Y"T dilemma | Imamother

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Succos

Y"T dilemma

Previous 1 2 3 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Olive

Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's so hard, no? I end up giving in a lot because theyre so mean to me, and I'd rather avoid it!

It's very hard but being firm and polite helps me.
She still expects us to come to her smelly decrepit house (because she actually has a terrible odor + her crazy personality doesn't allow them to fix basic things in the house, so it really is falling apart) each yom tov. But now, afer years of trying to please somewhat, we decided to stay in our own happy home, where I can cook what I like, we can eat on disposables to have quicker meals, we can have pleasant family time, comfortable beds, etc.
If my mom was a happy normal reasonable person I'm sure we'd put up with the physical discomfort once in a while, but being that she makes miserable company we just don't make ourselves crazy anymore. They are invited to us/we can visit during chol
hamoed.

amother

Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:19 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Oh wow that's way harder than I have it!
You deserve a prize for being so strong!

amother

Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:20 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

Gotcha just saying that a walk outside isn’t high risk for measles transmission especially if you have a bug cover or a blanket draped.

Thats good to know. Thank you.

amother

Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:21 pm

yerushamama wrote:

Who has more space for you for sleeping over? If it is your in-laws, either walk to your parents for 1 or 2 meals, or stay mostly with your in-laws and only as needed with your parents. It is a much easier explanation than just "we are more comfortable there". B'shaa tova, and lots of hugs!

Same with the sleeping. It happens to be more private at my in laws' because there are fewer little kids running around.

amother

Fuchsia

Wed, Aug 07 2019, 6:25 pm

She's your mother. She's far from perfect, but it sounds like she loves you and wants you there. Six weeks after birth is different from right after the birth. Could you handle staying by your parents for the first days, and your in-laws the rest of the time? Right now you may be feeling exhausted and emotional due to late pregnancy and the whole idea may seem overwhelming, but what if you stock up on comfort foods and magazines and plan to spend most of the time in bed? Would it be doable?

The older I get, the more sympathy I have for difficult mothers and MILs. Maybe I'll be one myself some day, and not realize that my children don't want to go to me, ch"v. It's hard raising kids. I think most people are trying their best, even when they aren't the greatest parents. I'm trying to treat the difficult people in my life gently, with love (and love includes setting boundaries, but it means respecting people and seeing beyond the surface too).

amother

Wed, Aug 07 2019, 7:19 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

She has an actual personality disorder, and our relationship is not healthy at all.
She's not just difficult. She's mean and manipulative. Nothing to do with me being pregnant. It's how she always was and how she always will be.
Can't split the days because my husband is only taking off for first days.

lcraighten

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 8:05 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I wish. This happens all the time. She doesnt hear "no". It's always a fight, and she's really really mean about it. She's never backed off. She just brings things up from the past.
Also, our relationship is pretty warped. She makes me feel so guilty that I end up giving in.

Blame the baby, I don't mean in a bad way. Explain to her that you are not up for the usual this year due to the fact that you have a tiny baby. You will need privacy (your inlaws) and as few little children running around as possible. If you want then you can walk over for a meal (your baby will be fine on the walk).

I understand wanting to avoid the confrontation, but it sounds like you will be much happier (and your husband and by extension your child bsha'ah tova!) by your inlaws. Be firm, but reassure you that you love her and are looking forward to seeing her. She'll still probably be a mad, but hopefully not as mad as she would be otherwise.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 8:11 am

Stay at your in-laws and eat some meals at your parents. It's good for you and for the baby to get out and walk around at the six-week mark.

DVOM

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 8:25 am

Lets play this out. I'll be you, you be your mom.

You: "Hi mom! I've been giving succos a lot of thought since you've been mentioning it in our recent conversations. I discussed it with DH, and because his parents' house is quieter we are going to stay there this year. I need a quieter atmosphere to recuperate with the baby. We'd love to come to you for a meal though. I know you like to plan in advance. What meal would work for you?"

Mom: Take it away, OP!

amother

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 9:37 am

DVOM wrote:

Mom: how can their house be quieter? Isn't [sibling] also going to be there? And even if you come to us for all the meals, it's not the same if you dont sleep by me. Yknow, it makes me feel bad every time you do this. It keeps me up at night. Remember when [insert identical situation]? I couldn't sleep for a week you ruined my entire y"t. I cant forgive you for that. And you think this is only coming from ME? Daddy feels the same way, too! You haven't seen your siblings for so long! [Husband]'s siblings are older, so they can come drive to you/visit. Your siblings are young and in school so they never get to see you. And theyll never get to see the baby. First you dont want to come for the bris, and now you dont want to spend time with them over y"t?

On and on and on....I can keep goin, btw.

amother

Lime

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 9:49 am

dear Op -- I so feel for you.

