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amother




Bisque


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 12:00 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Oh and ps Lawngreen, bullying people isn’t cute. It’s 2019.
Grow up, or grow old. Your choice.


wow. No one said anything in a bullying way. But your extreme reaction to things you perceive as severe criticism shows me an inkling of the type of personality you are. and Im talking about your reactions in a bunch of your posts not just this one.

One thing Im confused about is you dont want your mother visiting when she combines the trip with something else such as a wedding or shopping trip yet you DO want her to visit when the sole purpose of her visit is just to see you? In such a case you wouldnt mind taking off work, driving her around, and spending time together?
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amother




Aqua


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 1:03 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Nobody in this world needs to put their own emotional needs at the bottom of a priority list.

I wouldn’t treat my children the way my mother has me. There is much more that’s wrong in our relationship and it is by definition a dysfunctional one. I am the emotionally healthy one, and I get drained from her need to be the center of attention constantly.
So her visits have become hard for me, especially when they aren’t to spend quality time with my children, DH, and I.


You don't sound emotionally healthy. You sound narcissistic.

It's really OK for moms to visit with their kids when they go to a simcha in the same town. It's really ok to schedule the visit around the simcha. It is really ok for them to go shopping.
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amother




Aqua


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 1:09 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Oh and ps Lawngreen, bullying people isn’t cute. It’s 2019.
Grow up, or grow old. Your choice.


The pot calling the kettle black. Lawngreen did not speak to you in that tone. Or maybe it's the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 1:10 am
amother [ Aqua ] wrote:
You don't sound emotionally healthy. You sound narcissistic.

It's really OK for moms to visit with their kids when they go to a simcha in the same town. It's really ok to schedule the visit around the simcha. It is really ok for them to go shopping.


I think you just don't get it. OP's issue is a lot stronger than just "my mom comes over when it's convenient for her." It's, "my mom walks all over me in our relationship on a consistent basis, and this is one small manifestation of an overwhelming attitude. DH, I, and our kids are insignificant to her. We don't matter, and we never mattered. I've been suffering with it my whole life. I'm in a lot of pain right now, and I don't understand why so many posters here feel the need to dig the knife in deeper."

The OP's words come from someone who is trying to protect her emotions and preserve her sanity, since some part of her hopes that one time, her mother will actually care. She prays for the time that she could be okay with her mother coming to her house and going out shopping. She wishes she didn't care, that she was secure in her own relationship with her mother and her mother's love for her and her family. But that hasn't happened. It's a gaping wound.

OP, I hope I'm not putting too many words in your mouth. That's what I'm hearing from your posts.

ETA: I am glad that so many of you here have secure relationships with your mothers and don't understand what OP is going through. I pity you for your complete inability to find empathy in your heart for the pain of another. If you have nothing good to say, say nothing!
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amother




Indigo


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 2:19 am
I totally understand OP. On surface it just seems that she is being annoyed, for normal behavior, like being visited while in town but if you dig deeper she just feels used.

My mil once hopped along,to visit me, when my dh came to pick me up from hospital after a baby, which was a nice gesture, but then she expected my husband to drive her across the city to get to her other destinations, all while we want to see ourselves home already. Well my dh declined to drive her around town & she was pretty upset, that she had to figure out her own way to get there.

Its normal to have doubts after that. Did she really come because she loves me & wanted to see the the baby & myself or did she really come because she wanted a ride elsewhere?

Could be in her mind, she doesnt realize that it can be hurtful, after all, she came to visit, so to her it was maybe a way of multitasking- killing 2 birds in one shot, but nonetheless she was dissapointed, so it wasnt just that she tried her luck, it seemed like it was sort of an expectation of hers, that didn't get fulfilled.
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chmom




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 3:42 am
What is so hard to understand about wanting to matter enough to your mother to warrant a visit to see you and your family and not to just be the hotel/ concierge service? Why are you so hard on the OP?
She obviously is suffering because in her eyes her mother just uses her as a base/ place to stay in order to fulfill the seemingly more important task of shopping/ going to someone’s Simcha instead of feeling like her mother wants to see her and her family.
And on top of that her mother also seems to be quite demanding.
I absolutely understand where she is coming from. Hugs
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amother




Seashell


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 10:01 am
OP, that must be very hard.
It's something a lot of people take for granted - that their mother is overjoyed to see them and their children, and loves to spend time with them.
It's very hurtful if you feel you're just being used.
I know people are always recommending therapy, but in this case, I think a few sessions might help you with a) some good responses/countermoves and b) a way of coping, so these incidents don't get you enraged and depressed.
Also wondering if you could use her back.
Like when she asks to come say, great - I could really use a baby sitter for a couple of hours. Or how about you take my daughter shopping while you're here, or help me host a birthday party etc. Or if she's too busy, then ask her to bring something along with her that you need (preferably something expensive that she can pay for).
Not because you want to do tit for tat. Just so you'll feel a little empowered.
Also, it sounds like you've built a beautiful family for yourself, so good for you.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 10:13 am
Anyone that is extremely confused and feels OP is wrong here should read up on narcissism and codependency between parents and children. If you would understand the recovery process for someone to get out of codependency you will know that OP should be proud of herself for saying no. And she didn’t have to give excuses for explanation either.
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amother




Pumpkin


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 10:29 am
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
I’m not understanding why you don’t far’gin her, even if she is coming for some convenience or some need of hers. She’s your mother. I’m sure she does enjoy seeing all of you at the same time. So what’s wrong with her wanting to do what she wants to for herself too? I think this is probably not really what’s at the core of what bothers you about her. I think it’s much deeper stuff that way pre-dates her supposedly selfish reasons for coming.


How can you possibly be sure of that??? OP has said exactly the opposite!
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Laiya




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 10:44 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
OP, the source is kibbid av v'eim, plain and simple. Maybe you're just not expressing yourself correctly or leaving out many details, but you do come acroos as a bit entitled. You're complaining about normal things kids should be doing for parents like opening up their home for them or picking them up from the airport. It's basic respect.
Amother powderblue, there's nothing wrong with parents expecting their kids to bend over backwards for them. We should want to do so without being asked.


There are so many misconceptions about what kibud av v'aim entails. I think many of us learn stories in elementary school, assume that that's all there is to the mitzvah, and it doesn't even occur to us to ask specific questions or that our assumptions may be overly simplistic and wrong.
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amother




Taupe


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 11:31 am
Op, I'm not sure if you are still reading this, but I understand, and I validate and support you. I wish I knew you in real life so I could listen and offer friendship, validation, and support. A narcissist mother leaves a hole that is never filled. Chazak - be strong, Hashem loves you!
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amother




Slategray


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 12:42 pm
I am so sorry you are going through this. My parents are also narcissistic. Is there a support group on this site for children of narcissistic parents? I would love to join or get one started.
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amother




Mistyrose


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 12:50 pm
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
I am so sorry you are going through this. My parents are also narcissistic. Is there a support group on this site for children of narcissistic parents? I would love to join or get one started.


There's a forum for growing up with severe parental abuse.
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nanny24/7




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 07 2019, 1:35 pm
OP
I reported Lawgreen's post.
I hope you do read this even though you will not respond.
I relate to your situation a lot but don't either feel safe on this particular thread to detail my story due to the bullying on here.
I think you would feel right at home in the forum, " growing up with severe parental abuse."
And I can assure you you would receive only support and understanding if you were to post something like this there and none of this inexcusable ridiculous bullying.
So yes, I admit it with my screen name.
I belong to that forum.
As many others do. And we all understand.
If you don't want to join right now then in the meantime sending you hugs.
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