Appropriate consequences?

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amother

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 10:32 pm

When my children hit (or similar misbehaviors), I find myself telling them that they'll miss out on the next treat. On bad days, I hear myself throwing around that 'punishment' too much and I don't like the dynamic that I'm creating in the house.

What are appropriate consequences for misbehavior, that are fair and won't breed resentment in my children?

#BestBubby

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 10:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hi, I am a SEIT.

The purpose of punishment is to stop or reduce misbehavior.

Is your punishment working?

For young children, punishment must be as immediate as possible. If you threaten to take away a treat they are supposed to get tomorrow, young children won't care.

One method often advised is a chart/reward system.

If the goal is to reduce hitting, then for every 30 minutes (or whatever interval) there is no hitting, the child gets a star with a weekly prize for a certain amount of stars.

You should also teach children how to resolve conflict without hitting.
Ask children, "what should you do if someone grabs away your toy"

Answers: tell them to give it back, tell mom/teacher

Role play resolving conflicts.

amother

Green

Mon, Sep 02 2019, 11:25 pm

Depends on the age of your child, number of children, disposition......

When mine were little, and hit, they would have to sit on the bottom step and think of 3 (or 5- dependent on age) of mitzvahs they can do with their hands. Hashem gave her hands for mitzvahs and now we need to think of mitzvahs to do with them. Then depending on the age, she would have to draw pictures of herself doing the mitzva or "write a sentence "
We also had this for biting and kicking.

As a counselor, when her campers came late to davening or talked during davening, she "punished" them by making them learn about tefillot with her during free time (just for like 5minutes but it made the point)

dankbar

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 12:08 am

First separate them. Show compassion to victim. Tell them you trust them to resolve fight without hitting & see what they can come up with. Teach to express with mouth rather than hands

Ima4therecord

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 12:15 am

First before any form of punishment is enforced I would look at the underlying reason why they are hitting. Punishment should be a last resort because it only quickly ends the behavior at that time and it ends it out of fear. It doesn't really teach anything.

First are they tired? Hungry? Irritable? Sad?

... Obviously this depends on the age... But there needs to be a deeper understanding of what's going on... What are your family dynamics? Is the child hitting getting enough positive attention (kids would rather negative attention than none at all)? Are their needs/desires bring acknowledged (if younger child is constantly taking older child's toy and older child went to you to speak about it but it wasn't acknowledged, then older child might not know what to do except hit).

If there is other stuff going on, then punishing without another solution isn't good because the child isn't being taught how to handle their issues (usually the solution is... Use your words, come to an adult to ask for help, find a way to let out frustration another way, find another toy .are a few).

I dunno I think when there is hitting there is always something else going on...

That being said, if you can't find any deeper cause... A natural consequence would depend on the situation and age.. But generally removing them from the situation is a natural consequence (if they r in a fun place and hit then a natural consequence would be to sit out and not be able to play anymore.

I would need a more specific example, but even with not hitting... If a child screams in store, then you tell them they will not come next time if they continue scrraming.. And you need to be consistant even if they r behaving well the next time u go to store... Cause you need to show them u mean business.

Chayalle

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 9:26 am

with young children, consequences need to be immediate or they don't work.

I would separate children who are hitting. If a child hit, they would need to be in their room for the number of minutes of their age (but you don't need to be "yekkish" about that - adjust it to the child's capabilities.) So a 6 year old is 6 minutes of time-out....

The underlying message is that you need to be appropriate in order to be a part of society/family, and hitting is not appropriate.

It worked with my girls, when they were little.

With one of my children, it was a bit more challenging. I did alot of role playing with her. We had a set of little "mentchies" and named them Raizy and Perri. Raizy had a hard time controlling herself, and Perri was appropriate. When DD would hit/throw a tantrum/etc...,we transferred the behavior to Raizy, and Raizy had to be put into time out. DD would go get the Raizy mentchy and put her in the corner, or something like that. We discussed how Perri ended up happier for behaving. Strange as it sounds, the negative behavior would stop and I saw alot of improvement in DD's self-control with this method.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 10:10 am

I babysat for an amazing mother of a 3 year old who tended to tantrum. She would separate the behavior from the child, and say "That tantrum is stopping you from having fun! What should we do with the tantrum? Should we lock it in a box? Should we throw it off the balcony? Should we tie it up in a bag? If we can get the tantrum to go away, then we can have fun again."

I was seriously shocked at how effective this is, and it doesn't take down the child's self esteem at all. She knows she's part of the tantrum, but she also knows she has choices about what to do to make it stop. It's really good for learning emotional regulation.

amother

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 1:36 pm

Great ideas here, ladies.
Thank you!

WindowMagic

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 6:16 pm

An appropriate consequence fits the misdeed. For example - child speaking disrespectfully, parent not willing to engage until respect is used.
A child is making too much noise, parent leaves room to get some quiet.
Child bothering sibling, parent takes sibling aside for some space/time together.
Child destroys property - doesnt get new belongings.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 9:06 pm

My toddler I put into her crib for hitting. She can come out when she "calms down" if she hits again it's back into the crib.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 9:23 pm

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

My toddler I put into her crib for hitting. She can come out when she "calms down" if she hits again it's back into the crib.

It's generally not a good idea because the toddler comes to associate the crib with punishment, and therefore bedtime with punishment.

#BestBubby

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 9:34 pm

Some strap a toddler into a high chair or car seat for hitting.

Laiya

Tue, Sep 03 2019, 10:45 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Some strap a toddler into a high chair or car seat for hitting.

It may seem obvious but worth adding, if following this method, don't leave the child alone, and it shouldn't be for more than 1-2 minutes or so (I personally would not put a toddler into time-out)