Going through shidduchim homeschooled

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 8:28 am

Has anyone gone through shidduchim/ married kids off that were homeschooled in the mainstream orthodox world? I'm wondering how people perceived it and what issues you faced.
Please no negativity about homeschooling, I might be forced to homeschool and I want to prepare for everything.

1ofbillions

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 8:35 am

It would definitely cause issues if you’re looking for your children to marry a typical in towner.

Anything out of the ordinary is a red flag to typical in towners. Certainly something this impactful would cause a great many people to reject your children out of hand immediately upon seeing their resumes.

However, there are frum people who homeschool. Significantly more out of towners do than in towners. So they would be open to dating and marrying your children. But they’d be very different from your typical in towner.

Can you move to a different place, where you won’t be forced to homeschool? What is causing you to feel forced to homeschool?

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 8:36 am

I wouldn't go so far as to call it a red flag. I would just say that it is very different than my family. I don't think we would jump to consider someone homeschooled for my children, because of compatibility issues.

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 8:39 am

I don't think marrying an out of towner is an issue. We are working on potentially moving.

ectomorph

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 8:47 am

It's different and frankly your child will not have the same experiences as most other people. I would be wary because I would be nervous that may be the parents are difficult people, maybe the kid has issues that I don't know about and are impossible to research because the child won't have the normal Social Circles to tap into.

Just for elementary school wouldn't be an issue at all for me but if someone was homeschooled for high school I would definitely consider it a red flags. But every child is different than perhaps if my child also had some red flags I would consider it for that child.

I'm out of town yeshivish if that helps.

amother

Green

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 8:53 am

As a mother, vetting shiduchim I would be wary. I am considered open minded by most of those around me and have done shiduchim "out of the box" and have made educational decisions for my children that were not typical, however as a Mother receiving a bunch of resumes, a home schooled child would not make it to the top of the pile. Not bashing homeschooling just being brutally honest.

amother

Jade

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 8:54 am

First issue that may come to mind deals with being socially awkward, but even those that chose mainstream education can be as well.
Otherwise I would consider.
The only other issue my ds or dd May have is the education of their future children.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 9:15 am

I homeschooled one child right through elementary. However, from 14 he was in yeshiva katana & then Yeshiva gedola etc.
Didn’t cause any issues. No one cared. Married the second girl he dated.
No one calls the magid shiur of a yeshiva ketana much less elementary .
If the boy or girl in question went to seminary, Yeshiva etc I wouldn’t care one bit.
The only thing I’d make sure of is that the family vax. But hey I do that already!

Ruchel

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 9:17 am

Who are those brainless boring cookie cutters? Rejecting for homeschooling? Their life must be dead boring.

essie14

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 9:26 am

Don't go through shidduchim. Let your kids join NCSY or other co-ed groups. Do they plan on going to college? Lots of opportunity to meet Jewish students through Hillel and campus Kosher dining.

amother

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 9:28 am

essie14 wrote:

Don't go through shidduchim. Let your kids join NCSY or other co-ed groups. Do they plan on going to college? Lots of opportunity to meet Jewish students through Hillel and campus Kosher dining.

Things can change but right now that is not the direction they are headed in, I doubt they will be in such environments or comfortable with that.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 9:30 am

While I was dating my husband, a boy who was homeschooled gave me a yes. While I didn't consider it because I was already interested in my husband at that point, I don't think the homeschooling set off too many alarm bells.

I would have wanted to know the reasoning behind it, but I don't think it's overly concerning.

Then again, I am not your typical in-towner and I didn't do many things the "done" way while in shidduchim.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:33 am

It would depend on the reasons why. I'm homeschooling one of my children for English right now, but he's in a regular school in the morning for Kodesh. I know other people who've done the same. Those people haven't had problems marrying off their kids because they were part of a regular class and English is a relatively small part of their day. If someone was completely homeschooled that's a different story and people would do a lot of investigating to find out if your kid's "normal," meaning do they have the same hashkafos, cultural background, and learning abilities as other kids.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:39 am

I think if there were strong obvious reasons as to why the child was homeschooled, then I don't see it being such an issue. I mean if you're living in the center of lakewood and you're homeschooling, I would be concerned why. If you're living somewhere there's no schools-shlichus etc I would be more understanding, until they are older-elementary school is very different to a 16yo. I would worry about the social aspects of homeschooling.
But if this is something you need to do, for whatever reason, and your LOR etc approve, you should do it, and at the end of the day, it's out of our hands for shidduchim. There's Someone managing it all anyway.

amother

Blush

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:43 am

It will make issues, it will also be an issue that you’re antivax. So you already belong to a different kind of crowd.

dankbar

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:45 am

It seems like anti-vax is the reason, if you are forced to homeschool.

Hey! my community is starting an anti-vax school under name of homeschooling

little neshamala

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 10:57 am

OP, im an in-towner. I wouldnt look down on the shidduch only because they were homsechooled. I definitely would look deeper, and make certain that the family is normal, that the reason for homeschooling was valid, that they still had a social life and they are socially "normal" etc etc etc.
But honestly I firmly believe you need to do all this even with shidduch suggestions that appear mainstream.

So it wouldnt make much difference to me.

Rappel

Mon, Aug 19 2019, 11:21 am

Ruchel wrote:

Who are those brainless boring cookie cutters? Rejecting for homeschooling? Their life must be dead boring.

Thank you. Exactly.