Home

What am I supposed to do with her
Previous  1, 2, 3  Next  Last >>
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


forever21




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm not sure what you're imagining but I'm not badgering her daily or even weekly. I think I I bought the facewash in April or May I'm bringing it up here now just becuase her face has gotten really bad lately. I don't know how to talk to her without her getting angry at me.
oh ok because it sounded like maybe she wasn’t taking care of her skin bec she was being defiant but if you barely bring it up then there must be another reason why she’s neglecting her hygiene.
Does she get social cues ? How is she with non verbal communication ? Is she rigid in general ? How does she react when plans change last minute?
Back to top

amother




Red


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 9:47 pm
amother [ Silver ] wrote:
Is she sensory? Often that goes with the social issues. They often stick to one brand and make of clothing because they trust it, and won't venture out. It feels weird to wash your face. Deoderant feels weird too. The rest of us may not like how things feel, but we do them because we see the bigger picture. They a) either don't see that bigger picture or don't place nearly as much value on it, and b) place a lot more weight on the discomfort, because they feel it more.

I have one of these. The only answer is to find a good enough motivation. It's hard. Also, sometimes I can buy five shirts that I think feel good by her standards and let her decide if any will do. Sometimes she will choose one.


I was also going to ask if she's sensory. Sensory kids can seem really stubborn but they are actually just suffering from physical discomfort and trying to protect themselves from that. I am sensory myself so I really try to be understanding of my sensory DD (younger than yours OP). I find that showing her I understand her sensory needs and that I will be flexible in trying to accommodate them goes a long way. Try to see if you can figure out what causes her discomfort and if there is something you can do to ease it.
Back to top

Librarian




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 10:26 pm
I think you may be wise to consult a professional about these issues. There is something underneath this.
Back to top

amother




Mint


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 10:43 pm
At 13, even if she washed her face regularly she might still have pimples. That’s the age.
Back to top

amother




Scarlet


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 11:30 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I'm not sure what you're imagining but I'm not badgering her daily or even weekly. I think I I bought the facewash in April or May I'm bringing it up here now just becuase her face has gotten really bad lately. I don't know how to talk to her without her getting angry at me.


Maybe she feels like nothing she does will make a difference anyway. Have you taken her to a dermatologist? Honestly, otc face wash probably won't be that helpful from what you've described, but a dermatologist would have many more options.

I agree with others that torn clothing should be thrown out. I would say it as a simple rule, factual, nothing personal. We don't wear torn clothing. When it gets worn out to that point, it goes in the garbage.

I would also discuss hygiene in a factual way, and how poor hygiene may cause others to view us.

BUT DISCLAIMER, I don't know your dd or if there are other issues going on like others suggested, such as depression, etc. This is the basic approach I would take assuming that there are no other issues at play here.
Back to top

amother




Royalblue


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 11:40 pm
forever21 wrote:
oh ok because it sounded like maybe she wasn’t taking care of her skin bec she was being defiant but if you barely bring it up then there must be another reason why she’s neglecting her hygiene.
Does she get social cues ? How is she with non verbal communication ? Is she rigid in general ? How does she react when plans change last minute?

Can you please elaborate on that.
Sounds a lot like my DD
Back to top

amother




Powderblue


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 11:46 pm
I used to be sort of like that when I was her age. I did not like change. (I still don't like change in some things)
. You might have to wait until she goes away to school or somewhere away from family and close friends. In the meantime, focus on what is positive with her and try not to criticize.
Back to top

amother




Tan


Post  Wed, Aug 21 2019, 11:47 pm
I wouldn't rush to throw out the old clothes. They may provide a certain sense of security for her. Maybe you can make a rule that she can only wear the old clothes in the house, and if she breaks that rule, you'll warn her you're going to throw it away?
Would an incentive system work for the hygiene issues? Like at night after she takes a shower and uses deoderant and face wash she can have dessert or screentime, a later bedtime.
Back to top

dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 12:02 am
Seems like she's hard with change.

Also maybe she feels that you dont respect her etc that you think of her as ugly, smelly etc..
Back to top

amother




Coral


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:03 am
I was kinda like that as a kid. Turns out most of it, the lack of care about hygiene, clothing details, etc was a combination of lack of self esteem and ADD.

tbh I still struggle remembering to brush my teeth. I wish I cared more about the state of my clothes, I genuinely don't notice or care if clothes are pilling. I'm like, so many more problems to care about lol.

I remember overhearing some friends once talking about how you should wear different material shells for different occasions, different outfits and I was just flabbergasted who cares? I will take my cotton/modal everyday and every simcha.

Back to the point though... Everytime my mother tried to yell or guilt me, it never really helped. She just made me feel bad about myself with the hygiene stuff and it didn't fix the underlying issue. So if there is a reason your daughter might not be good about such things(I'm not going to diagnose anyone over imamother) then the underlying problem has to be dealt with or you'll just further kill her self esteem.

