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Hosting divorced women for shabbos meals
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 1:57 pm
Would you invite a divorced woman over for a shabbos meal?
Full disclaimer: I’m divorced. And I’ve heard from a few married people they are uncomfortable with it because of their husbands. This is really surprising for me to hear because I’m very introverted and wouldn’t dream of flirting with someone else’s husband. I also have my kids with me all the time so wouldn’t that make a difference in the comfort level at the table?

I tend to think that a woman who flirts with a married guy does it because she has boundary issues and it has little to do if she’s married, divorced or never married. It’s more her personality and how respectful she is of someone’s marriage.

What do you think? would you invite divorced women? I think divorced men get invited more because they’re in shul and seen more. But divorced women can easily be forgotten about.
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 1:59 pm
Yes. I invite based on the individual. If someone is a flirt, I'm not comfortable with such a person regardless of marital status.
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amother
Olive


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:03 pm
What a totally depressing thought. I am about to be divorced and really hope that people don't think I want their husbands. Excluding family invites, at meals, I talk about 95% of the time to the wife, and about 5% to the husband. I mean, 0% in my circles would be considered beyond rude.
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iammom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:06 pm
Of course I would! Unless the woman is a flirt or otherwise inappropriate (but that would apply to a married woman or a young single girl as well)
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Reality




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:09 pm
I have a friend who is divorced who has come to me numerous times for meals. It wouldn't dawn on me not to invite her and usually she really needs those invites.

I'm not good about inviting strangers at shul so I never have those guests regardless of marital status!
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:12 pm
I'm MO and I talk to men/my DH speaks to women, and it is not weird, flirty, or zxual at all. We are all just people.
I try to include a divorced person or 2 at the meal I make, as I feel the invites are appreciated, but if you have too many to one meal, it's weird. I also try but don't always have either one gender or the other-sometimes I have both, but 2/3 times the woman asked me if I was trying to set her up and is interested and he is so burned and not ever getting married again. The he is my husband's best friend, who is divorced and we often have him, so it is limiting on home often I invite each of the women (who are MY friend and I enjoy spending time with and there are quite a few) in the neighborhood. I would love to have them more often, but I can't get my act together to have more company.

(I apologize for how disjointed the writing is -I kept going back to add info and I'm working on 2.5 hours sleep and the brain is just not working but you get the idea).
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amother
Peach


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:13 pm
We used to have divorced singles at meals regularly. We had to stop after having bad experience with some of them. My kids are getting older and we need to be careful who we let into our house.
I do send them food for shabbos, the occasional dinner, and try to help them in other ways.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:15 pm
I don't think it has anything to do with flirting. Usually, when you invite a couple, the wives spend a bunch of time talkng to each other and the husbands talk to each other. Having someone single or divorced leaves the balance off, which is hard for some people. This is especially so if the husband feels uncomfortable talking to the woman who is the guest without having a corresponding male, or if he's just not up on what the women are talking about, and is therefore left out of the adult conversation and feels like the odd one out at his own Shabbos table. In terms of the kids, if there are older bochrim that can definitely help.

I'm not saying not to invite- just explaining the dynamics.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:17 pm
Im yeshivish. Wouldnt even occur to me not to
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Jewishfoodie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:20 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
What a totally depressing thought. I am about to be divorced and really hope that people don't think I want their husbands. Excluding family invites, at meals, I talk about 95% of the time to the wife, and about 5% to the husband. I mean, 0% in my circles would be considered beyond rude.


I'm sorry for what you're going through. May HaShem give you the koach to get through it.

By and large, the invitations people get are done completely with their whole heart. OP represents herself. Anyone who invites you, wants you there. Divorce is really hard and this is adding insult to injury. Nobody thinks you're stealing anyone's husband. My philosophy has always been, if a guest talking to a host can so easily turn his head and attract him, this man is not worth the chair he is sitting on and should himself be divorced.

