S/O Inappropriate Language At Work

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 6:35 am

Please do not reply if you don't have any qualms about speaking or hearing inappropriate language.

I have coworkers who speak inappropriately at work and I really really don't want to hear it. I have a great relationship with them but it is still beyond awkward to say anything. I do say things to hint that I don't like it in a good-natured way, and they have noticed that I dont talk like them and one even said they admire it. Because of the setup of our workspace it is not possible to walk away or even gracefully end a conversation when this happens. I am interested in any advice or stories of how others have dealt with this.

Thank you in advance

FranticFrummie

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 6:42 am

Sadly, I don't think there's much you can do, besides setting a good example. You have to be very careful in the workplace, especially if your job requires teamwork. You need to stay approachable, and not alienate anyone.

I once gently told a coworker that I didn't appreciate a racist joke (it was really gross and over the top.) Everyone else in the office thought it was hysterical (all white office.) From that day on I was completely ostracized and isolated. Eventually the stress got so bad I had to quit.

Try working on putting a "mental filter" on your ears if you can't escape it. Daven that Hashem should help you only hear good things. It actually works!

33055

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 6:59 am

Is it just nasty language or is it creating a hostile work environment? Go to human resources if it is.

You may be able to tone it down, but you won't make yourself popular. You need to weight the benefits against the potential hostility.

I am of an age now that if I don't like something, I get an apology. I had gangsta types apologizing to me for using nasty language on the elevator. I felt like saying they should now pull up their pants.

amother

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 7:04 am

Squishy wrote:

Not hostile toward me specifically if that is what you mean.

33055

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 8:02 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not hostile toward me specifically if that is what you mean.

It doesn't have to be hostile to you specifically. I went on the floor of the NY stock exchange. The traders had [filth] pictures up. Now since I had never been there before, it was not aimed specifically at me. But it was very hostile to women in general.

If they guys are talking derogatory about women, that's hostile. If they are saying something like dammit or oh Jezus. Then that might be very hostile to you as a religious woman.

My secretaries used to talk about their relations with their husbands. They were talking about how nice they were before they got l@id as they did their work. This bothered me, but I choose to ignore it. As their boss, I could have stopped it. Instead, I choose to keep the atmosphere of corporation and their feelings we were a team. They would stay until their tasks were finished. I couldn't enforce this and was not willing to risk the office atmosphere.

You have to weigh the benefits and the minuses.

SacN

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 8:07 am

I struggle with this at work. Language is definitely a problem, and I have said, good naturedly, hey, watch your language. But there's only so much you can do.

Frankly, it's good that it bothers you.

I sometimes bring my 8 year old to work with me during school breaks, and lately I think twice about it. The language is so inappropriate (for anyone, but especially) for a young child.

The fact that people will curse openly in front of kids shows me how completely clueless they are to bad language, and therefore how useless it is to really address it. They don't care and they don't notice.

I do tell people off for being racist or really disgustingly graphic though, and I know I'm not the only one. I also refuse to be called "girls" at work.

little neshamala

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 8:40 am

OP are you talking about things like the F word?
When I started my job I could not beliiiiiiieve how often it was used. It slapped me in the face every time. I slowly realized that they dont even use it as an "exclamation" kind of word. Its literally used as an every day kind of word, like "how the f--k did this envelope get on my desk, im sure I just gave it to jane", "great guys its lunch time, lets get the f--k outta here before we go nuts".

So as much as I dislike hearing it, it isnt fair of me to ask them to stop speaking the way they do. To them, its not considered such a bad word anymore, and im the lone man out. It would be rude for me to ask them to stop. The most I can do is keep my own language clean, and remind myself not to get used to it.

Not sure if this is the kind of thing you meant OP. If its something worse, like talking in p-rnofraphic terms about people or something like that then disregard what I wrote.

Sake

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 8:46 am

I’m going to reply even though I personally have no qualms about “bad words” ... the reason I think my insight could be of value to you, is because I am/was one of the offenders. I manage a large group of mostly men and was rather immune to the culture of swearing and even engaged in it from time to time. Two things happened this summer that caused me to be more cognizant and respectful in the way I spoke. First, one of my staff a religious man but not a Jew, calmly and politely pulled me aside and told me that he was offended by the language used and asked me very respectfully how he could help me to change the culture of the team and raise the level of our language. I took that very seriously and worked on both myself and the team. However I found that the change only occurred when he was present. The second event a little while later, I overheard one of the men on my team saying that he made a very strong point to never swear around ladies or babies. Him saying that out loud to the group really caused me to rethink how I behave no matter what company I’m in. My advice, as someone on the other end of the spectrum from you, is to speak up. People may not know how they are coming across or that they are offending people unless you tell them. More often the not, people swear to fit in, not swear to offend.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 9:02 am

little neshamala wrote:

Its literally used as an every day kind of word, like "how the f--k did this envelope get on my desk, im sure I just gave it to jane"

It's interesting how language evolves. I just finished reading "Little Farm in the Ozarks", a sequel to the "Little House" series.

"Darn it, Laura!"

"Almonzo, watch your language! I'll not have swearing in this house." Mad

little neshamala

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 9:12 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Yes, exactly.

It also reminds me of books where they'll admonish the woman for "showing too much ankle". Culturally, it used to be immodest for them to show ankles. Then, it was fine-but wearing silk stockings and exposing your calf was scandalous. Etc etc. These things evolve.

imasinger

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 9:22 am

I was thinking along the same lines.

It's interesting.

How in this day and age, calling a working woman a "girl", or using terms considered racist, homophobic, or otherwise discriminatory is worthy of comment, but the F bomb is "just the way some people talk".

Frankly, I'm in favor of reacting to both, but it's hard to get upset with every other sentence uttered in your hearing. Therefore, people pick their battles. And which battles we pick says something about us as a society.

Last edited by imasinger on Sun, Aug 18 2019, 9:22 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 9:22 am

Yes you may ask. You have the right to ask. You won’t know what the reaction will be until you ask.
I was once sitting on a bus and 2 very young men were right behind me. Their conversation was loud and full of f- bombs and other words. I turned around and asked them if they mind doing a favor. They said sure no problem what do you need. I said could you please tone down your language. They immediately apologized, lowered their voices and stopped cursing. Now it could’ve gone the other way with them purposely adding more curse words but I did my part.

amother

Pink

Sun, Aug 18 2019, 2:41 pm

I've worked in three different places now, and in all of them, cursing and other inappropriate language seemed to be par for the course from everyone there. It drives me crazy. They don't notice that I never use such language and don't know that it offends me. I don't feel comfortable saying anything.

I hate it because I feel like it erodes my sensitivity.

amother

Azure

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 12:16 pm

Most people realize that I don't curse and I think they try not to curse in front of me as much. Once in a while someone will say something and I will make a slight face, because I am not brave enough to say something and I hope they get the message. My newer boss on the other hand is female and curses tons. It drives me crazy and I think it sets the tone for the office. Nothing I can do about her. So I think it depends what role you play in the office. I would not say anything if you think you have no influence. I would consider doing or saying something if you really think things would change.