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Rappel




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 3:56 am
https://www.imamother.com/foru.....p?t=369385

Spinning off of the teenage thread. My eldest is only 3, but I want to start inculcating in him the value of gratitude.

But seeing as he's still at an age where I wait on him hand and foot, I don't really know where to go from here.

How did you reach your children gratitude, and when did it "click" for them? What are appropriate stages and milestones for them to reach? What does the process of inculcating gratitude look like?
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salt




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 4:44 am
I think the issue of the mom on the other thread was not only the lack of appreciation and gratefulness from the side of the teenager, but also the teenager being too demanding and self-absorbed.

Say, a child demands new stuff the whole time, always wants the latest fashion, anything their peers have, whatever they see, but actually does say thank you. This case is definitely better than a child who takes and doesn't say thank you, but still leads to a spoilt child who wants to much, and can't take no for an answer.

So I think the most important thing is to not give in to every whim. And of course to encourage saying thank you and helping out, doing favours for each other.

And practising what we preach.
eg. you take your child to the supermarket, explain that we're keeping to the list, even though there are plenty of tempting things we see as we go down the aisles.
If we want make a purchase, we wait for an offer, or search for the cheaper option when we can.

Keeping your word, and not giving in to every wish, showing the kids how we personally are careful with what we buy, together with everything you say you already do, helps to teach kids not to be entitled.

Hope this doesn't sound too preachy - I don't always succeed myself!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 4:55 am
My mom told me that children are never truly grateful, until they have children of their own. Then they suddenly realize exactly the extent of the sacrifices and effort you made for them. You call your parents for their wisdom and experience, you apologize for being such a jerk when you were a teen, and you can finally become friends.

I know this was the case with my parents. I didn't appreciate them one bit, until I was much older and out of the house. Once I became a parent, everything changed.

In the meantime, don't expect gratitude from your kids. Just be happy when it happens, and give positive reinforcement when your kids show good middos. Right now, the most important thing is for them to respect you and love you. Gratitude comes much later on.
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Squishy




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 5:43 am
Teach them to always say thank you, and make sure you thank everyone. This habit will extend beyond their interactions with you. I have constantly been praised for the lovely manners my kids have. They will tank a teacher for giving them a paper. Evidently, no one else in the class was taught this because teachers have told me that they are the only one. My kids thank everyone for any efforts expended on their behalf. I have been asked of we are from the south and if we are a military family because they are so well mannered.

Stop and take time with your kids to show appreciation for everything Hashem gave you. Ask them if they realize how fortunate they are for having food and a roof over their head when there are kids who don't have this. Show your own appreciation often.

Make sure you say no a lot to their requests even when you can easily afford them. I didn't grow up with everything. I think it makes one hungry not to grow up with every want. I like when my kids ask am I sure about buying them something because it's a lot of money. We also talk about life plans, so they can provide a nice lifestyle. Obviously, my kids ate older.

Also, make sure you speak about non-material things in relationship to gratitude. My kids are at the age wherethey find DH and I embarrassing. Hashem never made such embarrassing parents as us. I tell them that they should only find a spouse to love them as much as we love each other. (I also tell them their kids will find them embarrassing as well.)

DH always thanks me in front of them for all my efforts whether it's a yontiff or a Shabbos or even a weekday meal. He will say did you thank your mother. I will do the same for him. I will tell the kids to thank Totty for the nice life we have.

BH both DH and I are so grateful for everything. The kids see this and incorporate it.
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pesek zman




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 6:03 am
Honestly? I work in a hospital and until recent she went to school on campus. When heading to/from school we routinely passed patients in wheelchairs boarding their ambulettes, which from a very young age spurred conversations about what are wheelchairs and aren’t we lucky that BH our legs allow us to walk etc. also, on subway we often encounter homeless individuals. We often talk about panhandling (asking for money or food on the subway) and again, discuss how lucky we are to have everything we need. I feel so fortunate that circumstances have Allowed is to have these conversations early and often. Gratitude it never too early to be taught
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 8:57 am
I made my kids' favorite supper yesterday (DH had a wedding to attend, so going dairy worked for us) and every single one of them either complimented or thanked me in some way or other (Ma, the french onion soup is amazing! Mommy, thanks for making pizza, I LOVE pizza...Mommy, this is the best supper....)