I say this as a mother and MIL: you postpartum and pregnant now and your baby to come and your family take #1 priority right now.
This is the time to prioritize yourself and your well being which also will help your baby.
I think you got good advice here about saying what you need at this time. Please practice it in advance and be prepared to just keep repeating it no matter what anyone says even if it sounds weird or by rote yes just rinse and repeat. And be prepared to end the conversation with a ready reason of something you need to do you can even call at a time when you do not have unlimited time.
you can preface it by saying as warmly as possible that you hope and trust everyone understands though this will probably not change the outcome it can help you feel better and it is the truth. Give the objective reason (more quiet etc) and do not enter into any further discussion on it as to how, why, etc. -- stay focused on your goal and decision and refuse to get sidetracked.
If you need help to stand your ground and set healthy boundaries, which makes sense, you can get therapy to help you do so if necessary.
The more you do this the easier it will get.
The dance of these dynamics will and can change over time. The more you are able to show this behavior does not get her what she wants the more it will stop over time. L'havdil it can almost be like with a child. sometimes it helps to think of it like that, in a respectful way. You are working to change an old habit (of these dynamics) into a new and healthier one -- you can only do your part.

I also feel for your mother and am all for compromise but you -- especially postpartum! and now! -- have to really make a firm decision to do what is best for you, your baby, and family. it can be most challenging -- I am so happy you are so close to DH's family. (to some of her objections if you want you can say "yes you are right, or that is not my intention without debating, sometimes when first changing the dynamics it helps to just be as simple about it and short about it as possible and later you can add more into the convo, later meaning after succos and you can say now "we've already discussed this me and DH have made a decision" and "we hope you understand" and change the subject. (for example, "yes we do want to spend time with them Y"T yes lets make a time for them to see the baby" "I hope you can hear this in the way its intended...etc. you can even agree that yes its not the same as staying there but has to be this way for now so lets figure out how we can see everyone spend time together while realizing you are still postpartum do not commit to too much- you can tell the truth that you do not know how you and baby will be doing PP and need to stay flexible) you can role play it out first even -- may need to do this and it can help when first starting out to make this type of change in the dynamics. for example, about the bris you can say "we so appreciate your offer! I hope you can understand that me and baby are just not up to it at that time. Thats not going to work for my family at this time. Thank you so much though. Me and DH really appreciate your thoughtfulness."

hugs and hatzlocha
B'shaah Tovah

yerushamama

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 11:20 am

Can your DH be the "bad guy" and tell your mother that this is how it needs to be? She would probably argue less with him, and even if she tries to guilt you about it next time you speak, you can just repeat that that is what the two of you decided. You could also point out that sleeping there is not an option, but if they can't accept having you over just for meals, you will have to see them a different time.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 12:55 pm

yerushamama wrote:

NO NO! Sorry to be so emphatic, but don't drag your husband into it if you can keep him out! Your mother sounds like she has issues, don't give her your husband to blame. She sounds like she will just start bashing her son-in-law and become resentful of him.

I have a similar situation and the way that I was able to solve it was being firm. It was really really hard in the beginning. But your mother sounds like a bit of a bully, you need to show her that it won't work. You need to keep your calm voice and say things like, "I understand and it hurts me that you can't think of my well being. We would love to spend time with you, but this is my choice."

You are doing nothing wrong, don't let your mother's words make you feel like you are!

amother

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 1:05 pm

yerushamama wrote:

My mother bashes my husband all day every day.
There's a reason we moved out of town!!!
But I can try all that without bringing my husband into it

amother

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 1:09 pm

Thanks for all the help and advice!
I'm gonna start rehearsing my script and hope for the best.

Sebastian

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 1:17 pm

OP you aren't talking about a normal person. I would avoid phone calls as much as possible. Tell her you decided to go to your ils and you'll come visit in the afternoon. If she protests, excuse yourself and hang up. If you feel you need a break from her, take one. Don't answer her phone calls. You are not obligated to try and please her. It won't work anyway.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 1:29 pm

All I can think of is your poor little siblings. They're still in school? Meaning they have to deal with the unhealthy mom all the time ? How do they manage? Sorry not really on topic I know.

amother

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 1:29 pm

Sebastian wrote:

You sound just like my husband! Laugh

amother

Olive

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 4:13 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

All I can think of is your poor little siblings. They're still in school? Meaning they have to deal with the unhealthy mom all the time ? How do they manage? Sorry not really on topic I know.

I'm not the op but similar situation and everyone, dad and siblings, goes through a super rough time.

amother

Olive

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 4:32 pm

Also, op, I don't mean to be hurtful but it sounds like you haven't given up hoping she will suddenly respond in a normal fashion. If you relinquish that hope, you will be doing yourself a favor, protecting yourself from hurt.
By me being firm but polite, eventually my mother got the hint and we now have a distant but mostly cordial relationship but at least there is a relationship.

Page 2 of 3

Previous 1 2 3 Next