Do you think its ok to send kids school before theyre ready?

southernbubby

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:45 am

Rappel wrote:

I agree with OP. I think it's the mom's responsibility to prepare her kid appropriately for school. If after all that, he's still not ready, then she needs to find an option he is ready for. Thank heaven, none of us are slaves, and we can choose how we want to approach our child care.

True. There are loads of books for that age that can be read to kids.

pesek zman

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:45 am

I feel like I’m in alternate universe

All those who have the luxury (and it is a luxury) to consider ‘is my child ‘ready’ to go to school?’ Means they are home with their children. It means that they do not need to work. I’m happy for you but please recognize this is a privilege many of us don’t have. Not working for me wouldn’t mean sacrificing my career: it would mean sacrificing my home! Is homelessness for Gd forbid not paying the mortgage preferable to having a working Mom? How about not having any food? Or not having new clothes or shoes or coats? BH I have a full time job that allows me to LIVE and afford to take care of my family. And for that reason my baby stated school (daycare) at 4 month. BH I was able to cobble together 4 months of leave because many people don’t have that much or can’t afford the unpaid time and have to go back at 6 weeks. BH I found a safe and warm environment close to my work where she thrived! Was she ‘ready’? Who knows? But she got ready. I believe in modeling adaptability, resilience and a can-do attitude. So if you can afford to stay home with your kids then hooray for you!! But not everyone can so please keep your judgemental assessments to yourself

100

amother

Orchid

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:46 am

Op, I definitely understand where you're coming from. I work in a school too, and I see the same groups: some kids are happy right away and transition easily. Some kids need more time to warm up, and then they're fine. And then there are the kids who are clearly miserable for months on end, or even all year long.

There was a girl in my daughter's class last year who was three years old and lay limply on the classroom floor the entire day. All year long. The teachers tried everything, and the only thing that perked her up was having her mother stay in the classroom. Her mother actually didn't work but I don't know what reason she may have had for keeping her in school. I've seen her in the park and she's a totally normal child. She was NOT READY FOR SCHOOL!

So yeah, parents who work may not have a choice. I definitely believe that keeping kids in a smaller, less formal child care situation is best for as long as possible. I don't understand the reasoning that it's better to get used to school at a younger age than in first grade. Why? There are different developmental stages, and what's actually normal at age three is not going to be present anymore at age seven. I would guess that a seven year old crying on the first day is most likely a child who was sent to school way too young for HER NEEDS, and she does in fact have lingering effects that make it hard for her to transition even at age seven. Waiting until they're ready is doing them a favor. There is nothing to be gained by "training" them when they aren't ready. Know your child, and do your best to find an appropriate setting for him. Chanoch lnaar al pi darko.

amother

Ecru

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 8:49 am

The kids that cry that they don't want to go to playgroup are usually the ones that cry later on in the year, on days when there's no playgroup!!
It has to do with personality, transition to a new setting...
Very rarely kids are traumatized by leaving there mothers(although it does happen occasionally. )
I'm a playgroup morah and I'm talking from first hand experience!
( age and maturity does make a difference but most people dont have the flexibility of having a choice! )

amother

Firebrick

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 9:36 am

I agree with you OP 100% and wish more teachers and parents had that intuition to understand child development properly. Floral white, you will have a lot of people arguing with you but you are spot on. Children don’t “ need” to be in school at the young age of 2. Some thrive and are ready and some are not. When I was in kollel even though we were living on a shoestring budget I never made childcare decisions based on which was more cost effective, it was what will be best for my specific child. ( And in case anyone thinks I’m a perfect mother I have many many shortcomings lol) Most kids have too many physical needs that need to be met that can not be met by 2 teachers on 15 kids in a 2 year old playgroup. In an ideal world even a 3 year old thrives best on shorter hours in a playgroup. When a child is kicking and screaming when you drop her off don’t just leave! ( even if that’s what they all used to say 10 years ago) Your child will feel so much more secure if you transition her slowly. First off in the summer talk about school a lot and tell social stories about children going to school. Then on the first day tell your child thy you will give her a kiss / hug and wave good bye and then you will leave and that you will pick her up at a specific time ( example right after rest time) and then keep to it. If a child screams she is communicating to you something. She might need a slower transition. Most children though who are ready for school and who have a secure attachment will be fine. ( obviously there are always exceptions to the rule) Thank you OP for bringing up this topic; it’s really wonderful to spread awareness.

keym

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 9:46 am

I feel that for most parents, sending their preschool kids out is not negotiable if you want to be able to pay the mortgage,have bread, etc.
BUT there are so many different options, and I think parents need to be more flexible that way.
Some kids are great in large preschools, attached to huge elementary schools, going on the bus at 2.5/3.
My kids would not. They needed small playgroups. Some needed warm Bubby Morahs, some needed stricter. But I interviewed and chose who to send to (a choice I wouldn't have in a large school). And I or my husband brought them and picked up. No busses.
Often times, a kid crying or carrying on past the first few days of transition is not that they're not ready for school, but rather they are not ready for this type of school.

amother

Azure

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 9:46 am

Like pesek zman, I also started all my kids in daycare at 4 months. I don't have to work full time, but I choose to. My kids BH are very happy with their daycare and school. They've never had separation anxiety in either environment. It may be harder for older kids to adjust to going from home to group care for the first time.

