What am I supposed to do with her

amother

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:13 pm

DD is 13 and super stubborn. I'm at my wits end with her and don't know how to help.
Her backpack is 3 years old and starting to fall apart but she only wants the exact same pattern which I can't find.
She has 1(!!!!!!) shabbas dress which is 2 years old, falling apart, and doesn't even really fit her anymore but every store (IRL and online) has nothing she's interested in.
Her face is one big pimple but she won't use facewash I bought and won't pick out one on her own either. She also refuses deodorant and the smell at the end of the day is overwhelming. If I try to talk about these hygiene issues. she gets furious.
Yeah, she's my oldest. School is restarting soon and I just want to help her, especially the face and deodorant issues. HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLp

thunderstorm

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We have a shidduch!!! My DS since he’s 13 (now 17) is EXACTLY the same. He wears a Shabbos shirt that is torn to shreds on the sleeve because he likes this brand and pattern (which they no longer make) so he will wear this shirt ripped under his suit jacket and have his torn sleeves hang and get into his food during meal time , even though he has 10 other shirts to choose from. He thinks deodorant replaces a shower. And refuses to wash his face and would rather have a huge pimple on his nose. Lately he is busting out of his favorite pants and I told him he needs to wear other pants that fit and he answered “It’s cute being fat, I like it”.... Banging head

amother

Yellow

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:21 pm

I would put the backpack and shabbos dress on the back burner for now.

Give her a variety of hygiene products in a nice organizer and let it go. Don't harp on it or try to have a big discussion. After a few days of the school year, hopefully she will come around to it on her own, when she notices the other girls' emphasis on being put together. She probably justs needs some space for now and getting into a power struggle wont accomplish anything if she is super stubborn.

amother

Lemon

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:25 pm

The people I know like that either have very poor social skills in general or are extremely insecure (very possibly due to anxiety). Do you think your dd might fit into one of those categories? You really need to understand where this is coming from so you can help her appropriately.

amother

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:31 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

yup. she had a lot of social problems in elementary. she's now going into 8th and has a bunch of friends but I'm worried they're dropping her becuase she's tried to get together with a bunch of them over the summer and no one is available
she's overweight and I think she has self esteem issues.
her diet (what she eats not like a diet diet) is also abysmal. no fruit. I can sometimes force a few slices of cucumber or the very inside, pale green romaine lettuce parts on her. she hates all my food. lives on chumus sandwiches and frozen things like burgers and corn shnitzel.

forever21

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:33 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok I could be totally wrong with what I’m about to say but I’m only going by what you wrote : sounds to me like you give in way too much . She wants the same exact knapsack- let her go online and look for it herself . If she doesn’t find it , let her find another one .
As far as her pimples and her smell, maybe if you let it go she’ll be less defiant and be more on top of her hygiene . I can imagine it’s hard to not say anything when you really want what’s best for your daughter but sometimes we have to just keep quiet and hope they learn on their own . Like if her social life is struggling bec of her smell she rethink the whole deodorant thing .

amother

Amethyst

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:33 pm

I have a girl about the same age as yours, OP. What I find helpful is commenting on the good parts. " Your face looks so clear on the right side. Check it out, your skin is so velvety." I also told my daughter to change her pillow case every two days, and keep reminding her about it without drama. I bought the things I want her to use and leave it in the bathroom. I do tell her that if she scratches, it might get infected - so it's about a medical issue, not her looks. Also, as crazy her face makes me, I always make it about her - I feel bad your pictures won't look good, your face is so pretty I wish it wasn't scratched up.... ( My doesn't have acne, but she makes a huge mess of the pimples she gets)

amother

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:56 pm

forever21 wrote:

I'm not sure what you're imagining but I'm not badgering her daily or even weekly. I think I I bought the facewash in April or May I'm bringing it up here now just becuase her face has gotten really bad lately. I don't know how to talk to her without her getting angry at me.

amother

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 8:58 pm

flmommy wrote:

Is she depressed? I would insist on daily showers and deodorant and let the rest grow.

How would I know? I mean, I know the warning signs but some of them seem similar to jsut being a teenager, no? I tried therapy for her at the beginning of the year but it wasn't a good match with the therapist and she refuses to see anybody else.

amother

Blue

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:05 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Anything that is torn or doesnt fit needs to be thrown out immediately, no questions asked. She may throw a tantrum at first but will get over it and have to buy new things. Get her spray deodorant and have her talk to the doctor about the importance of hygiene and taking care of your body. Get her facials and have her see a dermatologist to take care of her face. She would probably also benefit from being in a therapy group to learn social skills.

amother

Silver

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:14 pm

Is she sensory? Often that goes with the social issues. They often stick to one brand and make of clothing because they trust it, and won't venture out. It feels weird to wash your face. Deoderant feels weird too. The rest of us may not like how things feel, but we do them because we see the bigger picture. They a) either don't see that bigger picture or don't place nearly as much value on it, and b) place a lot more weight on the discomfort, because they feel it more.

I have one of these. The only answer is to find a good enough motivation. It's hard. Also, sometimes I can buy five shirts that I think feel good by her standards and let her decide if any will do. Sometimes she will choose one.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:18 pm

I am sure many of you will not like this response but im just putting it out there. Now I wasnt like your DD except that There were about 3 or 4 outfits which I loved as a teen despite wear and tear. And my mom tried to talk me into letting go of them. It didnt work. Then she just got rid of them and when I opened my closet something else was there instead. I wasnt thrilled but I realised there was no choice.I didnt flip out and we bh have a very good relationship, till today bh. Something to think on. Again im not saying you should do this, im just this happened to me and I survived un traumatized.