I think you can teach children gratitude when they are young. There are a bunch of ways. I remember when my kids were little, they once came in for supper grumbling "chicken again" and I told them how much effort I put into making sure they have something to eat, and I vary the menu so they get the health benefits, etc...and they apologized. As they grew up, DH would always thank me, and tell them "let's thank Mommy for this delicious meal" and stuff like that. It rubs off over time.

I think it's okay to tell your kids that some appreciation is nice, if they are not forthcoming on their own.
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chicco




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:09 am
My kids' first words were all "Todah." Besides for teaching them to say please and thank you, I make sure to model that same behavior in my interactions with others, and certainly with them. Gratitude is an attitude more than a behavior. From a young age we try to foster a sense of seeing what others are doing for you as well as what you can do for others.

By recognizing that nothing, not even small things happened by themselves, their eyes are open to appreciating how things come to be.

We also give them responsibilities that put them in the position of understanding how much work goes into something, as well as the feeling they get when others show them appreciation for what they have provided.
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Stars




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:24 am
You can teach gratitude. And you don't have to wait your 3 year old on hand and foot. 3 year olds can do quite a lot for themselves. It goes together, gratitude and independence. Can my 4 year old get himself a drink? Yes. That's why he's grateful when I get one for him sometimes.
But also some people have more sourpuss natures than others, for sure. Also, count normal teenagers out of anything I just said.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:30 am
My one year old says Thank You when I hand her her pacifier. You can train them when they are very young. However , the feeling of gratitude tended to disappear when my kids became teens. So hopefully it’s just a passing phase . I have lots of Thank You notes and letters my kids wrote to me when they were younger. One of my kids couldn’t write yet, so he drew pictures of me washing the floor, cooking and taking care of the kids etc. and then wrote the words Thank You Mommy , that he asked me how to spell. So I think my kids know how to be grateful but teenagehood got in the way. Hopefully once they grow into adults they will feel it and express it again.
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amother




Chartreuse


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:31 am
Some are and say so, some are and don’t say so, some are clearly not and probably never will be.

It’s a mistake for parents to expect gratitude from children, especially from teenagers, who are almost genetically programmed to be self-centered. I agree with the poster who said it doesn’t usually happen till they have kids of their own.
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amother




Coffee


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:35 am
My father used to tell me not to thank him because he was doing things for me, he was just doing his job as a parent. My kids do not have to thank me because I do things for them as a parent. I chose to have them and it is my obligation to ensure that they are taken care of. Even if they get extra luxuries they still don't have to thank me for it as it comes with no strings attached. I am happy that I can give them things and make their lives easier and better and don't want anything in return.
The sense of entitlement from some of the parents on imamother is astonishing. You had the choice to have kids, you provide for them unconditionally without expecting gratitude or thank you's in return. These kids are your gifts from Hashem to take care of, did you thank Hashem for giving them to you? Do you take the time to thank the kids for allowing you to be their parents? So many people can't have children or lose their children, why do you take them for granted if you do have them and expect them to bow down to you instead of the other way around?

That is not to say that they shouldn't be saying thank you to strangers who are kind to them and help them with things but parents who expect thanks for doing their job and giving their kids things should reevaluate themselves to see why they want a conditional relationship with their kids.
Yes, I know this is not the popular opinion so go ahead and throw your tomatos at me, I can handle it Cool Tongue Out
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srbmom




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:36 am
Quote:
Teach them to always say thank you, and make sure you thank everyone. This habit will extend beyond their interactions with you.

This. I think saying thank you out of the home and outside of the family has an even greater impact (should absolutely still make sure to do it in the home).
I always thank the grocery workers, people holding doors for us, I write personal thank you notes to teachers... and I make sure my kids are aware and part of all of this.
I can't say they're always so grateful to me and my husband - although I see signs of this developing as they mature (oldest is 12), but I absolutely see them using beautiful manners to others.
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simba




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:40 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
My mom told me that children are never truly grateful, until they have children of their own. Then they suddenly realize exactly the extent of the sacrifices and effort you made for them. You call your parents for their wisdom and experience, you apologize for being such a jerk when you were a teen, and you can finally become friends.

