Y"T dilemma | Imamother

amother

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 5:48 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

All I can think of is your poor little siblings. They're still in school? Meaning they have to deal with the unhealthy mom all the time ? How do they manage? Sorry not really on topic I know.

That's actually a very good question! When I was growing up with it, and I didn't have anything to compare it to, it's just normal. I didn't realize how bad it was. Once I got engaged, and everything became so territorial (there were major issues that came up, and I thought my husband would for sure break it off), that's when I started realizing how dysfunctional the situation really is. And it got worse after I got married.
My brother is actually in school to become a social worker because of the whole thing. I majored in psychology for the same reason, and I hope to become either a social worker or psychologist.

amother

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 5:53 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Also, op, I don't mean to be hurtful but it sounds like you haven't given up hoping she will suddenly respond in a normal fashion. If you relinquish that hope, you will be doing yourself a favor, protecting yourself from hurt.
By me being firm but polite, eventually my mother got the hint and we now have a distant but mostly cordial relationship but at least there is a relationship.

No, that's not hurtful. It actually made me feel good Smile

thank you

DVOM

Thu, Aug 08 2019, 10:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Mom: how can their house be quieter? Isn't [sibling] also going to be there? And even if you come to us for all the meals, it's not the same if you dont sleep by me. Yknow, it makes me feel bad every time you do this. It keeps me up at night. Remember when [insert identical situation]? I couldn't sleep for a week you ruined my entire y"t. I cant forgive you for that. And you think this is only coming from ME? Daddy feels the same way, too! You haven't seen your siblings for so long! [Husband]'s siblings are older, so they can come drive to you/visit. Your siblings are young and in school so they never get to see you. And theyll never get to see the baby. First you dont want to come for the bris, and now you dont want to spend time with them over y"t?

On and on and on....I can keep goin, btw.

Ouch ouch ouch! Op, this must be so difficult for you. I'd keep my tone of voice light and bright, my message short, simple, and repetitive. Do not engage in explanation, discussion, compromise.

You: Yes, I know our choices about the bris and succos are difficult for you to understand. But we have decided that we're going to be by DH's parents for succos. We would love to go to you for a meal though. It will be so nice to see my siblings then! Which one would work for you?

familyfirst

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 1:32 am

Totally off topic here but if your mom is so coo coo please please please find opportunities to invite your younger siblings to your house when possible. Firstly, as a respite and secondly so they get to see first hand how normal people behave and what healthy relationships look like

amother

Olive

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 7:28 am

familyfirst wrote:

No op, other daughter-of-crazy-mom here. Guess what? She doesn't let them come to us! She's very controlling that way.

amother

Sapphire

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 1:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Wow! It's like you are talking about my life!! When we got engaged my mother tried to get me to break it off and then after we were married she decided that my husband was emotionally abusive and after her money.

He is the best most amazing husband and there was no money that he could even get :/.

My husband has been amazingly supportive and has helped me get to a good place with my mother. Mainly by standing my ground in a polite way. When I was growing up we were super close and had a great relationship, I think someone else becoming my primary focus was what set her off. There is still a lot of work to be done to make our relationship healthy and happy, but BH I think we're doing ok now.

Hugs OP and good luck!!

amother

Fri, Aug 09 2019, 6:09 pm

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

It was sooooo nervewracking! She would threaten "I promise I'm gonna tell [chosson] that you're really not all that nice and sweet that he thinks you are! How can you say/do that?!?!" over like the stupidest things. (She never actually did tell him anything, and I never thought she would. But it's an awful thing to hear from your mother.)

My husband is so great! He's trying, and we're getting through this together (eventually!)

Thank you!