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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Just a vent
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 9:32 am
When my mother wants to visit us, she always forms it around a convenient time for an event. For example, there’s a friends wedding where I live, or she needs to go shopping at the stores which are by me. I live in a large community, she lives in a very small and one with not much going on.
I don’t mind that if she’s here, she can go to a store.
However, I work, I need my car, she’ll come to visit us to be able to shop- and then visiting us is the plus to her shopping trip- or event she’s attending.
We are her hotel stay it feels.
She makes this so obvious in how she invites herself, & how she phrases the question of if she can visit, but she has no clue how obvious she is. And how hurtful it is! To me my DH and I feel bad for my children...
I get so irritated by it. Everything revolves around her!
She never visits to spend time. I take off work to spend time with her- and she wants to shop.
She wants to take my car, and do what she wants to do.
This time I said no. I told her she can’t come and I made up some excuse- not telling her I feel this way. She’s so narcissistic I can’t tell her, she will guilt trip me and make herself the victim I’m this and I’m not interested in going there and being misunderstood..

I am proud of myself for saying no. Finally. For the first time.
But I hate that she is this way.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 9:39 am
Kudos for you for standing up for yourself! How did she take it?
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madys




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 9:55 am
Why can't she visit and rent a car while she stays with you. You can still go to work and spend time together in the evenings. Maybe she'll realize her timing isn't the best, but maybe she'll be open to making it work.

All of my family live OOT and I treasure the times they come to visit and stay with me and my family. I don't let it disrupt our lives and everyone has a good time in the end.
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:00 am
I’m so sorry OP. Sounds very painful.
I suspect that if my MIL lived elsewhere this would be her relationship with us too. Whenever she spends any time with us, she is totally not present. Phone calls, emails, catalog shopping, reading on kindle.... I don’t care and DH is used to this but I feel awful for my kids.
Good for you for protecting yourself from her!
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:03 am
OP, maybe you're not expressing yourself right, but I don't see anything majorly wrong with your mother's behavior. It's normal to schedule visits to a different city when you're anyways being there.
We live in a different city than my parents and they never come visit and I don't expect them to come visit just because. When they have a simcha in town, they stop by. We kids are supposed to make the trip to visit our parents, not the other way around. She's your mom, you should be her hotel!
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:17 am
It's so tricky when it's a parent. My mom will come to my house and spend time on the phone, shushing me and the kids so she can enjoy her phone call. G-d help me if I suggest she go into a private room, much less making her calls in her own house. (She lives locally.)
Sigh. It's such a complicated relationship.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:29 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
OP, maybe you're not expressing yourself right, but I don't see anything majorly wrong with your mother's behavior. It's normal to schedule visits to a different city when you're anyways being there.
We live in a different city than my parents and they never come visit and I don't expect them to come visit just because. When they have a simcha in town, they stop by. We kids are supposed to make the trip to visit our parents, not the other way around. She's your mom, you should be her hotel!


No thank you.
I don’t wish to be treated like that.
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amother
Maroon


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:31 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
OP, maybe you're not expressing yourself right, but I don't see anything majorly wrong with your mother's behavior. It's normal to schedule visits to a different city when you're anyways being there.
We live in a different city than my parents and they never come visit and I don't expect them to come visit just because. When they have a simcha in town, they stop by. We kids are supposed to make the trip to visit our parents, not the other way around. She's your mom, you should be her hotel!


I agree. My parents live 8 hours away. Whenever they have a wedding here they come and stay by us and we love that they have an excuse to come!
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:32 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
OP, maybe you're not expressing yourself right, but I don't see anything majorly wrong with your mother's behavior. It's normal to schedule visits to a different city when you're anyways being there.
We live in a different city than my parents and they never come visit and I don't expect them to come visit just because. When they have a simcha in town, they stop by. We kids are supposed to make the trip to visit our parents, not the other way around. She's your mom, you should be her hotel!


With all due respect, the OP wrote the word "vent." That means this is a challenging situation for her. Please don't make her feel worse. If you can't validate the pain and refrain from judging, don't comment on the thread.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:32 am
OP, How don't you wish to be treated? Please explain. You don't want to let your mother stay by you??? She's supposed to come visit you more often??
How often do you make the trip to visit her?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:32 am
madys wrote:
Why can't she visit and rent a car while she stays with you. You can still go to work and spend time together in the evenings. Maybe she'll realize her timing isn't the best, but maybe she'll be open to making it work.

All of my family live OOT and I treasure the times they come to visit and stay with me and my family. I don't let it disrupt our lives and everyone has a good time in the end.


It’s tricky because if I suggested something like that, it’s a personal thing and she gets majorly offended.
Took them a long time to be ok with ubering from the airport when I couldn’t get them.. I use to bend over backwards, take off work, shlep babies during rush hour to pick her/ them up.
Ugh.
Slowly I’m learning I never need to put my feelings in a place to me stomped all over. Slowly.
But this one has been bothering me more bc I want to learn how to allow her to visit, but I really want that quality time.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:34 am
I'm sorry OP, but we need to bend over backwards for our parents. Won't you want the same from your kids???
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:34 am
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
I agree. My parents live 8 hours away. Whenever they have a wedding here they come and stay by us and we love that they have an excuse to come!


Hmmm I guess you don’t mind. However I wrote this thread stating dafka I don’t like being the “excuse”. So your point isn’t so relevant to my problem.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:38 am
OP, so if they have a wedding in your town, you don't want them to come visit you??? Then you'll open a thread with a bitter vent that your parents had a wedding in town and didn't come visit.....
Parents are not supposed to make a special trip to visit their kids, kids are supposed to go visit their parents!
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:38 am
Everyone, saying how much you love when your parents visit is unhelpful and irrelevant to the OP. She dealing with HER mother, not YOUR mother. There is a dynamic in this relationship that is making her uncomfortable. Perhaps you have healthier dynamics with your parents.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:38 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
I'm sorry OP, but we need to bend over backwards for our parents. Won't you want the same from your kids???




Nobody in this world needs to put their own emotional needs at the bottom of a priority list.

I wouldn’t treat my children the way my mother has me. There is much more that’s wrong in our relationship and it is by definition a dysfunctional one. I am the emotionally healthy one, and I get drained from her need to be the center of attention constantly.
So her visits have become hard for me, especially when they aren’t to spend quality time with my children, DH, and I.
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:40 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
I'm sorry OP, but we need to bend over backwards for our parents. Won't you want the same from your kids???

Perhaps... but when parents are EXPECTING us to bend over backwards, and that bending is conflicting with our other responsibilities and obligations, something is wrong.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 10:43 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

Parents are not supposed to make a special trip to visit their kids, kids are supposed to go visit their parents!


Said who?
Where’s the literal source for this exact statement?
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 11:16 am
OP, the source is kibbid av v'eim, plain and simple. Maybe you're just not expressing yourself correctly or leaving out many details, but you do come acroos as a bit entitled. You're complaining about normal things kids should be doing for parents like opening up their home for them or picking them up from the airport. It's basic respect.
Amother powderblue, there's nothing wrong with parents expecting their kids to bend over backwards for them. We should want to do so without being asked.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Tue, Aug 06 2019, 11:20 am
OP I think I know how you feel. My mom is the same way. By her it definitely stems from narcissism like you mentioned. It's very hard and good for you for putting your foot down. With ppl like that it's never ending guilt tripping either way. I'm not in that place yet but I admire you.
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