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Forum -> Parenting our children
Do you FEEL like a single mom?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:16 am
Not if you actually are, but feel it. I was talking to another imamother and when I told her that my dh is not home all week, she said I must feel like a single mother at times. She herself is a single mother. I told her no because even though my dh is not there physically, he is always there emotionally as a father and I'm independent enough not to feel like that.

So my question to you mothers that feel like they're doing it all on their own always or at times, is it more because your dh doesn't help or is it more emotional?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:24 am
you gave her the right answer and the sensitive answer
if you are not a single mom while you may have a challenge it is a different challenge--
you are right -- you are not a single mom with all that entails -- trauma-- and emotionally, financially vis a vis the children and otherwise-often it means you have someone fighting you in court and otherwise r”l
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:40 am
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
you gave her the right answer and the sensitive answer
if you are not a single mom while you may have a challenge it is a different challenge--
you are right -- you are not a single mom with all that entails -- trauma-- and emotionally, financially vis a vis the children and otherwise

Thank you, but that was the truth. I wasn't trying to give the right or wrong answer, but I'm glad in hindsight it came out sensitive towards her.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:46 am
ok so if there is a thread that prompts perhaps people to start chiming in that they FEEL like single mothers but are not....then what is the point? because that is not so sensitive to single mothers of which there are unfortunately many
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:50 am
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
ok so if there is a thread that prompts perhaps people to start chiming in that they FEEL like single mothers but are not....then what is the point? because that is not so sensitive to single mothers of which there are unfortunately many


I opened this post wondering where it was going.
I think that OP was greatly sensitive, and I think that her friend was too. It's nice that people can be so empathetic to each other. But I suspect that this thread will ultimately irk single mothers, and very understandably so.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:50 am
A woman with a husband not home is not a single mother. It's insulting to say you feel like a single mother to all the single mothers. Your DH is out earning your support. Single moms don't have this. They don't have your safety net. They don't have anyone to share the emotional burden of raising kids.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:55 am
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
ok so if there is a thread that prompts perhaps people to start chiming in that they FEEL like single mothers but are not....then what is the point? because that is not so sensitive to single mothers of which there are unfortunately many

I understand what you're saying, but I wasn't the one who said about being a single mother, she was. It didn't even occur to me. I'm sorry if you feel it's insensitive to actual single mothers, but there's always something that someone is sensitive about and why would single mothers open the thread when I wrote feel, not actual. Very often I read how women feel like a single mother and I was wondering what exactly make them feel like it, the actual physical presence and helping or more emotional. It's just conversation and I thought interesting. Don't participate if you don't want to and if no one wants to they won't either and than the thread won't go anywhere. I don't think it's such a sensitive topic for actual married women and that's who the question is for and many have complained about that exact thing.
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:55 am
A person who is not a single mother can't reasonably comment on whether she feels like a single mother, unless she has herself at some point been a single mother.

Reminds me of a never married friend of mine who used to ask friends who were breastfeeding if they "felt like cows".
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:59 am
YES
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:59 am
In response to people's concerns about the OP's question, it can be complicated. Yes you could say it's insensitive to say you feel like a single mother when you aren't really, but at the same time, I think some people don't realize just how hard it is for some of us mothers who are not technically single. Yes we must be sensitive to single mothers...but that doesn't mean we have to invalidate the hardships of married women who mother alone.

Let me explain myself. I often do feel like a single mother, more so at some stages of my life than at others. I have a husband with a host of physical and mental health issues who is usually not capable of acting like a "normal" father. Currently things are better than they have been in a while, but in the past there were long stretches where I was the main, and often sole, breadwinner of the family, and dh couldn't even be left alone with the kids. At one point we were separated for a year and actively being a single, albeit still married, mother was FAR EASIER than living with a man who made my life so impossible.

No, it's not the same as being divorced. And I'm certainly not trying to play the "my life is harder than your life" game. And none of this describes my life at the moment. But yes there have certainly been years where I felt like a single mother and I have learned to mourn and accept the fact that I will never feel like part of a real, whole couple.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 8:59 am
Oh my goodness, people say all the time how they feel like a single mother when they're are not. I never did. A feeling. Not that I'm into feelings if you feel like something, but are not it you don't actually know what it feels like because you are not it.!! It's just a figure of speech. Whatever!! Close the thread if you want. I don't care. I'm done!!
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 9:01 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Oh my goodness, people say all the time how they feel like a single mother when they're are not. I never did. A feeling. Not that I'm into feelings if you feel like something, but are not it you don't actually know what it feels like because you are not it.!! Whatever!! Close the thread if you want. I don't care. I'm done!!


Why did you start this thread?
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 9:07 am
amother [ Ruby ] wrote:
A person who is not a single mother can't reasonably comment on whether she feels like a single mother, unless he has herself at some point been a single mother.

Reminds me of a never married friend of mine who used to ask friends who were breastfeeding if they "felt like cows".


When LDH died, I was a single mom. You can't compare that to a divorced mom either. There is no one else for even a moment.

