Sort of a mess right now...

amother

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 6:40 pm

To clear things up, the school is aware of the issues that present. They were aware before accepting her as a student. Under no circumstances will we share her diagnosis and we have the legal right to protect that information. She is high functioning and after a few years therapy may drop the diagnosis. Time will tell. Further, we have not ever asked the school for anything special. They know her as an intelligent but sensitive girl. We directly addressed with the Morahs incidences that she mentioned so we could get clarity. Incidences where she was crying in class. And we said we are working with her on social skills. They were evasive and refused to provide any information blowing all of it off. There is no reason for that. I shouldn’t need to throw around a fancy diagnosis to get basic information about my child’s school life. Nonetheless, she needs to stretch her social muscles and that’s why she is there. She needs neurotypical social examples to model from. But, if it’s doing more harm than good, I don’t want her back there. And I have the most awful gut feeling that grows as school draws near.

ectomorph

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 7:10 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

To clear things up, the school is aware of the issues that present. They were aware before accepting her as a student. Under no circumstances will we share her diagnosis and we have the legal right to protect that information. She is high functioning and after a few years therapy may drop the diagnosis. Time will tell. Further, we have not ever asked the school for anything special. They know her as an intelligent but sensitive girl. We directly addressed with the Morahs incidences that she mentioned so we could get clarity. Incidences where she was crying in class. And we said we are working with her on social skills. They were evasive and refused to provide any information blowing all of it off. There is no reason for that. I shouldn't need to throw around a fancy diagnosis to get basic information about my child’s school life. Nonetheless, she needs to stretch her social muscles and that’s why she is there. She needs neurotypical social examples to model from. But, if it’s doing more harm than good, I don’t want her back there. And I have the most awful gut feeling that grows as school draws near.

That kind of attitude will be worse for your daughter than any stigma.

The fact is, pretending your daughter is "normal but sensitive" is probably preventing her getting the support she needs at school.

They may even feel that there is no point talking to you if you are in denial about your daughter (since they don't know about your private therapy). They may be tolerating her as long as she isn't disruptive.

#BestBubby

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 7:13 pm

Hi OP, I am a SEIT.

School is important for socialization especially for child with ASD.

1. I would not tell school diagnosis but say social anxiety.

2. Make sure yr DC is dressed in style and has all the cool accessories.

3. Try to arrange playdates - especially if yr. therapist can observe and intervene if necessary.

4. Read Chaim Walder's Kid Speak books aloud and discuss the situations and how
the hero/heroine solved their problem. Kid Speak books are good bec. shows a child who struggles that other kids also struggle. In the stories the hero/heroine overcomes a difficult situation and you can discuss those strategies. Suggest this to your therapist.

Really reading all fiction is very good for teaching social skills, empathy, other peoples POV.

Hatzlocha!

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 7:36 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Yes, the teachers probably suspect it and assume you're in denial so they don't bother fighting with you over it. If you tell the teachers what you've done so far and what works and doesn't based on the diagnosis, they're more able to work with you (they can even privately bend some rules if they have the info about the asd)

amother

Puce

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 7:48 pm

I've had students who had clearly been diagnosed with something but the parents wouldn't admit it or share anything with the school. The parents would be vague and evasive, but it wasn't hard to read between the lines.

Our hands were tied, we couldn't come right out and ask. Often, the parents/doctor would try out various meds (not telling us, but the kid might let it drop or it would just be very obvious to to wildly varying behaviors from 1 day to the next.)

It didn't benefit the student and it gave the parents a reputation of being difficult and hard to deal with which is a stigma all in itself. Plus, we were very wary with what we shared with the parents because we honestly didn't know how they would react or try to do with the information. Like, accuse us of "labeling" their kids and try to sue the school or something.

All of this drama was never in the child's best interest, and being so secretive about it puts unnecessary pressure and a burden on your daughter. It puts up a barrier if she knows there are things the teacher doesnt know. And sounds like that's the case if she is included in these academic plan discussions with you and her doctor.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 8:22 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

Yes! Well said!
We love those parents who send an email the first week of school. "This is my daughter. This is her IEP/504. Here's what last year's teachers said worked and didn't work. Please be in touch if you notice she's acting strange and we'll talk to Dr about adjusting meds"
It means the conversation is open and we're on the same team of helping the kid though whatever situation.
When we haven't been informed of diagnosis and med situation, every bad day needs a complicated email that skirts around the issue instead of a quick "hey, Chani wasn't herself today. She has the work she couldn't focus on today in her bag. Please work on it over the weekend". Parents would only accept that email if there was already an ongoing conversation. By not giving the teacher all the information about the child you're not opening the conversation fully, so the teacher doesn't know where the line is.

