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Money matters and arguments preparing for the wedding
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pesek zman




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 11:34 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What if the kalla side want an evening wedding during winter time because that is customary in their community but the chosson side commuting by plane and want a 3pm wedding.


Compromising on time of day to accommodate OOT guests is a no Brainer and pretty basic derech ererz. This is NOT something to make hay over
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icedcoffee




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 12:05 pm
Haha I had the time issue too - my husband's family is Persian and their weddings typically start 6 at the very earliest and people don't even show up for shmorg until like 8 half the time. My parents really pushed back because all of the OOT guests were from my side, plus my family has a lot of elderly people who don't really stay up that late, plus none of the non-Persian guests were used to that schedule considering they have work the next day. It just wasn't fair to choose a preference for evening over actual convenience for guests. But when it comes to these compromises there is no easy "right" answer because both sides need to talk it out and come to an agreement. Even if it's "normal" for one side to pay for something, for example, you can't force people to do it if they don't want to. It's so stressful! Hopefully everyone can approach it with a reasonable and understanding attitude.
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shmosmom




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 1:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What about if one side is coming by plane and has travel and accommodations expenses for them and extended family also making a Shabbos before the wedding for a big group of people. Do you calculate this in the split?


Nah, they knew they'll have to travel when the shidduch was going on. And the other side is busy hosting them and finding where they should stay...
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shmosmom




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 1:47 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What about if one side is coming by plane and has travel and accommodations expenses for them and extended family also making a Shabbos before the wedding for a big group of people. Do you calculate this in the split?


Nah, they knew they'll have to travel when the shidduch was going on. And the other side is busy hosting them and finding where they should stay...
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Fave




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 2:47 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
What if the kalla side want an evening wedding during winter time because that is customary in their community but the chosson side commuting by plane and want a 3pm wedding.


If it’s not on a Sunday or Legal Holiday, it’s not fair to expect Kallah to do a 3pm wedding. She won’t have anyone there that early.
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ROFL




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 3:31 pm
When my dd got married in israel. Both she and her chatan families are in the states but they lived in israel already. His side decided they will only give x amount of dollars. My daughter asked my budget and I said let’s find out how much things cost. At the end we paid a bit more because his side was stubborn and kept to the amount they offered - by the way. They appear to be wealthier than us- it was not fair for my dd to be stressed and not get what she wanted at her wedding.
But it was cheaper to do the wedding in israel then it would have been to do it in our area.
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imorethanamother




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 4:09 pm
OP, just a weird question. Since everyone is different on here, and you're getting advice from essentially strangers, why don't you just talk to the other side and get your answers? Are you not able to discuss any of this with them?
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Ellie7




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 4:51 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
But in the end they treated it as an investment in the future couples happiness.


This.
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thanks




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 5:55 pm
We did 'Flops' at all our childrens' weddings. Boy's side pays for flowers, liquor, orchestra, photography. (s is for sheitel, not always done.) It was much easier since we did not need to discuss every detail and get approval for every expense, and it comes out to about even for both sides. At my son's wedding, I let the kallah and her mother design and choose the flowers. I knew they had great taste, and I'm clueless. They really appreciated it, and it saved me from having to take care of it.
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amother




Navy


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 5:57 pm
thanks wrote:
We did 'Flops' at all our childrens' weddings. Boy's side pays for flowers, liquor, orchestra, photography. (s is for sheitel, not always done.) It was much easier since we did not need to discuss every detail and get approval for every expense, and it comes out to about even for both sides. At my son's wedding, I let the kallah and her mother design and choose the flowers. I knew they had great taste, and I'm clueless. They really appreciated it, and it saved me from having to take care of it.


FLOPS came out equal to paying for the hall and food?!?!
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thanks




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Aug 30 2019, 6:27 pm
amother [ Navy ] wrote:
FLOPS came out equal to paying for the hall and food?!?!

Yes.
Flowers $5k
Liquor $2-3k
Orchestra $5k
Photographer $5k
Thats $18k, and these are very rough estimates. Obviously higher end will cost even more, and each item can be done for less too.
We paid more than the boy's side at each of our daughter's weddings, but the peaceful arrangements were worth every penny to us.
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