Raising children to be narcissists?

ectomorph

Thu, Aug 01 2019, 10:42 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I was looking into a book that I've seen recommended on social media called "Girl, wash your face" which brought me to the author's Instagram page. She has 1.5 Million followers, she's a 2 x New York Times Bestseller and top motivational speaker. By the looks of her instagram pictures she speaks to packed audiences of thousands, .....and all she seems to be doing is telling everyone to "believe in yourself" and "love yourself" "you are enough" etc (no I didn't end up getting the book).

One of her videos is of her 2 year old repeating her daily mantra "I am smart. I am strong. I am brave. I can do anything. And I love myself". I mean yes, the kid is adorable but the whole idea just seems so wrong to me... and yet it seems so popular in today's culture.

What is happening to the world? Why is everyone so obsessed with giving praise to themselves, their kids, and everyone around them? Do they actually think that this is how to raise someone's confidence in themselves? I believe in giving praise where praise is due. When a child works really hard and accomplishes something, of course we should praise them but the accomplishment itself is what builds self-esteem more than any over-showering of undeserved compliments.

I seem to be the minority here. I don't tell my kids "you can do anything" because let's face it: they can't. No one can. if someone told me "you can do anything", I would think well no, I can't sing, I'll never be a scientist and I'll probably never win a figure skating award. What I do say is: "wow! you are so good at math" or "good job on your art project...it looks amazing!"

And this whole "love yourself" propaganda. What does it even mean? Who loves themselves?

This new trend of "gender reveal" parties is just one example of how far we've gone in thinking we're so special. Why do people think that other than themselves, their spouse and maybe the grandparents, no one else cares that much about your baby's gender. But no...people are throwing actual parties for their friends and extended family members - come on over everyone, do we have a surprise for you, we are going to find out our future baby's gender...how fascinating this must be for all of you!

Really?
Am I the only one here?

I love this post and 100% agree!

amother

Violet

Fri, Aug 02 2019, 4:02 am

My husband says that one of his biggest problems was believing he could do anything.. his mom had told him every single day that he could do anything he wanted.. and at some point he realized he actually had to work for things , actually had to study very hard to achieve something and for a long time thought there's something wrong with him. Because after all he should be able to do it simply because he wanted to.

I never tell my kids they can do or be whatever they want. It's simply not true.
If you want something and you work hard maybe you can do it. Even if I trained daily for years, I could never be part of the tour de France. I could never be president of the United States etc.

And I agree with you about gender reveals.. I can't stand them. Litterally noone cares besides the immediate family. And even for them a text or call would suffice.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Aug 02 2019, 4:22 am

Needing a mantra is a symptom of the fact that you are not getting the emotional support you need from your environment, and especially the people who you rely on for love and comfort.

I grew up never being good enough. I wasn't as good as my sister. I was only praised when I was dressed to the nines, but also only if my parent's approved of my clothes. Any grade below an A was not commented on at all, but an A was cause for celebration no matter how hard I tried in the subjects that were difficult for me. I ended up running away from home, getting into abusive relationships, and even doing drugs for a while. It took me YEARS of therapy to learn how to love and accept myself.

Loving yourself doesn't mean you look in the mirror and think "Wow, I'm such a knock-out!". Loving yourself means accepting what Hashem has given you, and taking responsibility to use those gifts to grow and to help others. If you are really smart, socially adept, or even pretty, there are lots of ways you can contribute to society. Love yourself for how you can serve G-d, and love that your body lets you do mitzvot.

As far as raising kids goes, DD was a gorgeous child (as most children are). I would't go on about it, but sometimes I would call her my cutie-pie. Interestingly, she didn't care what anyone thought about her looks. She still doesn't. She wants to be known for being brave, smart, funny, compassionate, and loyal - and she is all of those things in spades.

When she was struggling with certain subjects in school, I never told her she was smart right up front. I acknowledged that she was having a hard time, and that I could see how hard she was working and doing her best. I explained to her that different people have different types of brains, and not everyone learns in the exact same way. When she would bring home a really good grade on a difficult subject, I'd say "See? I knew you were smart! You just needed someone to teach you in the right way for your brain."

chanchy123

Fri, Aug 02 2019, 6:27 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Amazing post

amother

Ginger

Fri, Aug 02 2019, 11:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why would you feel unworthy and depressed if you think you're like everyone else? You're a human being, G-d's creation just like everyone else, that it in itself makes you worthy of love.