I know this was the case with my parents. I didn't appreciate them one bit, until I was much older and out of the house. Once I became a parent, everything changed.

In the meantime, don't expect gratitude from your kids. Just be happy when it happens, and give positive reinforcement when your kids show good middos. Right now, the most important thing is for them to respect you and love you. Gratitude comes much later on.


This. I don’t know how I missed the appreciation as a kid/teen but now as a parent I am so appreciative for all that was and is continually done for me by my parents.

I hope to have that from my children one day but for now they are just takers.
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giselle




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:42 am
Chayalle wrote:
As they grew up, DH would always thank me, and tell them "let's thank Mommy for this delicious meal" and stuff like that. It rubs off over time.

I think it's okay to tell your kids that some appreciation is nice, if they are not forthcoming on their own.

I think the above points are really important. To be honest my kids are a little spoiled in that they get a lot, but they are such grateful kids, constantly thanking me for even the smallest things. It’s something that’s never too early too teach. Also a bit of personality trait. My son was always more grateful than my daughter, but she learned from him and now thanks me for everything.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:43 am
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
My father used to tell me not to thank him because he was doing things for me, he was just doing his job as a parent. My kids do not have to thank me because I do things for them as a parent. I chose to have them and it is my obligation to ensure that they are taken care of. Even if they get extra luxuries they still don't have to thank me for it as it comes with no strings attached. I am happy that I can give them things and make their lives easier and better and don't want anything in return.
The sense of entitlement from some of the parents on imamother is astonishing. You had the choice to have kids, you provide for them unconditionally without expecting gratitude or thank you's in return. These kids are your gifts from Hashem to take care of, did you thank Hashem for giving them to you? Do you take the time to thank the kids for allowing you to be their parents? So many people can't have children or lose their children, why do you take them for granted if you do have them and expect them to bow down to you instead of the other way around?

That is not to say that they shouldn't be saying thank you to strangers who are kind to them and help them with things but parents who expect thanks for doing their job and giving their kids things should reevaluate themselves to see why they want a conditional relationship with their kids.
Yes, I know this is not the popular opinion so go ahead and throw your tomatos at me, I can handle it Cool Tongue Out

There is a concept of Hakaras Hatov. It applies to all areas of our life. Gratitude to our Father in Heaven, gratitude to our parents , gratitude to our children , gratitude to our friends, teachers , rabbis and neighbors. If you imbue gratitude into your children it will roll over into all the areas of their lives. When I want to see them grateful, it is because I want them to appreciate what they have and to appreciate life , not because I feel I need gratitude for being the worlds greatest parent.
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amother




Seafoam


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:45 am
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
My father used to tell me not to thank him because he was doing things for me, he was just doing his job as a parent. My kids do not have to thank me because I do things for them as a parent. I chose to have them and it is my obligation to ensure that they are taken care of. Even if they get extra luxuries they still don't have to thank me for it as it comes with no strings attached. I am happy that I can give them things and make their lives easier and better and don't want anything in return.
The sense of entitlement from some of the parents on imamother is astonishing. You had the choice to have kids, you provide for them unconditionally without expecting gratitude or thank you's in return. These kids are your gifts from Hashem to take care of, did you thank Hashem for giving them to you? Do you take the time to thank the kids for allowing you to be their parents? So many people can't have children or lose their children, why do you take them for granted if you do have them and expect them to bow down to you instead of the other way around?

That is not to say that they shouldn't be saying thank you to strangers who are kind to them and help them with things but parents who expect thanks for doing their job and giving their kids things should reevaluate themselves to see why they want a conditional relationship with their kids.
Yes, I know this is not the popular opinion so go ahead and throw your tomatos at me, I can handle it Cool Tongue Out


This is not the Torah hashkafah. In fact, the ta'am given for the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va'eim is precisely this: gratitude for all that one's parents have done for him.
ספר החינוך: משרשי המצוה שראוי לו לאדם שיכיר ויגמל חסד למי שעשה עמו שום טובה
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chicco




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:48 am
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
My father used to tell me not to thank him because he was doing things for me, he was just doing his job as a parent. My kids do not have to thank me because I do things for them as a parent. I chose to have them and it is my obligation to ensure that they are taken care of. Even if they get extra luxuries they still don't have to thank me for it as it comes with no strings attached. I am happy that I can give them things and make their lives easier and better and don't want anything in return.
The sense of entitlement from some of the parents on imamother is astonishing. You had the choice to have kids, you provide for them unconditionally without expecting gratitude or thank you's in return. These kids are your gifts from Hashem to take care of, did you thank Hashem for giving them to you? Do you take the time to thank the kids for allowing you to be their parents? So many people can't have children or lose their children, why do you take them for granted if you do have them and expect them to bow down to you instead of the other way around?