Both DHs are workaholics. Big difference when someone is not physically present, but they are part of the team. I wouldn't call myself a single mom even when DH was out of the house before they woke up and returned after they were sleeping.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 9:15 am
OP has a friend who knowing her particular situation was very generously empathetic. I don't think that in theory, with random people, on a thread like this, it's fair or even morally correct to expect this kind of talk. Two people, like OP and her friend, with IRL connection, can do that.

But you know what we all can do? We can all be sympathetic and empathetic and say, maybe your experience is now giving you more insight into mine. Or, on some level, yes, we can identify with each other, even feel the other's needs more. As in, the single mother who's in a carpool with someone whose husband is away for work on week's on end, and she's at a point where she can graciously help her younger harried friend. Or maybe the younger harried friend, after 3 weeks solo, wakes up and realizes, wow, maybe my single friend could use a "just because" carpool offer sometimes.

Who knows? This thread could spark a kindness revolution, in all directions.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 9:23 am
There are times I feel like a single Mom.
But it has nothing to do with my husband's physical presence at home.
He suffers from depression and anxiety. He still is able to pull a paycheck by working long hours doing more menial work.
What makes me feel like a single mom is that everything is on my shoulder. All scheduling, appts, discipline, therapies, teachers meeting, financial arrangements, etc.
He is not capable physically or emotionally of taking responsibility or initiative for anything.
He clocks in and out, and presents me with a weekly paycheck that is nowhere sufficient for our needs so I have to work almost full time.

So yeah, I do feel like a single Mom when things are rough. Not to minimize the amazing work of a divorced or widowed woman. But loneliness comes in many forms.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 9:24 am
GROOOAAANNNN.
I hate when people tell me that!
My husband is a 2nd year law student. His hours last year we crazy- he was out of the house from 6:30am till about 10pm, and some days 11pm. Now, I naturally am a very happy and optimistic person. His schedule didn't bother me in THE SLIGHTEST. Yes, I am a full time employee (40 hr work week). Yes, we have a toddler to take care of, and I am expecting #2, iy"h. No, I don't have cleaning help or any family anywhere nearby.
But I never once complained about it or dreaded anything! There are so many positives! The biggest positive: after my kiddo goes to sleep, I have plenty of time to relax, clean, cook, work out, shop online.... before hubby comes home. It's great!
And then there are those negative storm clouds that keep telling me "aw I feel so bad for you!" And "you must feel like a single mom" and "dont you miss him?" And "that's sooooo hard I can never imagine doing that".
Um hello if you're trying to make me feel good, you're wasting your time! You're actually putting negative thoughts and feelings into my head. So go away. And dont let you husband go to law school k bye
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 9:28 am
amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:
ok so if there is a thread that prompts perhaps people to start chiming in that they FEEL like single mothers but are not....then what is the point? because that is not so sensitive to single mothers of which there are unfortunately many


I'm a single mother in much pain and don't mind this thread at all! We single moms don't feel sad if someone's life is better than ours.

Let everyone live and discuss whatever is on their mind!
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rikki 1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 9:45 am
So...I'm the single mother mentioned upthread that started this conversation. I truly was being empathetic to my friend and realizing her life is no picnic just because her husband is home on weekends. With my experience as a single mother I was able to understand that her life isn't so simple just because her husband is home weekends.
I feel my friend was getting attacked for no reason, she was just putting out an interesting observation. No need to get so riled up.

Now excuse me, gotta run to get my son ready for yeshiva he's starting tomorrow. First time doing this and doing it alone. So I won't be back on much to check on this thread.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 11:11 am
It’s funny bec I always find it so insensitive when ppl tell me they feel like a single mom (single mom here) A single mom has nothing to do with the hours your dh is home. Is the emotional, shared dreams, worries, financial, emotional backup..

So many times when I don’t have my kids for Shabbos ppl will say- I wish I had a weekend off. Like seriously???? And I learned that they are overwhelmed and never get a break etc but it really minimizes my pain and all that I went through...

Thanks for this post. I wish I had more people in my life like you who understood that single mom doesn’t just mean putting the kids to bed alone... that’s the easiest part of it! Sometimes the emotional load is so great and there is no one to unload it to
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 01 2019, 2:43 pm
amother [ Smokey ] wrote:
It’s funny bec I always find it so insensitive when ppl tell me they feel like a single mom (single mom here) A single mom has nothing to do with the hours your dh is home. Is the emotional, shared dreams, worries, financial, emotional backup..

So many times when I don’t have my kids for Shabbos ppl will say- I wish I had a weekend off
. Like seriously???? And I learned that they are overwhelmed and never get a break etc but it really minimizes my pain and all that I went through...

Thanks for this post. I wish I had more people in my life like you who understood that single mom doesn’t just mean putting the kids to bed alone... that’s the easiest part of it! Sometimes the emotional load is so great and there is no one to unload it to


Re the bolded: Surprised Sad Confused I think I'm missing the old emojis. There's well-meaning empathy, stupidity, and a whole lot of territory in between. But this was hands down stupidity. (And I hope that when I put my foot in it, I'm clearly in between.)

Big hugs!
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