechamashifra
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:45 pm
I agree that self esteem is very important. What I don't believe is that repeating mantras or overpraising is actually boosting anyone's self esteem. If anything I find it damaging. Unrealistic praise is not preparing them for the real world. They're either going to end up feeling entitled and expect an easy life or end up disappointed and feeling inadequate and empty when their ability doesn't match up to what they were always told.
Making a two year old repeat "I am strong"? She's two! It's delusional.
A child will naturally feel loved because she sees how happy you are when you pick her up at school, or because you listen when she's telling you about her day, or because you hug her a lot. Not because you make her repeat "I love myself".
She will feel kind when she goes out of her way for someone else. You can then say "that was so kind of you" or "you are so kind" and she will actually believe it. So much more than just having her repeat "I am kind".
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nechamashifra
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:47 pm
| Rubber Ducky wrote: | | Side point: Parents announcing the baby's gender!? What troglodytes! The newborn should get to choose his/her/its/zir/their own gender! |
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amother
Lilac
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 9:51 pm
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I’m confused because the narcissists I know were not raised with saying I’m great. They were raised in very abusive environments...
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eschaya
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 10:03 pm
OP, I'm with you 100%.
For sure, it is important to raise children with self esteem, but endless compliments - and especially those that are empty ("you are amazing") or patently untrue ("you are a genius") - actually do the opposite.
The key to raising children with self-esteem is to let them know that they are loved, and give them opportunities to stretch themselves, be responsible, and feel COMPETENT. Parents who overpraise actually prevent their children from reaching that competent level. If your kid gets a decent grade on his test and you respond with "wow, you are so smart!", all you've encouraged that kid to do is not ever study or push himself any harder. The appropriate type of praise would be, "wow, I saw you studying hard in your room last night, and look at how that effort payed off!". This kid is now going to be inclined to study even more the next time, and do even better, etc, and eventually get to the point where he feels proud of his own accomplishment. A child who works and achieves his goals (bear in mind - goals that HE determines, not those set by a parent) will have tremendous self-esteem.
A further downside of empty compliments is that many children can see straight through them, and it actually makes them feel worse. If I tell my shy kid, who had 3 mere lines in the school play, "wow, you were amazing, just like a real hollywood actress! You were the best actress up there!", all she will think is that you are lying, and she will have trouble believing other things you say about her. This in truth just lowers her self-confidence because she will always doubt praise.
Another downside of overcomplimenting a child is that now the child feels pressure to be (perfect, genius, gorgeous, tzaddik, artist), which is impossible. This kid might start to become paralyzed with worry/fear, especially if they think your love is conditional upon them being (perfect, genius, gorgeous, tzaddik, artist).
Healthy kids need to know that they are not perfect, that we love them regardless of their imperfections and weakness, and that they are capable of working and improving and achieving. This will create self-confident kids. Working hard towards a goal and finally achieving it (especially if the process was difficult and involved some failure). Learning a new skill. Doing something they enjoy. Knowing that they are loved for who they are, not for being perfect or great. Giving to others.
Also, I don't see why kids should think that they can do anything and everything. We all have limits, and it's ok to acknowledge that certain things are off the table... as long as we help our children find those other areas where they are particularly skilled and interested. My tone deaf son will never be able to sing. I don't need to tell him that his bar mitzvah leining was perfect or amazing. I will compliment him on the way he pronounces every word perfectly. I will tell him that I noticed how, during his speech, he spoke loudly and clearly and enunciated every word so that everyone in shul was able to follow. I will let him know how proud I am about the great effort he invested to be able to make a siyum on a huge mesechta of gemara. And he will take pride in these things because they are areas that he is invested in and spent time and effort.
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studying_torah
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Thu, Aug 01 2019, 10:11 pm
I think basing self esteem/self confidence on accomplishments is a slippery slope.
People can't always accomplish big things for a variety of reasons; but they still should feel worthwhile & valuable.
As far as gender reveals, I'm not sure what that has to do with self esteem at all.
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