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I've got a weird phone call...
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amother




Seashell


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 12:53 pm
sarahmalka wrote:
OP sounds entitled or clueless herself. Why should the relative give to you with your mean and ungrateful attitude? You should be happy that she wants to preserve an uncomplicated relationship with you because money damages relationships.

It's not about the money. Saying no is one thing, offering money to charity "on her behalf" is like rubbing it in her face.
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amother




Amber


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 1:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks Ayalet for your response and input. I gives me a way to understand why she could have done that.
I was thinking of telling her, well I don't need the listening ear, I need actual help.
And Thanks but no Thanks for the Tzeduka sponsorship offer "in our name", You can actually give us that check.
I didn't feel gutsy anough to respond.


I feel for you! It’s not easy being on the receiving end let alone dumb comments!!

My only sister is quite well off, she lives a high lifestyle and can afford to give to many organizations and gets honored at dinners etc.
meanwhile, we struggle to make ends meet. She knows it but doesnt offer to help me out

I don’t ask her to because she isn’t obligated-but since I’ve been there for her many many times in many different ways whenever she needed me (such as taking care of her kids on multiple occasions for as long as a week while she’s on vacation or has a baby but I never got the same courtesy) it bothers me that she can’t be there for me when I really need it. And I did other things for her too not just childcare.

And it’s hard!! Seeing her going on vacation/trips very often and all the stuff she has and takes for granted while we really struggle is a true test from hashem.
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 2:49 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Clueless how?
Not understanding our dilemma?
What I wanted from her with my call to her?
Not knowing what it means to be poor?


She should be giving you her maaser money! How doesn’t she understand that?
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amother




Bronze


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 2:52 pm
I legit have a cousins who are worth over a billion dollars. They donate millions of dollars a year to charity. However, we would never ask them for help. It's not because they are bad or stingy - some people need boundaries so they don't feel like people call them for every donation or when they need money, etc. It could be a boundary thing with OP's relative as well.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 2:54 pm
Cheiny wrote:
She should be giving you her maaser money! How doesn’t she understand that?



The OP pointed out that her relative, "gives nice amounts to Tzedaka, especially to family members...."

Maybe there's just not a whole lot left to give, after giving, over a period of time, to other family members.
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amother




Red


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 3:05 pm
Just a point to those that are able to give- not trying to derail this topic but I wouldn't make a spin-off.
I unfortunately need others help- hopefully not for much longer. But there's a way to give. I sent a message thanking someone. He said I'm only Hashems shaliach. Don't thank me.
It gave me such a good feeling because I hate being in this position. I wish I could be the one giving(crying again).
And believe me when I daven I have those who help me in mind.
Not only those who help me financially.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 3:21 pm
watergirl wrote:
She could be one or both of those.

She could also have her own stuff going on that OP does not know about. Maybe her finances have taken a turn that OP does not know about?
Maybe she is tired of people in the family knowing how she gives tzedakka to other family members and talking about it to each other? Maybe she feels like an ATM - could it be that OP is not the only one who called her in this way recently and she started to resent it?

I do want to think it was daft of this relative to call OP back with her offer. But I also think there is usually a reason when people behave in this kind of manner - not a kind reason or what most people would think is acceptable - but a reason.

OP, I am davening that your finances change and you will be on the other side of that phone call soon and be able to open your checkbook to those in need.


Just because she has stuff going on, doesn’t excuse her idiotic responses. My conclusion: she’s either mean or stupid.
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Laiya




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 4:25 pm
sarahmalka wrote:
I agree with Zehava and dankbar. Speaking from the perspective of having a wealthy relative that gets asked to give to the financially struggling relatives, it gets OLD! And creates terrible relationships in the family. My wealthy relative is so sick of being solicited that she is on the verge of cutting off all connection with her sibling who keeps asking, and I witness personally the damage the requests have done on that and other relationships. I also have a wealthy friend who has lost 2-3 very close friendships due to the complications of having given $ to struggling friends. OP sounds entitled or clueless herself. Why should the relative give to you with your mean and ungrateful attitude? You should be happy that she wants to preserve an uncomplicated relationship with you because money damages relationships.


Could be the relative picked up on OP's hinting and didn't like it, but calling her back with an offer to give tzedaka in her name was odd.
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urban gypsy




 
 
 


Post  Tue, Sep 10 2019, 8:01 pm
Squishy wrote:
This is one reason I hate donation cards. You giver feels virtuous and gets to signal they are virtuous by giving a donation, but maybe the recipient needs the money.


This blows my mind.
Have you ever heard of the concept of doing a mitzvah in someone’s name?
In what context would it be appropriate to give someone $18 in cash as a gift because you thought they needed the money? Do you only give gifts of cash?
If someone sent you a thoughtful greeting card with a message that they made a donation to tzedakah, would you really be angry that they didn’t give you the cash instead?
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amother




OP


Post  Wed, Sep 11 2019, 4:53 am
I wanna Thank all of you who took the time to read my post and respond. I'm especially Thankful to the ones who wished beautiful wishes upon us.
I really appreciate the positive responses and showing that you understand my feelings and why I felt baffled by her offer.
I did not appreciate the negative comments and making me feel horrible. (SuraMalka and Zahava).
There's always a nicer way to say things, and if you don't have anything nice to add, please don't post anything. These comments are hurtful and uncalled for.
I mentioned that we are going through a very challenging time financially. I mentioned that my relative has lots of money. And she gives tzeduka. I mentioned that I am close to her, meaning I speak to her often about random stuff as well. I mentioned that knowing that she gives charity, I wanted her to know that we can also use assistance now. And she does not need to give to an organization on my behalf, she might as well give it directly to us.
If you feel I'm totally wrong, please keep it to yourself.
Again, thanks so much for all the encouraging words.
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amother




Lavender


Post  Wed, Sep 11 2019, 3:25 pm
Do you understand that for the person with the money it is VERY uncomfortable to get a direct ask. If she chooses to give she might prefer to do anonymously to preserve your relationship. To that point it may have been better to have someone have that conversation on your behalf. Also if you are going direct, a specific amount for a specific thing would be much more pleasant that just a general ask, like for an open check. Like we really need this and have no way.....do you think.if it comes to it youd be able to LEND me the money.

Im sorry you're struggling and I know especially when you're so stressed it can be difficult to see from the other persons point of view. I hope things get better for you soon.

And please, accept her generous offer with tuition help!Or at least to your shul and then the Rav can help you out.
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