Hearing unrealistic or fake praise is not what's going to make you feel worthy. A real sense of self-worth comes from true accomplishments you feel you've made.

That's the problem with this generation! People are depressed, feel unworthy etc.

I stand in front of the mirror and say "I am worthy" "I am amazing" "I work hard" "I am safe" because I want to really believe these things.

Why is that narcissistic?
I have an anorexic friend who was told to look in the mirror every day and tell herself "I am beuatiful" "I am s-xy" "I am enough" etc. (By her therapist, yes she is in therapy and getting help)

Is that so self centered?

little neshamala

Fri, Aug 02 2019, 11:01 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

One of her videos is of her 2 year old repeating her daily mantra "I am smart. I am strong. I am brave. I can do anything. And I love myself". I mean yes, the kid is adorable but the whole idea just seems so wrong to me... and yet it seems so popular in today's culture.

............

And this whole "love yourself" propaganda. What does it even mean? Who loves themselves?

OP, I agree with the basic premise of your post, but I strongly disagree with parts of it.

I dont tell my kids they can do anything, or that they're the best at whatever they do. They know there are things they arent good at, and we acknowledge it. Dovid is super creative with lego and coming up with cool ideas, while kayla isnt really, but kayla is a really good artist, although she cant play an instrument well at all, and moshe has a real gift on with the ukelele but stinks at sports.

As far as the mantras-the only part I dont like is saying "I can do anything". I would change it to "theres a lot I can do. Hashem has given me unique strengths."
I love the "I am brave. I am strong" component. Kids need to feel that they have the courage to do the right thing, and that they haave inner strength.
I also like to include thinking of other people. "I think of others. I try to make people feel happy. I make a kiddush Hashem"

The biggest part that I respectfully disagree with you about is loving yourself. You ARE supposed to love yourself. Not just like. There are many shiurim that discuss this (stemming from veahavta lereacha komocha) and the importance of truly loving yourself. Yes, you are unique, and special, and when youve discovered what Hashem has gifted you with, you should love it. And therefor LOVE yourself. That doesnt mean that you become conceited. That means you become grateful to Hashem for gifting you with awesomeness, you keep yourself humbled, and you use your unique awesomeness to better the world and help others. To serve Hashem.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with encouraging young children to think this way of themselves. Its a beautiful thing to teach.

My kids know, from a very young age, how amazing they are, because Hashem gave them such special gifts-and the one thing they hear, over and over, is to be careful not to become gaavahdik, and to remember not to brag, to appreciate what Hashem gave them. BH I see them internalize this lesson very nicely.

amother

Blonde

Sat, Aug 03 2019, 11:55 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am going to address the bolded because I think you are wrong. Of course you can do anything but it doesnt mean that you are good at it or that you can make a career out of it. Even if you can't carry a tune and will never be Beyonce, you can still sing. You may never be president but you can still try to run for president. You may never make it to the NBA but that shouldnt stop you from playing basketball and you may not be picked for the Yankees team but that shouldnt stop you from playing baseball.
So yes, you can do anything and there is no reason not to try doing new things and having fun life experiences even if you will fail. Its more about knowing that you tried and learning how to deal with the failure that will help you succeed in life as you figure out what you are really good at and how to deal with disappointment. If you dont give your kids the confidence to try new things then you are placing them in a box and saying that they can only be good at xyz which creates low self esteem and leads to narcissism (especially since they never learn to deal with failure after trying something new).
Michael Jordan says it best, imagine if his mother would have told him that he cant be good at basketball, we wouldnt have the legend that we have today.

honeymoon

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 12:09 am

little neshamala wrote:

Love this post. And I agree with every word.

amother

Powderblue

Sun, Aug 04 2019, 12:20 am

little neshamala wrote:

Agree with this. Just incorporating Hashem into these affirmations helps the child remember his strengths while fostering humility.

“Thank you Hashem for making me smart/kind/beautiful” (instead of simply “I am”)

“With Hashem’s help I am doing well in school / can do well on my tests / am making good friends ” (instead of simply “I can”)