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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 12:47 am
Is it so terrible for children to see a parent get upset with their behaviour? It sounds to me like parents should always stay calm and never raise their voice. Is there never a time that they deserve a yelling? Is this a new/ younger way of parenting? My mother raised her voice when she was very stressed out. I don't remember feeling threatened by it.

Am I wrong to say that it is good to express emotion? I mean all types of emotion (sad, excited...) And obviously no extremes.
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Aylat




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 1:01 am
I agree with you, OP.

I used to believe that my aim as a parent was to always be calm, never yell etc. That belief was a disaster for my parenting because I would bottle things up and bottle things up until I almost exploded.

Through therapy I changed that goal to being a decent human being. Human beings experience a range of emotions and I try to model for my kids how to express and handle difficult emotions in healthy ways.

There is a difference between yelling, "I am so frustrated right now! I am running around getting ready for Shabbat and nobody is helping!" And yelling (or saying or muttering under your breath), "You are a bunch of lazy, entitled good-for-nothings!"

Kids will experience stress, anger, disappointment and frustration, as well as positive emotions, and it's important that they have role models showing that a) it's ok to have those feelings and they don't need to suppress them, feel threatened by them, or are bad for feeling that way, and b) a range of ways of dealing with and expressing negative emotions healthily.
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 1:25 am
I don't think it's terrible for kids to see their parents get upset.
I think it's scary if the parent loses control when they get upset.
I also think it's harmful if this happens a lot.
I do think I can develop better parenting skills to replace yelling, and they would probably work better too. I admire parents who are always calm (yes I do know a couple of those.) But I don't think the rest of us are necessarily messed up. We're just trying our best with what we have. And what we have is occasionally kids being needy in noisy stressy ways when our mental energy is already depleted. At which point you switch to damage control and try for a better tomorrow.
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Aylat




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 3:41 am
seeker wrote:
I don't think it's terrible for kids to see their parents get upset.
I think it's scary if the parent loses control when they get upset.
I also think it's harmful if this happens a lot.
I do think I can develop better parenting skills to replace yelling, and they would probably work better too. I admire parents who are always calm (yes I do know a couple of those.) But I don't think the rest of us are necessarily messed up. We're just trying our best with what we have. And what we have is occasionally kids being needy in noisy stressy ways when our mental energy is already depleted. At which point you switch to damage control and try for a better tomorrow.


Friends used to say to me that they admire how calm and chilled I am with my kids, and I would think, you don't see me at bedtime....

I agree with the rest of what you said, especially being upset vs losing control.
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 9:10 am
I'm thinking of someone specific where I spent a lot of time in their house but yeah it would be fun to think there's no such thing Wink
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 9:18 am
I've always told DD, that if you have to yell in an argument, that means you've already lost the battle, and you've got nothing good to say. Saying something louder does not make it more true. DD gets scared when I lower my voice and speak extra gently, because then she knows I mean business!

Kids quickly learn how to tune out of your yelling. Not only that, how do you teach "indoor voices" if you're always raising yours?

I save my yelling for real emergencies, like a car that is barreling through a crosswalk, a fire, or other life threatening situations. When I NEED to yell, I want to make sure that I make an impression that I MUST be listened to. Otherwise, I'd just be a bunch of background noise and not be taken seriously.

Sometimes you need a tap, and sometimes you need a hammer. Good parenting is knowing when and how to use your tools.
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 9:51 am
FF, I love how you explained and expressed this. I agree with every word.

I can say things firmly as a parent, and use "I" statements about how I feel about a topic, etc...Just this morning I let DD know, quietly and firmly, that I'm her mother and there are certain things I get to make the decisions about at this stage in her life (she's 11).

Yelling is when I see a child heading for the street, or doing something dangerous.
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Zehava




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 9:54 am
Deserve a yelling? Never
I do lose my cool sometimes. I’m human. But I try to make sure my kids know that it’s not them, it’s me.
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keym




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 10:22 am
Like Aylat said, there's a big difference between yelling AT a child, and getting frazzled and not staying calm. Yelling "you kids are a bunch of lazy no-goodniks who never help" that's a problem.
Saying even frustratedly "I am frazzled and overwhelmed because there's too much to do. I would appreciate help and cooperation". Way healthier. And appropriate. Kids can know that their mother gets frustrated, stressed, etc.
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 23 2019, 2:41 pm
Come on, we all know there's a space in between calm and abusive. Sure a lot of the time I say "I'm frustrated and wish you would help more" but there are also moments, not too often, when even a good mother might snap into "OMG WOULD YOU ALL BE QUIET ALREADY/HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS/STOP!!!" If you're on the ball then you apologize after but if you reached that point of disintegration you're probably first going to need to lock yourself in the bathroom with chocolate.
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