Petra

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 8:35 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Nonetheless, she needs to stretch her social muscles and that’s why she is there. She needs neurotypical social examples to model from.

So, aren't you making an argument that she really should be in school?

I would think there would be benefits to her teachers understanding where she is coming from. Surely they must be thinking, "why doesn't she get some help emotionally?" and perplexed that she is not (even though she is seeing a specialist).

Would the school have resources for her if they knew about her condition or even "potential condition"?

For what it's worth, Jewish schools are not always equipped to deal with kids beyond typical kids' needs, as I'm sure you know. So, I understand your desire for home-school but your daughter misses out on social interaction. What about public shool?

amother

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:21 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

Quite the opposite. We tell them we know she has issues and we are working with her and would like to know more about her day. They respond “nope everything is perfectly normal here. No concerns.”

amother

Denim

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 9:36 pm

Is it possible that they aren't seeing her issues in the classroom? I had a camper once that the parents called me a few days into camp to ask how their kid was doing. I said he was doing great. The mother said don't lie about it I know he has serious issues. I said I'm really not having any problems with him. I had a very hard bunk and some kids that didn't officially have issues were more difficult than him and disrupted the bunk multiple times a day. After that I looked out for the issues but from my point of view he actually did well that summer.

ectomorph

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 10:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That's very open end ed. You'd "like to know more about her day"? It sounds like you're fishing for information and not being up front. Have you specified issues? For instance, "does she play with others at recess", or "does she appear confident answering questions in class"

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 10:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Honestly, a teacher has a class of 20+ kids. They're not noting every issue, and if your kid has been socially awkward or whatever since day one, the fact that she sat by herself at recess again isn't going to stand out.
Teachers of older students generally spend their nights working on academic preparation and grading more than giving parents detailed breakdowns of the kids days. It's unfair to expect the teacher to give you a 15 minute update every night.

ectomorph

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 11:08 pm

Just noting, keeping her therapy and diagnosis secret might be stressing your daughter and preventing her from making friends.

You mention stigma and gut feelings in your op. Maybe you would benefit from a therapist to process your feelings on having a child who is special needs. If you don't view her diagnosis as defining her as a person, others won't either.

I may have symptoms of adhd, and perhaps I'll never be totally focused and organized, but there's so much more to who I am. In the long run the diagnosis doesn't matter- its merely a way to access help I need, whether it's meds, therapy, organization systems like flylady, supportive husband.

I've been off meds since I was married and am very functional. I have a lot of coping mechanisms. In general, it is better to face my flaws and deal with them, then to waste energy being secretive about them.

My point is, your daughter will benefit from your positive and open attitude more than from any secrets.

Last edited by ectomorph on Thu, Aug 22 2019, 11:14 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Jade

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 11:08 pm

I work with children with ASD. Based on what you are saying about your child's level it seems like she has a lot of potential. Can you get her home ABA therapist to be in direct contact with the school? I know you are hesitant to let the school know your daughters exact diagnosis, but as others said it is important to share more information with them.
Keep in mind that if she has the diagnosis but does really well due to everyone working together it won't make much of a difference 5 years down the line.
Please dont let her avoid the situation that is hard for her! It would be such a pity for her to miss out on learning and generalizing those skills.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Aug 22 2019, 11:14 pm

I had a student that was developmentally delayed before she came into my class, plus other issues. First day, mom told me, last year she was in a special school, part of year & other half a year she was mainstreamed with a full time shadow. This year she is having none. I worked with the girl, even though I had a full class to take care of. I was like her therapist, her shadow etc. Mom kept calling me to keep tabs. Girl was doing great.
Next year, mom hid info, as she felt it wasn't neccesary, being that she did so well in my class, why do the teachers have to know. Well, the new teachers just ignored her, let her do her own thing, because when they mentioned to mom, that they can't deal with her individually, as they have a whole class to deal with, mom should get a shadow for her, mom refused claiming she doesn't need, she didn't have last year. She totally reverted. All work, I put in, went to waste, as the next teachers didnt want to overextend like I did.

Year later, mom was ready to take a shadow, but that teacher refused to let a shadow into her class... I don't know what happened after that.

Point is hiding is not to anyone's benefit.