Secret monies | Imamother

urban gypsy

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 8:50 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

I kept a stash hidden from Ex-dh. To be honest, I didn't start squirreling away money until I realized that it was the only way to escape his abusive behavior. I opened up a separate bank account and put down my parents' home address. Each month I was able to direct about $300 to this account until I had enough to leave him. (The rest of my earnings continued to go to our joint household expenses.) I had to pay for my Get and it was worth every penny.

I'm afraid to ask... how much did you pay for your get????? Crying

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 8:59 am

teachkids wrote:

I'm wondering why I got hugged for this...

Plz don't wonder about a hug. There are effusive huggers here who show genuine empathy, and then there are people who will hug anything you write, even tame stuff like, "I use olive oil to cook"

It makes 'em happy, let' em do it. No need for introspection... It's weird, I know.

ETA corrected mommy brain spelling..

And... A HUG! Thank you! You're too kind!

Last edited by Jewishfoodie on Thu, Aug 29 2019, 10:25 am; edited 1 time in total

Jewishfoodie

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 9:14 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

I do.
I have to periodically make my stashes un-secret because how much cash can you keep hidden in the house safely? But then I move it to my own account that he can't touch. But even aside from that I always ususally have about $5000 cash hidden in the house just in case. I don't know why I started doing this other than my mom always told me to have my own little nest egg for a rainy day. But after going through a really, really rough patch in our marriage last year, I am very grateful to have these funds all to myself if needed.

Apropos of nothing, where do you keep this stash? When will you be out if your house, like, for shopping with your DH?

Random questions..

When it comes to money, as FF said, women will do what makes them feel safe. Since we ultimately raise the kids and all the burdens that come along with that, our experiences dictate whether or not we will have a stash. A woman in a safe marriage will not feel the need, likewise a women with a transparent relationship. OTOH, a woman who was ever told, "No. You can't have money for that." Or, "I'll decide what to do with the finances. You chill.." or "I forbid you to give money to so and so.." will immediately go into "I gotta save just in case" mode and will squirrel away her entire marriage to create a nest egg that only she knows about.

It's actually a necessity. It would be dangerous for her if she didn't drive, he had a temper, and drove her somewhere and she had none of her own money to get out of a bad situation.

I teach my children from age 6, never go anywhere if you don't have enough money in your pocket to get home on your own. I've seen so much in my lifetime, it's actually a must for some woman. It's sad. But it's the truth.

Men can use money to control women.
Women do not appreciate being controlled.

I speak for some people, not all.

FF, that was profound.

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 9:43 am

No secret stash. I have two bank accounts left from before I was married that are in my name only. My husband knows about them both. I don't keep the transactions "secret," but my husband can't access either account himself. Not that he's ever cared to.

One is my oldest account, that I've had since junior high school. It has a few thousand dollars in it and receives a direct deposit of $10/week to prevent the bank from charging a fee. I only draw on this account on the rare occasion when I pay someone with Paypal.

The other is an online banking account I opened in college. I keep about $10-15K in there, with a direct deposit of $1500/month from our joint account. I use this account to pay my student loan payment, fund Venmo payments for various small expenses, and to pay our lawn guy. This account is nice because I can have paper checks mailed by filling them out online.

Laiya

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 10:15 am

amother [ Cerulean ] wrote:

When I married I had an account with a substantial amount of money and I didnt tell my husband about it because my mother suggested I keep a little nest egg. I trusted my husband completely financially and I would have given it all anyway towards our first house. I genuinely didnt give it much thought and just left it in a drawer. My husband found it and could not get over it . He has never trusted me completely 100% since and we have been married for over 25 years.

You kept the stash in a drawer? How much was it??

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 11:14 am

hodeez wrote:

If you have a healthy marriage, why would you do this?

Nobody could predict the future. Even with a very stable marriage you never know what will happen 10 or 20 years.
I remember asking this question a few years ago on a similar thread and now even with a great, stable marriage I totally understand it.

amother

Lavender

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 11:18 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

There is a difference between a secret account, and an account only in the name of the wife (or husband).

Going into a marriage, a couple should be honest about their assets and liabilities.

amother

Blue

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 11:44 am

I have an account in my name only bec it was such a hassle to get all the documents for both of us(but since I read about beneficiary for a bank account??? I will make my dh my beneficiary). However, my dh knows about it but has no clue about the $ in it bec. I take care of finances. When we first got married, I left him to do finances, and he spent without budgeting and without first paying bills.

So, now I purposely move over $ to the account in my name in case my dh decides to take $ from our joint account(and hell lie to me) and I needed that $ for bills like kids registration or credit card bill.....my dh sees the $ and thinks "great we have "extra" $", but he doesnt realize I didnt pay bills yet. Many times our account went negative bec he spent without leaving the $ for bills.

So im in control of the $, but somehow my dh always has these new gadgets or all this junk food(who doesnt love to buy "extra" good food?))....etc. so I think he has a secret bank account from me or maybe he begs his rich relative for $. Im not stupid to think he somehow got these things without $, but he always lies to me. I hate that I have to control the $ and wish I could trust him to control the $. Now, I look like "im controlling", but really im doing the best for me, dh, and kids bec. If I didnt "control" and "hide" $, we would be on the streets. He hides $ and spends on himself....while I "hide" (but he knows $ in my name) $ and spend on dh n kids. Also, if I leave cash on table for lice check or shul bill or.. hell take it and lie, so I do hide cash in the house and I tell him "pls dont take any cash you find, its for xyz!".

amother

Bisque

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 1:40 pm

I have a couple of brokerage accounts in my name from when I was a minor that have a good amount of money. They're not a secret, but DH has nothing to do with them and doesn't know exactly how much I have in them. DH and I also have separate checking accounts that we use to fund our joint account. I think it's really important for women to have some money that's just in their name. Even if you have control of the money, in a bad situation a spouse would have every right to drain the joint accounts. But I guess that's a reason to have separate accounts, not secret accounts.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 5:03 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

To those of you who have your own private stash and your husband knows about it, how did you broach that conversation? What was your husband's reaction? How does that impact your relationships?

I said: I have money saved up. He said: you don't have to tell me. It's yours. I said: we're a couple, I want to be honest about it. It's xy amount. He said: what so much?!?! I said: yeah it's important to me, who knows I might need it , or our kids might need it one day. He said: okay.

MiracleMama

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 7:10 pm

Jewishfoodie wrote:

My husband has never once denied me anything or complained about my spending and I still squirrel money away. It's nothing to do with him or my marriage. It's just something about myself. It makes me feel safe.

btdivorcedmom

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 7:50 pm

I trust him with the most precious of my possessions , my children. Next to this , money seems like not such a big thing to trust with . We both have joint and separate accounts , and both have access to all 3 of them. I am the main bread winner , in case you are wondering . This is my 2nd marriage . I did get burned in my first marriage , being completely locked out of all family money , even though I made most of it. Nevertheless , I do not have , nor plan to, have a secret stash, for the reason above. If I trust him with my children , surely I need to be able to trust him with my money !