Oh and plenty of teenagers have acne and facewash doesn't help much. I think you have to let her be with that one unless she wants to see a dr.
Back to top

amother




Bronze


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:16 am
Before I make my point I want to stress that this is very rare but: Sometimes a lack of wanting to conform to basic hygiene standards and general unwritten societal rules at the ages of 12 13 14 (especially if it costs somebody their ability to maintain appropriate peer relationships) can be an indicator of previous s-xual abuse. The reason why it plays out in this way is because the teen would rather remain a child as otherwise they need to face the reality of growing into adulthood, something that they don't want to do since they associate this with their abuser. I don't want to scare anybody. Like I said before, this is likely NOT the case but it's worth crossing off the list. As is this needs professional intervention because as others have pointed out this behavior can be linked to anxiety, depression or a spectrum disorder. Once your daughter sees a qualified professional then they can usually weed out the source of the issue and work on it from there.

Much hatzlocha in getting to the bottom of this OP!
Back to top

amother




Aquamarine


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 3:32 am
I was a bit like this as a teen too.

What I wish had been done for me:

Buy a large variety of different options of deodorant. Roll-on, natural, spray, stick, different scents. Sit down one day and have a very matter-of-fact discussion (or really probably lecture) but not too serious, crack some jokes, but don't really expect replies.

Say something like, "It's one of the annoying parts of growing up, but kid bodies turn into adult bodies. Along the way we start to smell... not fun but true! The smell seems much worse from our armpits, so all of us teens and adults have to start getting used to wearing deodorant for Ahavas Yisroel... be happy I wear it or you'd hate being around me! There are lots of kinds of deodorants, I got you a bunch to try them out, and if you hate them all I can get some other ones. Some people like spray best, some people like stick, or roll-on [elaborate on some of the pros and cons]. Either way, most of us are stuck wearing them every day! As someone once told me, sniff your underarm: If you can smell it, so can everyone else!"

Sort of a sympathetic attitude, like "we're going to figure out a way to make this work for you." Not a top-down, "you'd better or else" kind of approach.

Also, and important, giving her options and time to get comfortable with one of them. Some people are "NO" right away, but give them time and some nos become yeses.

For backpacks, I'd do the same kind of thing: Pick out a few that you think are good, get them from somewhere they are returnable. Again have a little shmuess/talk with her, not expecting discussion but sharing the facts:

"DD, I know you love your old backpack. I looked all over but I really couldn't find another one just like it. It stinks, it was a great pattern - I wish they hadn't stopped making it! I know you're still sticking with your old one, but it's kinda ripped and I don't think it's going to last the year. I picked out a few other ones, like this LLBean one that might last another 15 years! I'm leaving them in your room for now, and in 2 weeks you can let me know which one you like best and I'll return the others. Even if you're not ready to use the new one yet, at least I'll know you have one."

Do a similar thing with the Shabbos dresses. She may not be able to say yes to something from seeing it in a store, but once she gets used to it (by having it in her closet or hanging on her door) she might be more ready to accept it.

I wouldn't worry about pimples, TBH. Some people have them, some don't. You can let her know that diet plays a part for some people, facial rinses help for some people, and for some unlucky folks, time helps. She should be aware that if she hates having pimples, you can work with her until you find a method that works for her, including a dermatologist if necessary. If it doesn't bother her enough, just let it go.

I'm stubborn like anything, too. I don't think she's being defiant to make you angry, these things are just a big deal to her. You can make it easier by putting her in a position where she doesn't have to decide right away, and still has choices.
Back to top

amother




Seashell


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 3:38 am
I heard that dairy can be bad for acne. Just sayin'.
Back to top

amother




Red


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 3:41 am
amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:
I was a bit like this as a teen too.

What I wish had been done for me:

Buy a large variety of different options of deodorant. Roll-on, natural, spray, stick, different scents. Sit down one day and have a very matter-of-fact discussion (or really probably lecture) but not too serious, crack some jokes, but don't really expect replies.

Say something like, "It's one of the annoying parts of growing up, but kid bodies turn into adult bodies. Along the way we start to smell... not fun but true! The smell seems much worse from our armpits, so all of us teens and adults have to start getting used to wearing deodorant for Ahavas Yisroel... be happy I wear it or you'd hate being around me! There are lots of kinds of deodorants, I got you a bunch to try them out, and if you hate them all I can get some other ones. Some people like spray best, some people like stick, or roll-on [elaborate on some of the pros and cons]. Either way, most of us are stuck wearing them every day! As someone once told me, sniff your underarm: If you can smell it, so can everyone else!"