My kids did occasionally protest being left other places, like shul babysitting, and in those cases I stayed with them until they were more ready.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 10:18 am

My son was with a nanny till he turned 2.5 and at point was thrilled to go to daycare because he saw his sister go out every day, and he lacked weekly socialization with other kids (too hard to arrange play dates daily with a nanny). I did find the large daycare was overwhelming for him and they did not give him the attention he needed, so I opted this year to pay $200 more a month to put him in a smaller, warmer more attentive place. I am fortunate I can make this choice but as a full-time working mom, there are difficult choices to make and I don't believe any one makes them lightly. As a trade off, I now have to take him at 2:30 Fridays for an hour of PT because there are no PTs who will come to his daycare.

amother

Blush

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 10:56 am

As others have said, keeping children home in today’s world is a luxury. It’s very nice for those who can, but it reeks of entitlement to judge those who can’t. Yes, some children have a more difficult time adjusting, and parents need to help their children with the transition, but I doubt that they’ll be scarred for life, if anything it helps them gain independence.

That said, the Lakewood school system only starts in Kindergarten or Primary, younger children are almost exclusively at private Morahs. (There are some daycare centers.) While this system is very difficult - no busing, fluctuating hours year to year, etc. this thread makes me think that maybe there’s merit to the system. There are no children on busses here under the age of 4 or 5.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 12:19 pm

That said, the Lakewood school system only starts in Kindergarten or Primary, younger children are almost exclusively at private Morahs. (There are some daycare centers.) While this system is very difficult - no busing, fluctuating hours year to year, etc. this thread makes me think that maybe there’s merit to the system. There are no children on busses here under the age of 4 or 5.

Same is true for Monsey and though it is a pain, I would not send my child on a bus without the proper car seat because it is illegal for a reason. My daughter's school had a private van with booster seats for the 4 year olds- something like that with car seats for playgroups or daycares would be amazing for anyone looking to make money in Monsey. Only the chassideshe playgroups offer transportation here and I don't know how they do it.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 12:23 pm

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

amother

Amber

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:01 pm

Having taught pre-school for a number of years I totally agree.

Some kids are just not ready, and it's not doing any favors keeping them there.

One year there were twins in the toddler class who - by January - were STILL wailing all day every day. The parents had a full-time nanny; there was literally no reason to keep them in the program. Had they taken the kids out after a couple of weeks and then tried again in January, it might've been easier. But by keeping them in this situation, by the time the following year came around they were still have adjustment issues.

Not all kids are ready at the same age and there is so much nonsense on this thread, it's ridiculous. No, kids won't just automatically be ready because mom is ready. lol.

amother

Amber

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:02 pm

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Sounds like they don't have separation anxiety because they never got to bond with you. They were spending all day with strangers from infanthood.

amother

Amber

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:04 pm

pesek zman wrote:

Or it means they've made different choices from you. You've chosen to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world, so you are choosing to put your baby in daycare from infanthood to support that.

Someone else might choose to move to an outer suburb, or rural montana, because they value staying home with their baby more than living in New York City.

pesek zman

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:11 pm

amother [ Amber ] wrote:

What about my husband being unemployed? For 2 years. Did I choose that too? I’ve been supporting my family on my own for 2+ years

And if you’re going to refer to things that I’ve said in other posts, consider using your own screen name to do so. Anything else is cowardly.

imorethanamother

Fri, Sep 06 2019, 1:26 pm

Wow. This thread is what one blogger used to call "Drive-By Mommy". You drive by, you say the meanest, most cutting thing to a mother you've never met before in your life and have never met her or her children, and decide that she's doing something terrible and her children are scarred forever.

Everyone calm down and be NICE. People can work, people can stay home, people can have those "nannies" everyone says so viciously. And guess what? Kids can thrive in all environments, under lots of different circumstances. Promise.

There is no ONE EXACT way everyone must raise their kids. And sometimes, the kid you see crying on the first day of school is just how they adjust to change. I know grown women who cry on their first day of work. Change is hard. For everyone. Let's leave the judgments at home.