Who would want to be married to a man like that.
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Jewishfoodie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:24 pm
Double post. My bad
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:26 pm
OP... just from reading WAAAAAY too many threads of this nature I can tell you that it has zero to do with you and everything to do with the hostess.

Many are MAJORLY INSECURE
Anyone and anything, the divorced guest, the single high school girl, the babysitter, the cashier, the neighbor, the neighbor's cat is a threat...
Everyone is after her suave, debonair, sxy husband....
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Jewishfoodie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:30 pm
naturalmom5 wrote:
OP... just from reading WAAAAAY too many threads of this nature I can tell you that it has zero to do with you and everything to do with the hostess.

Many are MAJORLY INSECURE
Anyone and anything, the divorced guest, the single high school girl, the babysitter, the cashier, the neighbor, the neighbor's cat is a threat...
Everyone is after her suave, debonair, sxy husband....
Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter
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Optione




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:30 pm
Yes. And I have numerous times.
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amother
Jade


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:35 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
I don't think it has anything to do with flirting. Usually, when you invite a couple, the wives spend a bunch of time talkng to each other and the husbands talk to each other. Having someone single or divorced leaves the balance off, which is hard for some people. This is especially so if the husband feels uncomfortable talking to the woman who is the guest without having a corresponding male, or if he's just not up on what the women are talking about, and is therefore left out of the adult conversation and feels like the odd one out at his own Shabbos table. In terms of the kids, if there are older bochrim that can definitely help.

I'm not saying not to invite- just explaining the dynamics.

I agree with the above. A very dear friend of mine was divorced for a few years. I always wanted to invite her but dh never enjoyed the meals as much. Nothing to do with her. She is the nicest person. It was just that the table dynamics were different, plus he has a really stressful job and felt that he couldn't chill in quite the same way on Shabbos with her at the table. It's a stretch for him in general whenever we have guests bc he feels pressured to be a good host and just wants to relax, but with her, it was even more so. It was actually very stressful for me bc I wanted to support her and keep inviting but realized I had to be considerate of dh's needs too.
I eventually learned to support her in different ways. Dh was more than happy to shlep stuff for her, help with her car when needed, and I hung out with her whenever I could on my own time. We helped in many many different ways that I'd rather not list, but Shabbos invites were kept to a minimum. So op, pls know that it's not necessarily abt u and there's sometimes more to the story.
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:42 pm
I used to invite divorced women often. Then my husband had an affair with one of them.

I’m not saying that because this happened to me nobody should ever invite divorced women over.

Planes crash sometimes but I still fly and feel reasonably safe.

Just pay attention. Know where the air masks and exit doors are, so to speak.

It really can happen to anyone. Doesn’t mean an entire group of people should be ostracized.
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life is fun




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:43 pm
little neshamala wrote:
Im yeshivish. Wouldnt even occur to me not to


I wouldn't be surprised if yeshivish people wouldn't feel comfortable with a woman only (without a dh) at the shabbos table.

I personally havent felt that im not invited by others bec of my status. But I do understand when husbands wouldn't feel comfortable to eat at my shabbos table bec there's no dh around.

I do sometimes invite other divorcees for shabbos meals when it works out. We are all in the same boat and can feel comfortable with each other....

Op you are invited
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:51 pm
I feel fully comfortable inviting divorcees. My DH is the one that isn’t. He worked with some divorced women who have started asking for his assistance with things and he ended up being more emotionally involved than he felt comfortable. I never said anything. But I know he himself feels he needs to keep a certain boundary to avoid this happening again. We do have divorced family over all the time and with that he has no issues. So as much as we want to invite my divorced neighbors and friends I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and need to go along with DH on this.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:56 pm
amother [ Peach ] wrote:
We used to have divorced singles at meals regularly. We had to stop after having bad experience with some of them. My kids are getting older and we need to be careful who we let into our house.
I do send them food for shabbos, the occasional dinner, and try to help them in other ways.


What happened?
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Fri, Aug 09 2019, 2:58 pm
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
What happened?


Nothing needs to have happened. But sometimes kids dont feel comfortable and they need to be taken into consideration.
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