Sort of a sympathetic attitude, like "we're going to figure out a way to make this work for you." Not a top-down, "you'd better or else" kind of approach.

Also, and important, giving her options and time to get comfortable with one of them. Some people are "NO" right away, but give them time and some nos become yeses.

For backpacks, I'd do the same kind of thing: Pick out a few that you think are good, get them from somewhere they are returnable. Again have a little shmuess/talk with her, not expecting discussion but sharing the facts:

"DD, I know you love your old backpack. I looked all over but I really couldn't find another one just like it. It stinks, it was a great pattern - I wish they hadn't stopped making it! I know you're still sticking with your old one, but it's kinda ripped and I don't think it's going to last the year. I picked out a few other ones, like this LLBean one that might last another 15 years! I'm leaving them in your room for now, and in 2 weeks you can let me know which one you like best and I'll return the others. Even if you're not ready to use the new one yet, at least I'll know you have one."

Do a similar thing with the Shabbos dresses. She may not be able to say yes to something from seeing it in a store, but once she gets used to it (by having it in her closet or hanging on her door) she might be more ready to accept it.

I wouldn't worry about pimples, TBH. Some people have them, some don't. You can let her know that diet plays a part for some people, facial rinses help for some people, and for some unlucky folks, time helps. She should be aware that if she hates having pimples, you can work with her until you find a method that works for her, including a dermatologist if necessary. If it doesn't bother her enough, just let it go.

I'm stubborn like anything, too. I don't think she's being defiant to make you angry, these things are just a big deal to her. You can make it easier by putting her in a position where she doesn't have to decide right away, and still has choices.


Great advice!!!
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 5:29 am
The first thing I would do, is get her an evaluation. Some kids who are very high functioning on the autistic spectrum don't get diagnosed until they are coming into their teen years. Things that were quirky or "a little bit delayed" become much more obvious as time goes on.

As you may have seen by many of the threads here, a smelly, overweight child in torn up and ill fitting clothing is enough for some people to call Child Services on you. You really don't want that headache, on top of everything else.

Please talk to professional, and get some help in moving her past this stage.
Back to top

salt




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 6:13 am
Without wanting to derail the thread, can someone explain to me why low self esteem would cause a teenager not to take care of their hygene?
Logically, I would think it would be the opposite.
They have low self-esteem so they want to do what they can to make themselves look/feel better.
Back to top

rowo




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 6:47 am
At that age some kids have a problem with anything their mother says.
If she hears tips and tricks on hygiene from someone else she might be more receptive to it.
My kids thought it was just my mishegas and obsession with driving them crazy that led me to remind them about showering, brushing teeth, clean socks etc...
As they older I bought the book - ‘the care and keeping of you’ and the boys version for them to read.
Especially for dd, it is empowering, she has the information, and now understands the how’s and why’s of taking care of her body.
Back to top

singleagain




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 6:57 am
salt wrote:
Without wanting to derail the thread, can someone explain to me why low self esteem would cause a teenager not to take care of their hygene?
Logically, I would think it would be the opposite.
They have low self-esteem so they want to do what they can to make themselves look/feel better.


Low self esteem is like... No one else cares about me why should I?

At least, that's one way I see it based on personal experience


By the way. I really like aquamarine's advice.

And rowo, who says when it comes from your mother it's nuts. But a friend says it any it's accepted.

Also someone mentioned baby wipes... They make deodorant wipes

I recently got this for me, bc someone I feel like I need to freshen up in the middle of the day. I keep it in my purse

Pacifica Beauty Underarm deodorant Wipes, Coconut Milk & Rose https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07D.....EZ9YC
Back to top

amother




Oak


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 10:02 am
Perhaps a book that covers hygiene, like American Girl's The Care and Keeping of You, would feel less intrusive than a discussion.
Back to top

jfk92




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 1:40 pm
rowo wrote:
At that age some kids have a problem with anything their mother says.
- actually this reminds me. One of my cousins had an issue w her daughter listening to her, but when someone else brought up that topic, the daughter was more open to the suggestions. This is in no way a long term solution, but with something that needs immediate attention, perhaps have someone else mention something to her.?!
Back to top
Previous  1, 2, 3  Next  Last >> Recent Topics

Page 2 of 3 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Is a woman supposed to shake lulav everyday?
by flmommy
14 Fri, Oct 18 2019, 1:21 pm View last post
Is this what it’s supposed to be like?
by amother
29 Thu, Oct 10 2019, 7:00 am View last post
What are we supposed to do in this situation?
by amother
28 Wed, Aug 07 2019, 1:55 pm View last post
Dd supposed to be counselor in camp- had surgery...
by amother
33 Tue, Jul 23 2019, 10:31 am View last post
Am I supposed to tip at hair salon?
by amother
11 Wed, Apr 17 2019, 12:59 pm View last post

Jump to: