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Do you think its ok to send kids school before theyre ready?
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amother




OP


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 10:38 pm
Im asking from the perspective of a teacher and also a mother. I teach 3 and 4 year olds but it applies to all ages in preschool.
If a kid walks confidently and happily into school they are ready to be there and want to be there. Emotionally they are fine and ready.. or even maybe a kid will walk shyly into school and needs some time to warm up but is mostly ok. They are also ready.
But when I see kids being dragged into school kicking and screaming for their mommies, or kids who sob for 2 hours an entire morning or a kid will maybe not be crying but will stand in a corner the entire day and refuse to play or eat..
it breaks my heart. and makes me wonder why on earth do we subject our delicate little babies to this emotional distress. It is surely damaging to their pysche on some level. If a kid begs for his mommy and is in distress the first few days of school I cant help but wonder what the effects are long term.
yes most of these kids will adjust and after a few days or maybe a few weeks they will stop crying and they will be happy. They will maybe even love school. but for those few days or weeks that they are sobbing are we damaging them on some level?
I keep imagining if someone dropped me off somewhere without anyone that I knew and told me to stay there and I had no idea of a concrete time when I could leave..how I would feel.
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amother




Mint


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 10:45 pm
If we didn't get them used to this at 3 or 4, it might very well happen at 6 or 7 - except instead of crying and screaming, it would just be an outright "I'm not going."

Also, many kids at that age are not happy to just be home and really crave social contact. Not all, but many.

I used to believe playgroup was basically cheaper babysitting until my son became a toddler.
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miami85




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 10:52 pm
Having been a preschool teacher and now a mommy, I can relate to this on both sides of the coin.
1) Even as a special-ed preschool teacher, most kids usually adjusted by the end of 2 weeks. There were a few rare special cases of a month or so, but for some kids the transition is hard. For those kids, its going to have to happen sooner or later, often its the kids who its their first time away from mommy have it harder, but the transition has to happen at some point. When people asked me how the first day of school was, I would respond, "Its not day 1 that I'm worried about, its day 2, 3 &4" when the kid realizes that this is the new routine. But by the 2nd week it usually is easier.

2)We face a hard reality that most parents work these days, and while no parent wants to drag their kid to school, reality is that they have to work and preschool is more often than not cheaper than a full-time babysitter. I had kids who were bored and bouncing off the walls and ready for school by 3, but in my mind I found that in terms of childcare while I was working, it was more cost-effective.
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amother




Puce


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 10:54 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:

I keep imagining if someone dropped me off somewhere without anyone that I knew and told me to stay there and I had no idea of a concrete time when I could leave..how I would feel.


Thats why little children usually have a chance to be acquainted with their teacher in the presence of their parent - who demonstrates to their child that this is a person you can trust and will take care of you.
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miami85




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 11:04 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
Thats why little children usually have a chance to be acquainted with their teacher in the presence of their parent - who demonstrates to their child that this is a person you can trust and will take care of you.


Most preschools have an orientation of some sort where the parents can come in with their 3-4 year olds and can get a sense of the classroom before starting or a few partial days before going full-time. In my special-ed preschools when they didn't have that, parent were welcome to stay around in the building, we often took pictures of the parents if the child was really not adjusting. The first week or so we did a lot of discussion about "going away and coming back"
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amother




Gray


Post  Thu, Sep 05 2019, 11:37 pm
I think that a lot of this has to do with personality type. My kids are home bodies and their favorite place to be is with me at home. But the reality of life is that I have to go to work. My two older kids cried almost every single day when they were younger. And now they are happy as could be. I think it had zero lasting effects on them.
My 4 year old now also gives me a tough time almost everyday but aside for that initial leaving me, the teacher says he's happy the rest of the day. I think at some point it just becomes a habit, time to go to school means time to kvetch.
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amother




Oak


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 12:38 am
From my experience I had with my kids , they were always kind of nervous before they went and started acting up not be willing to go.
It was always the first day which was hard but then they always went happy ever, loving to interact with other kids. My kids are very sociable and friendly and they are very mommy kids as well. I think most of the percentage of kids do look out for it and end up happy . Definitely has to do how the teachers show up to the kids as well.
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amother




Oak


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 12:40 am
Before they're ready they belong in a private playgroup that makes it less frightening then a bigger school.
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amother




OP


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 12:41 am
but at age 6 or 7 wouldnt they be more emotionally and cognitively ready? meaning they know that its only for a few hours and soon they are going home. and even if they feel uncomfortable now they know to stick it out until the day is over. Little kids even if you tell them this, they dont really know what it means and still cry anyway. its not even the softly crying ones that will accept a hug from their teacher and let themselves be comforted that disturbs me. Its the shrieking howling kicking ones that their mothers are prying them off their clothing. and yes they had orientation. It just seems so unfair to these kids. they are simply not ready. Ive seen it first hand where a mother put her 3 year old in school and he cried for weeks. she pulled him out and tried again 2 years later. He was 5 and he walked in the building calm and with a smile.

Ive had a girl who stood like a stone in one spot - the spot by the door where her mother dropped her off , and refused to move the ENTIRE day. she didnt use the bathroom, didnt eat. for 8 weeks. and this was a super happy girl bubbly when she was with her mother at home. after 8 weeks she moved around the room, but she was quiet and withdrawn.
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 12:58 am
OP you are spot on and we need more teachers like you to spread awareness about this! Young children do not NEED to be in a school setting and like you say, it can be very detrimental to their development. The early years should be spent with their mothers- this is where the love and nurturing comes from (in a healthy situation)- and this is what helps their psyche develop so that they can be confident, feel safe and learn to trust. Mothers who leave their children kicking and screaming because they need to 'go to work' or 'get on with their day' have sadly lost the plot.

Thanks for raising this very important issue!
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:16 am
I found that when I was a teacher for young kids, that the longer the mom stayed on, the longer the kids were crying and not ok, mom felt awful so just stayed on longer, but truth was as soon as mom left, most kids calmed down & settled in. I used to tell the parents to leave and kid will be fine.

I did have one student crying every day for months, I used to take her on my lap to soothe her, then later she would stay lingering in the corner & not come join the activities, until we got to the root of the issue. She loved the negative attention when I stopped giving it to her she stopped seeking it.
Another girl would only cry when mom put her onto the bus, as soon as her mom was out of eyesight she would stop. It was more of a way to stir her mom.
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amother




Puce


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:24 am
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
OP you are spot on and we need more teachers like you to spread awareness about this! Young children do not NEED to be in a school setting and like you say, it can be very detrimental to their development. The early years should be spent with their mothers- this is where the love and nurturing comes from (in a healthy situation)- and this is what helps their psyche develop so that they can be confident, feel safe and learn to trust. Mothers who leave their children kicking and screaming because they need to 'go to work' or 'get on with their day' have sadly lost the plot.

Thanks for raising this very important issue!


I take it you don't 'go to work'.

She's talking about three year olds. The 'learn to trust' attachment phase is over.
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dankbar




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:25 am
Another girl had major social issues & year before she entered my class, she only stayed in corner playing with a doll, all day, not uttering a word to anyone or join anything, for entire year.

Principal told me that she is a very fragile soul & I should handle her with -"zeidene henchech-"silk gloves"( the taam of meaning gets lost in translation"). I saw stubborness underneath it all, so I did build up her confidence with lots of love/patience/understanding/attention but also didn't let her get away with doing her own thing, I was adamant that she must come join & cooperate. Lo & behold in mid year she was like a head counselor, leading the class.
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JoyInTheMorning




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 4:24 am
dankbar wrote:
Another girl had major social issues & year before she entered my class, she only stayed in corner playing with a doll, all day, not uttering a word to anyone or join anything, for entire year.

Principal told me that she is a very fragile soul & I should handle her with -"zeidene henchech-"silk gloves"( the taam of meaning gets lost in translation"). I saw stubborness underneath it all, so I did build up her confidence with lots of love/patience/understanding/attention but also didn't let her get away with doing her own thing, I was adamant that she must come join & cooperate. Lo & behold in mid year she was like a head counselor, leading the class.


Dankbar, "handle with silk gloves" is very much a phrase that has been used in English for a very long time. It didn't need to be borrowed from Yiddish.

ETA: "Handle with kid gloves" (where "kid gloves" refers to gloves made from the skin of young goats) is even more common in English. It's the same idea.


Last edited by JoyInTheMorning on Fri, Sep 06 2019, 6:05 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Cobalt


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 5:49 am
A child crying at school does not mean that they're not ready for school. It just takes time to get used to a new place and most kids stop crying as soon as mom leaves.
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amother




Mint


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:08 am
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
OP you are spot on and we need more teachers like you to spread awareness about this! Young children do not NEED to be in a school setting and like you say, it can be very detrimental to their development. The early years should be spent with their mothers- this is where the love and nurturing comes from (in a healthy situation)- and this is what helps their psyche develop so that they can be confident, feel safe and learn to trust. Mothers who leave their children kicking and screaming because they need to 'go to work' or 'get on with their day' have sadly lost the plot.

Thanks for raising this very important issue!


Floralwhite, who's providing you the moola?
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notshanarishona




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:13 am
Most kids stop kicking and screaming as soon as mom leaves . I find prolonging the goodbyes to be worse.
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amother




Floralwhite


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:14 am
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
I take it you don't 'go to work'.

She's talking about three year olds. The 'learn to trust' attachment phase is over.


I actually do go to work but I understand that it's uncomfortable to hear this stuff (most posters on this forum who say anything like this get attacked). If raising children is our most important work- we are entrusted with precious lives that depend on us- then that needs to be our primary focus. Yes, even at the expense of our jobs.
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amother




Puce


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:21 am
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
I actually do go to work but I understand that it's uncomfortable to hear this stuff (most posters on this forum who say anything like this get attacked). If raising children is our most important work- we are entrusted with precious lives that depend on us- then that needs to be our primary focus. Yes, even at the expense of our jobs.


I'm not uncomfortable - could not understand why 'got to work' was in quotes.

I do however, disagree with you.
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amother




Coral


Post  Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:22 am
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
I actually do go to work but I understand that it's uncomfortable to hear this stuff (most posters on this forum who say anything like this get attacked). If raising children is our most important work- we are entrusted with precious lives that depend on us- then that needs to be our primary focus. Yes, even at the expense of our jobs.


Then why do you work?
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