Secret monies | Imamother

amother

Bisque

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 4:57 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

I said: I have money saved up. He said: you don't have to tell me. It's yours. I said: we're a couple, I want to be honest about it. It's xy amount. He said: what so much?!?! I said: yeah it's important to me, who knows I might need it , or our kids might need it one day. He said: okay.

pretty much same here. I told him about it, and he said okay. He didn't question why I had it or ask for access. I wouldn't ask for his money that he had before we were married either. If we needed it for something, we'd have that conversation then.

amother

Mistyrose

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 5:21 pm

I always thought there was no reason to- but I became smart around a year ago and opened my own bank account thank God. I was always the one that scoffed at all the amothers here who said that women should always have money put away, but I’m glad I listened to them. Now I’m getting divorced and I’m very glad that I have money put away.

amother

Red

Thu, Aug 29 2019, 8:35 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

To those of you who have your own private stash and your husband knows about it, how did you broach that conversation? What was your husband's reaction? How does that impact your relationships?

"Hey I'm at chase now- I'm opening up my own little slush fund. K? It's for when I wanna buy things that you don't want to know about. Can you please take the chicken out to defrost? Love you bye."

amother

Maroon

Fri, Aug 30 2019, 6:01 am

I didn't "open" it, I had it from before but I think the reaction would be the same.

OK. Same way he reacted when I told him before marriage how much money I was coming in with.

I'm a SAHM and my dh is the breadwinner.

I feel more comfortable knowing that I have some money that I can use that doesn't involve him. For example I couldn't find "our" started checkbook last time I went to mikvah. He's much more organized then me and doesn't like it when I keep starting new checkbooks so I just took "my" checkbook and used it instead.

He always says that if we have the money I can spend it but he still goes over the credit card bills and will check with me about anything unexpected to make sure it's "legit. I still like to know that there is some money that I can spend without him and that I have money in case anything happens especially since I'm not earning money.

I don't usually use it. I usually use "our" money and when I get new money trust/ gift/inheritance... I usually "share" it Smile

but one timed we used some from my account and the next time I got money he'll say let's put this money back in your account without me saying anything.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Aug 30 2019, 6:33 am

Personally I think it's weird to hide money from your spouse unless you have marital issues.

If you have separate bank accounts because one of you is bad at taking care of financial issues/paying bills etc, that's different because it's not a secret account.

I would feel very hurt if my DH hid a large sum of money / a bank account from me.

debbie321

Fri, Aug 30 2019, 2:05 pm

A friend gave me the idea that every month, put around 100 in an envelope seperate from everything. This way, it adds up, and when the time comes where I need 2 buy a mew wig/jewelry/expensive personal item, I wont have to put down all the money at once and feel like I wiped out an account. Told my husband about it, and he thought it was funny. He reminds me every month 2 put money in it. He doesnt know how much I have, amd when I bought a new wig, amd most of the money was from the envelope, it made a huge difference

amother

Chocolate

Sat, Aug 31 2019, 10:48 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

To those of you who have your own private stash and your husband knows about it, how did you broach that conversation? What was your husband's reaction? How does that impact your relationships?

Before we married I told Dh that we should each keep our individual accounts and then start a new joint account. He was ok with that. How does it affect our relationship? I don’t think it does. But it does mean that our gifts to each other are real gifts. if we pool our funds and he buys me a gift from our pooled funds, then the gift isn’t really from him since I’m paying for half of it. And the same is true if I buy him a gift. So we buy gifts from our individual accounts, not the joint.

Also if either of us doesn’t approve or agree with the other’s purchase, it’s ok if that person pays for it out of his or her own funds. Let’s say I want to buy a frivolous designer bag that dh thinks is a waste of money or dh wants yet another electronic toy that I think is a waste of money. This way we don’t argue about it.

In any event dh is primary beneficiary on everything so it’s not like I’m hiding anything from him.

Ruchel

Sun, Sep 01 2019, 1:54 am

debbie321 wrote:

you understand it makes no difference right

DVOM

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 4:38 am

urban gypsy wrote:

To those of you who have your own private stash and your husband knows about it, how did you broach that conversation? What was your husband's reaction? How does that impact your relationships?

I didn't broach it, my husband did. When I started taking on private clients (aside from my full-time job) he insisted on opening a separate account for that money. He talks and thinks about that money as 'mine' and won't touch it. The joke is that I hate dealing with money or bills and he manages everything, including my 'secret stash' (his words) that he set up for me. We used it down to nothing when we brought our house, and then used it down to nothing again when we did some crucial work on the house last year. Now that stash is pretty small, but it'll grow. My oldest son will be 13 in 2 years time, and I think it's time to start putting away for that. I guess I think of it like a savings account.

It's interesting for me to see how many woman manage the money in thier households. I would never be able to do it. I'm really thankful that I don't have to. I would find it so stressful. My husband gives me cash at the start of the week for groceries. Budgeting that is enough for me.

DVOM

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 4:46 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

This is interesting. For the past many years my husband has been in school and has earned nothing at all. I make our sole income. Does that mean that gifts he gives me are not 'real?' He does all the money managment in our house. So if he budgeted, saved, thought of what would make me happy, and gives it to me, it's not a 'real' gift? This is interesting. I guess I don't think of my/our money that way. What if the roles were reversed? What if a stay at home mom who generates no income saves from her grocery money or whatever and gives her husband, who is the sole income earner, a gift? Is it not a 'real' gift? What about my kids? All thier money is tecnically mine, certainly originates from my husband or me. If I give my son 20$ for his birthday, and he chooses to use some of it to buy me a gift, would it be less 'real' than if he earned the money himself?

amother

Ivory

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 6:40 am

DVOM wrote:

That is how my dh sees it, though I disagree. Before I was working, he grumbled when I bought him things, because he was paying for it. But he's a curmudgeon, so ... I feel like I hope that most people aren't like that.

Rappel

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 7:01 am

DVOM wrote:

I feel that way. As a SAHM, I feel very uncomfortable buying a gift for my DH, even though that's clearly his love language - the money simply isn't mine to spend. (DH doesn't usually budget money specifically for my use - we just note things like that as general expenses - so I don't have a portion I can give back to him.)

I will make a gift for him, though. A basket, a kippah, or even special food, all count as a "gift" in his eyes.