Going through shidduchim homeschooled

Log in / Sign Up

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following My Posts Bookmarks

Private Messages Advanced Search Rules New User Guide FAQ Advertise Contact Us

Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling -> Homeschooling

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Next

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:21 pm

nchr wrote:

Why should my children suffer because I was born with an urge to have a career frowned upon by my community? There was a thread the other day about a child not being accepted into school because his mother wore black tights - why should that kid need to suffer? His family is part of a community that clearly has an issue with that, and the mother should conform. If her urge to wear black tights is so great then let her wear them in secret, without her child knowing. Let her store them in an office, or storage facility, not her house.

If you just had an urge, and did nothing about it, then fine, you can hide it.
But you are actually working in a field frowned upon by the community, and lying about it.

Do you not realize that kids derive quite a bit of identity from their parents' professions?
Do you not think their world will be turned upside down if they discover in their teens that mom is not tatty's secretary, but actually a lawyer, or computer programmer, or scientist?

What good can come out of this?
If it's so so so important to you to belong to this super conformist community, then just conform! You want to have your cake and eat it too, by deceiving your children.

It would not be as terrible if you were just omitting mentioning something from your past (like you have a degree). But to actually work in a certain career now, in the present, and lie about it? I have no words.

By the way, the chances that your kids will have urges to be different is high too. They will inherit it from you. You seem to be raising them in such a stifling community that any tiny step they take out of place will have costly, painful repercussions for them. Do you really think that's a wise choice?

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:24 pm

Double post

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:26 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

They may understand you or not when they grow up, they might not trust anything you ever said and have trust issues with other people the day they find out.

This. The fact that you nchr are fine with your mom hiding crucial aspects of her life, doesn't mean everyone would be fine with it.
In fact, many kids would totally lose faith in the parent, and possibly in the whole facade this lifestyle requires.

Bruria

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:28 pm

nchr wrote:

Because adults lie to children all the time. Do your children know what goes on in your bedroom at night? About the mikvah? About doctors? They should be concerned with age appropriate issues and not adult ones, especially when it involves something that makes them different than their peers.

Why should my children suffer because I was born with an urge to have a career frowned upon by my community? There was a thread the other day about a child not being accepted into school because his mother wore black tights - why should that kid need to suffer? His family is part of a community that clearly has an issue with that, and the mother should conform. If her urge to wear black tights is so great then let her wear them in secret, without her child knowing. Let her store them in an office, or storage facility, not her house.

I understand that you don't want them to suffer socially on your account, but have you ever thought there might be another community that you might be comfortable enough and that you wouldn't have to lie to them?

They might forgive you or not in the future for lying to them, they could also end up with major trust issues and never be able to trust anyone again.

amother

Wine

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:39 pm

nchr wrote:

I'm not embarrassed at all. I would just literally be ostracized, as would my husband and children. So no one, not even many of my siblings, need to know. However, I love my community, agree with its customs/minhagim/hashkafos/etc. and I like conforming to it and I hope my children will just be like everyone else and not need to hide things (and if they do hide things, then that will be their decision).

What on earth is your job that your husband and children would be literally ostracized if it was found out? A Jews for J missionary? Hit man for hire? Prost*te? Short of something on that line, I can't imagine kids being literally ostracized because their mother is a doctor or a plumber or an ambassador. Raised eyebrows, labeled as "unconventional", maybe, but not literally ostracized.

ectomorph

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:41 pm

Ruchie Freier's family hasn't had any trouble, and their mother is a judge

amother

Indigo

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:44 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Ruchie Freier's family hasn't had any trouble, and their mother is a judge

This is not exactly true. I know her personally. She also made many choices that are very different from her community, but she also always appeared to conform and generally does conform. Some people in the community think there could be a halachic issue with her doing that and not everyone wants to marry into her family. She is also Bobov not satmar or viznitz.

dankbar

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:46 pm

it can be something as simple as a nurse or sonographer

ectomorph

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 4:50 pm

Not everyone wants to marry into any family. I don't want my kids to marry into the rechnitz family, because too much wealth and a high profile is not healthy for kids, and I would refuse a shidduch with them.

But most people would. Which is my point. Freiers kids aren't having a hard time in shidduchim. Or getting into cheder.

amother

Cerulean

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 5:02 pm

nchr wrote:

I've been thinking about this.
We all have private personas and public personas.
The examples you gave all belong to the private persona. These are things you don't share with others, or maybe only with one other person, like your dh. Hopefully you don't outright lie about them (like telling your kids you never touch dh), but you try to keep all these activities under wraps and not topics for discussion at all.

Your kids don't want to know about your s@x life or your latest pap smear. It isn't part of their identity.

On the other hand, your career falls very solidly under your public persona (unless you belong to the mossad or something). Kids expect to know what their parents do for a living, what education they have had, and where they spend most of the day. Lying about that is a huge thing.

amother

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 5:03 pm

This thread really went off topic

ectomorph

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 5:07 pm

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

I think nchr once mentioned working for "homeland security" so maybe she does work for the mossad lol

No no! Maybe she is a spy to infiltrate the chassidish community! And so is her mom!

On the outside, normal chassidish vegans. On the inside, spy extraordinaire!!

dankbar

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 5:12 pm

What's interesting is though, nchr that you are pretty out of the box, hiddenly, but in your life you wouldn't be meshadech with a homeschooler, because it's out of the box?!
Ironic!

dankbar

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 5:15 pm

I read it as mosad first as she is the one making the rules for the community/kehilla/school, so nobody is allowed to know what she does privately, that is against the rules!

amother

Pearl

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 5:24 pm

NCHR, I think you're underestimating your community. I know college educated women in what seem to be enclaves similar to yours. There are a couple of very chassidish nurses working in hospitals and they aren't ostracized from their community. May it be that they have degrees, or did they skip it somehow? And they don't appear at work with a mask either.

I opted not to go for a college degree, but my career is in tech, and if there are any other women in my RW chassidish community in this career I don't know about it, but I am so proud of it. I don't prance around with a sign on my forehead, but when someone asks me what I do I am proud to answer. In all other ways like dress, speech, etc. I'm very conventional and a real conformist, but this is something I wanted to explore (more for parnassah than for passion, but now that I'm in it I love it). Anyway, haven't been ostracized yet and DH actually told the Rebbe of our chassidus what I do in a conversation.

dankbar

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 5:25 pm

Is the reason you dont want to be meshadech with an out of boxer because your own out of boxness will be discovered?

Mama Bear

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 5:56 pm

Can I speak up as true-blue chasidishe lady from a very chasidishe community, that having a college degree is not considered a frowned-upon thing.
Unless NCHRABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP or wahtever, lives in Tosh, Skver, or Monroe. that might be different.

nchr

Tue, Aug 20 2019, 6:01 pm

Mama Bear wrote:

I do live in one of those places. Regardless, it is still frowned upon in other cities - think co-ed college, long hours, years, not a Jewish program, etc.

Aylat

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 5:25 am

nchr wrote:

Because adults lie to children all the time. Do your children know what goes on in your bedroom at night? About the mikvah? About doctors?

No, I never lie to my kids. I don't share private things or things which are too adult for them, but I never lie.

Aylat

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 5:28 am

Nchr, what is your profession? I am so curious!

Page 7 of 8

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 Next