That is not to say that they shouldn't be saying thank you to strangers who are kind to them and help them with things but parents who expect thanks for doing their job and giving their kids things should reevaluate themselves to see why they want a conditional relationship with their kids.
Yes, I know this is not the popular opinion so go ahead and throw your tomatos at me, I can handle it Cool Tongue Out


Just because someone has to do something, doesn't mean they should not be thanked. Should I not thank the cashier because she is just doing her job? The cleaning lady? The postman for delivering my mail? Obligation has nothing to do with gratitude. Gratitude is an appreciation that someone else did something for you, regardless of whether they had to or not. To think otherwise is to promote a sense of entitlement. I do not need my kids to say thank you to me for me. I need them to say thank you for them. It teaches them to be better people, to have a better perspective, to do good.
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:57 am
amother [ Coffee ] wrote:
My father used to tell me not to thank him because he was doing things for me, he was just doing his job as a parent. My kids do not have to thank me because I do things for them as a parent. I chose to have them and it is my obligation to ensure that they are taken care of. Even if they get extra luxuries they still don't have to thank me for it as it comes with no strings attached. I am happy that I can give them things and make their lives easier and better and don't want anything in return.
The sense of entitlement from some of the parents on imamother is astonishing. You had the choice to have kids, you provide for them unconditionally without expecting gratitude or thank you's in return. These kids are your gifts from Hashem to take care of, did you thank Hashem for giving them to you? Do you take the time to thank the kids for allowing you to be their parents? So many people can't have children or lose their children, why do you take them for granted if you do have them and expect them to bow down to you instead of the other way around?

That is not to say that they shouldn't be saying thank you to strangers who are kind to them and help them with things but parents who expect thanks for doing their job and giving their kids things should reevaluate themselves to see why they want a conditional relationship with their kids.
Yes, I know this is not the popular opinion so go ahead and throw your tomatos at me, I can handle it Cool Tongue Out


I completely and totally and respectfully disagree with this post.

We, as frum Jews, are supposed to teach our children to be grateful. This is not because we need their thanks, but because it teaches them to be better, more appreciative human beings, and ultimately, to appreciate their creator, Hashem, for everything He does for them.

When we say brachos, Hashem doesn't need our thanks, but we need HIM! We need Hashem, and we need a relationship with Him, and thanking him teaches us how to have that connection. It's for our benefit!

Children who appreciate their parents are happier children. They know their parents want whats best for them. They know if their parents say no, it's not because they don't care.

I love my kids unconditionally, I had IF and I don't take one day of having them for granted. I don't see it as a contradiction to teaching them to appreciate everything they have, and not take their blessings in life for granted. In fact, it goes hand in hand. I wasn't entitled to have them - they are a gift. And they, in turn, can learn to be grateful for the life Hashem gave them.
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BatyaEsther




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 10:28 am
I was going to write a really long response, but Squishy already said it perfectly.
Thank you!!!
(You saved me a whole lot of time typing 😊)
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Cheshire cat




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 22 2019, 10:35 am
Some food for thought:
I recently attended a seminar by Rebetzin Spetner, and she said something that I found intriguing.

It is unnatural for young children to feel sincere gratitude for the everyday things, and even for the special extras, that you provide. A child who thanks effusively... It may actually be an indicator of anxiety.

That being said, we should definitely inculcate children with the value of gratitude. And we should teach them to say thank you. Even if only as a socially appropriate behavior.

True appreciation, she explained, will come with maturity. When they will do laundry for their own kids, they will think of you, and the mountains of laundry you dealt with for them, and feel appreciative.

I agree with this to some extent. However, sometimes my kids do express sincere appreciation to dh or me. It is such a beautiful thing to experience.
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