If your child is ready...

mom_13

Sun, Sep 08 2019, 2:30 am

Just finished reading the thread on school readiness and have two things to say
A) Pesek zman, I'm sorry that you needed to experience such horrid thoughtless behavior. No one should have to have their choices put on a pedestal to be judged by perfect strangers.
B) That said, I will put mine out there because there seems to be some general confusion about attachment.
As a new mother, I was terrified about attachment and the effects of working. Yes I had to work for both money and sanity, it is a thing. Yes I did/do live in NYC and understand that rent here is obscene. I also understand that I am the kind of person that needs to be around my family and my comforts in order for me to function optimally. Being that I was concerned, I consulted my pediatrician who is well know in my community. Not saying his name because I value my privacy but he did tell me this: Spending time with kids is a lot about quality, more so than quantity. What do you do when you're around your kids? Are you on your phone and physically present but mentally checked out? If so your presence makes no difference. However, if when you are around your kids your phone is buried somewhere in your work bag and you are completely focused on them, the message they receive is "I am all that matters to my mommy" Nobody can know the quality of another parents time spent with their children and therefore really can't judge. I have since done some digging and the research echoes his narrative.
My kids are older now. I still work and live in NYC. My phone disappears from when I walk through the door till the last kid is asleep (or to be brutally honest, the time ds should be asleep). One of my children who is more anxious started school now at the tender age of 3. We discussed what happens at school. We discussed how much a mommy misses her children when she's at work and how mommies think about their kids all day but know how much fun kids have at school when they can color and play together. We do homecoming snuggles and I am grateful that I can be the one putting her on and taking her off the bus, something I know not everyone can do.
Ladies, if we really want to build a generation of healthy attachment we need to look ourselves in the mirror and see what vibes we give off. To our kids. To other women. In real life and online. We lift ourselves by lifting others. And if we can't lift others, because we all have bad days sometimes, the least we can do is keep quiet. And maybe take a bubble bath or long hot shower with a favorite body wash, uninterrupted.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Sep 08 2019, 5:24 am

I found that whole thread interesting, because in Israel school is MANDATORY starting at 3. They take it very seriously, and if your child is not registered in gan by that age, the government comes after you. Your only option is to get approved for home schooling.

DD was allergic to the pertussis vaccine, and whooping cough was epidemic in Seattle. Her doctor told me that she needs to be out of group settings until she was 5, and her lungs would be strong enough to cope if she got exposed. That meant that she didn't go to school until she was in kindergarten.

She had been ready to go to school for years before that! She drove me up a wall, and begged to play with every child she saw. We went to the park every chance that weather permitted, because outdoors was safer regarding spreading germs.

She was very behind socially in school, and it took a few years for things to get straightened out. It didn't help that all the girls in her class knew each other from the age of 3, so she was outside of their clique. She eventually needed speech and language therapy, and a social skills group to help her maturity along.

amother

Purple

Sun, Sep 08 2019, 6:32 am

I just want to comment that I work til 3 everyday and my kids are by daycare/ school every day. We went away for a week in the summer and spent lovely family time. We had such a nice relaxing time together bh.
On the other hand, my friend is a stay at home mom. She also went away recently with her husband and kids. She commented afterwards to me that omg I need a vacation from this vacation. She doesn’t understand how to just relax and bond with her kids for a week straight.
It’s not necessary the stay at home moms who enjoy being Home BONDING with their kids. They are home because they can afford it. Some of them spend their days at the gym, cleaning, cooking and shopping. Maybe playing a game with their toddler every other day. Not every Sahm is like this but many are.
Otoh there are PLENTY of moms who would LOVE to be with their kids every day but simply cannot. Wether it’s because their husband is in kollel (yes I know that’s a choice) or if the husband isn’t making enough money.
The point is what you do when your kids are around. I agree that’s it’s the quality, not the quantity. Are they your first priority???

amother

Taupe

Sun, Sep 08 2019, 8:03 am

amother [ Purple ] wrote:

Best post I've read!! So true

amother

Papaya

Sun, Sep 08 2019, 8:30 am

I've worked at tens of places in childcare.
If you MUST send your child out. Please, make sure they have cameras. Look into the place, the teacher, send them with hidden cameras! Anything! I'm telling you, I've seen and heard of so much abuse, and borderline things that aren't technically abusive but you would NOT want for your child. Trust me.

I was in a place a few months ago where a bunch of the babies woke up after 40 minutes and for the next hour and a half they just left 18 babies in a room alone, SCREAMING. No cameras, no proof, tired young girls trying to pay for college, and annoyed at this job, bosses hiring anyone who will stay, no background checks or anything. Scary.