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Money matters and arguments preparing for the wedding
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 7:58 pm
How do you solve arguments and decide how to divide the expenses. Who is the decision maker and who pays the most?
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amother




Jade


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 8:02 pm
The young couple ends up “paying the price” if the parents can’t compromise.
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amother




Amber


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 8:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How do you solve arguments and decide how to divide the expenses. Who is the decision maker and who pays the most?


Are both sides from the same community - or atleast hashkafa? There are community norms. Agree to follow community norms.
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 8:22 pm
amother [ Amber ] wrote:
Are both sides from the same community - or atleast hashkafa? There are community norms. Agree to follow community norms.

Not same community. The wedding is at the kalla’s community. What about paying for the wedding. How do you divide it?
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Wife1




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 9:25 pm
By my wedding y parents and il I'd half each
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 9:53 pm
Wife1 wrote:
By my wedding y parents and il I'd half each

Who decides on the hall and how many flowers and band or DJ etc
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amother




Amber


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 9:55 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Not same community. The wedding is at the kalla’s community. What about paying for the wedding. How do you divide it?


talk to people from Kalla's community.
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amother




Navy


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 9:57 pm
With two different communities and norms, this is something that needs to be worked out between the parents. Every effort needs to be made to keep things amicable for the sake of the young couple.
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amother




Rose


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 9:59 pm
My parents had something like this. In our city you get Gemach fake flowers. And rent a plain chuppah. There is no florist.
The kallah said she was getting custom arrangements each table. Custom mechitzas. Custom wall behind the kallah. Custom chuppah with backdrop. And in her city it’s standard.

My parents made some phone calls. Found out the averahe spent and just Gabe her that has the budget. I’m sure it really bothered them because they are so simple and see things like this as literally throwing away money. But in the end they treated it as an investment in the future couples happiness.
If someone doesn’t have the extra money for this I’m not sure what you are supposed to do. I’m sure it’s hard.
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ImaLAEma




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 10:10 pm
There are different community norms. Some do half/half. Some do kallah's side 2/3, chassan's side 1/3. Some do chosson's side pays for Flowers, Liquor (if having), Band, and Photographer, Kallah pays for hall and food.

If you are coming from different norms, please try to compromise as much as possible - arguments between the families can really damage the young couple's relationship.

Hatzlacha!
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amother




Orchid


Post  Thu, Aug 29 2019, 10:57 pm
The family which wants to spend the money should spend the money to fund the wedding they want and the other family should contribute only the amount that is customary in their own community. In other words, one family should pay amounts over what the more frugal family would customarily pay for a wedding.

I am assuming both families are no more than normal middle class so that spending large sums of money on a wedding is a significant financial strain.

If one family is truly extraordinarily wealthy, then I would think differently but frankly if a family was extraordinarily wealthy and had issues with spending what was the "norm" for the other side's wedding, I would think they were extremely unpleasant and mean spirited and would take it as an omen of how they would interact about all things in the future.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 12:29 am
What about if one side is coming by plane and has travel and accommodations expenses for them and extended family also making a Shabbos before the wedding for a big group of people. Do you calculate this in the split?
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amother




Rose


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 12:30 am
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
The family which wants to spend the money should spend the money to fund the wedding they want and the other family should contribute only the amount that is customary in their own community. In other words, one family should pay amounts over what the more frugal family would customarily pay for a wedding.

I am assuming both families are no more than normal middle class so that spending large sums of money on a wedding is a significant financial strain.

If one family is truly extraordinarily wealthy, then I would think differently but frankly if a family was extraordinarily wealthy and had issues with spending what was the "norm" for the other side's wedding, I would think they were extremely unpleasant and mean spirited and would take it as an omen of how they would interact about all things in the future.


High expectations doesn’t mean richer.

If one family is from Cleveland and one is from Toronto the expectations of flowers is way different. It doesn’t mean the Toronto side is wealthier or can afford it more. It just means standard in their community is extravagant flowers, chuppah, mechitza, basekin. All costum made. If you have Cleveland flowers at a Toronto wedding it would be embarrassing. It’s hard to go with cultural norms when it is out of your comfort zone.
(No offense meant to those in throws coties. I just used as examples).
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amother




Rose


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 12:31 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What about if one side is coming by plane and has travel and accommodations expenses for them and extended family also making a Shabbos before the wedding for a big group of people. Do you calculate this in the split?


No. I never heard of that done.
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amother




Amber


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 12:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What about if one side is coming by plane and has travel and accommodations expenses for them and extended family also making a Shabbos before the wedding for a big group of people. Do you calculate this in the split?


no - but you calculate that into your bottom line total of "we can't contribute more than $$$ to this wedding - we're sorry".
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amother




Salmon


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 2:19 am
As the parents of the groom, we made no decisions, had huge travel expenses and paid for half the wedding.
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amother




Brunette


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 2:19 am
Well that's sometimes something that can be avoided from the start. If you see or hear that the girl is high maintenance and your family is quite frugal.. I wouldn't even send my son on a date with her. If you didn't see the signs and all of it happened... She won't stop being high maintenance after the wedding so your son better get used to it because he has no other choice.
I would tell the family what my budget for the wedding is, if they can work with that fine, if not they can pay the extras themselves. We are frugal because we have to be. I won't go into major debt because a girl wants custom mechitzahs. If the family can't understand that then thats not the right girl.
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amother




Orchid


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 3:48 am
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
High expectations doesn’t mean richer.

If one family is from Cleveland and one is from Toronto the expectations of flowers is way different. It doesn’t mean the Toronto side is wealthier or can afford it more. It just means standard in their community is extravagant flowers, chuppah, mechitza, basekin. All costum made. If you have Cleveland flowers at a Toronto wedding it would be embarrassing. It’s hard to go with cultural norms when it is out of your comfort zone.
(No offense meant to those in throws coties. I just used as examples).


That wasn’t my point.

Just as it is a red flag if one family is insistent on forcing the other side to pay for a wedding they don’t typically do, it is also IMHO, a red flag if a family that is extremely wealthy is unwilling to use its financial resources to smooth things over for the couple by funding its share of a wedding that is customary for the other side.

In both instances, one side is showing an unwillingness to put aside its differences and work together. I personally think that is unpleasant selfish behavior.
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amother




Lime


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 3:57 am
Usually, the boy's side makes a big Shabbos before the wedding and the girl's side makes one after. So that evens out. Travel is tough, especially since you're not usually going to be in on any of the decision-making since you don't know the choices. By my wedding, we decided to split down the middle, and there was travel, but both sides had fairly similar aesthetics. It turned out that our side had significantly more people coming, and their side hadn't realized how much certain things would cost by my city, so my parents quietly absorbed the difference.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 11:16 am
What if the kalla side want an evening wedding during winter time because that is customary in their community but the chosson side commuting by plane and want a 3pm wedding.
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