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Trigger warning - DC spending a lot of money
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 7:46 am
BH, we have and can keep up with DC. But it's not teaching values. DC tells me all the time that DC is going through money fast. The other kids go out to eat all the time, and DC wants to be social and fit in.

Would you limit money on principal? Would you have DC contribute money towards the social life? Would you increase their allowance?

Right now I save what my children earn for their marriage, and I give them roughly $60 a week spending money. I have never been strict with the limit. They need to ask permission to purchase big things which they do. I pay all transportation.

I grew up poor and scrambled for everything. I don't know if keeping the kids a bit hungry is for their benefit.

TIA for your thoughts.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 7:54 am
Is it the norm in this child's circles to go out to eat a lot or otherwise spend easily? If so, you can't expect dc to swim against the tide.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 7:56 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
BH, we have and can keep up with DC. But it's not teaching values. DC tells me all the time that DC is going through money fast. The other kids go out to eat all the time, and DC wants to be social and fit in.

Would you limit money on principal? Would you have DC contribute money towards the social life? Would you increase their allowance?

Right now I save what my children earn for their marriage, and I give them roughly $60 a week spending money. I have never been strict with the limit. They need to ask permission to purchase big things which they do. I pay all transportation.

I grew up poor and scrambled for everything. I don't know if keeping the kids a bit hungry is for their benefit.

TIA for your thoughts.

I would definitely have dc contribute.

How will dc ever learn the value of money if you save what she earns for her marriage?

She needs to learn when to spend money, when to save it, what it feels like for her own hard earned money to go through her hands, to feel the burn and learn the value - to realize hey that wasn't worth spending on, I worked so hard, the benefit was fleeting and I should have saved it for something else.
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amother




Copper
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:01 am
I was also wondering about saving what they earn.

I think kids money they earn is theirs to choose to spend or save. If they choose to spend - sometimes spending money you earn is harder and you think twice. Like if DS wants more expensive sneakers and I tell him we can go 50-50 with his money he doesn’t want them as much.

I don’t know what you should do - or norms in your neighborhood but just a thought.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:30 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
Is it the norm in this child's circles to go out to eat a lot or otherwise spend easily? If so, you can't expect dc to swim against the tide.


DC keeps saying where do they get the money to go out for every meal? I don't know if they actually do go out for every meal or they know that DC can. Like maybe DC is the go to person for company. Or do parents give unlimited like DC thinks?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:33 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
I would definitely have dc contribute.

How will dc ever learn the value of money if you save what she earns for her marriage?

She needs to learn when to spend money, when to save it, what it feels like for her own hard earned money to go through her hands, to feel the burn and learn the value - to realize hey that wasn't worth spending on, I worked so hard, the benefit was fleeting and I should have saved it for something else.


Then I give a pile of cash upon marriage? That will only work for the first one. I want to teach savings. I entered marriage broke scrambling for the second months rent. I don't want my kids to go through that. But I want them to learn reality.
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:36 am
Wouldn't it be ironic if all the parents are contributing to kids finances bc they all think there's this pressure to be going out all the time?

On the other hand... What if you told DC that if they spend more money now they get less later?

My parents told me that they asked for money to help buy the house, out of what would have been an inheritance.

Would something similar work?

If you have (gonna use simple numbers) 10,000 for wedding. And they want 1,000 for eating out then they should understand that they'll only have 9,000 for wedding?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:38 am
amother [ Copper ] wrote:
I was also wondering about saving what they earn.

I think kids money they earn is theirs to choose to spend or save. If they choose to spend - sometimes spending money you earn is harder and you think twice. Like if DS wants more expensive sneakers and I tell him we can go 50-50 with his money he doesn’t want them as much.

I don’t know what you should do - or norms in your neighborhood but just a thought.


We live at the top end of the neighborhood. I said no on principal a lot. I tell DC we can't afford when we can because I don't want them so different than their peers. This is a new environment, and I am not there.

Is $60 a week plus traveling expenses reasonable? Who pays for clothes?
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amother




Copper
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Then I give a pile of cash upon marriage? That will only work for the first one. I want to teach savings. I entered marriage broke scrambling for the second months rent. I don't want my kids to go through that. But I want them to learn reality.


DH and I have a fund where we put aside $150 per kid per month (youngest 4 - older kids funds are doing well so only putting in $50 now). We aren’t rich. It’s direct deposit so it’s like we never had the money. Money is for wedding, setting up home and for them. We also put money in savings account for them on birthdays. I feel like that is their money to start life.

You may be better off putting the $60/month in savings or a fund for him (its amazing how fast the money grows - my older kids funds are very large) and let him use the money he earns. This way he’ll learn financial responsibility while having savings later in.

Having a set amount like $60 per month in cash isn’t horrible. It does teach budgeting to an extent because once the money is gone it’s gone so you have to make sure it lays. It does teach something. As long as you don’t bail him out when it’s not enough.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:45 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We live at the top end of the neighborhood. I said no on principal a lot. I tell DC we can't afford when we can because I don't want them so different than their peers. This is a new environment, and I am not there.

Is $60 a week plus traveling expenses reasonable? Who pays for clothes?


Are you talking about a child in Israel? If so, it really depends on what the expenses are. How many meals are provided by the school, and how many are they on their own. Buying gifts for shabbos hosts, toiletries. Be realistic about what these cost.

Also, my parents have money BH but they are not big spenders either. They're actually very very generous with married kids and also never hesitate to spend when it's something they value. When I was a kid I wasn't told "we can't afford it." I don't see the value in saying that, especially if it's not the truth. But my mother did say, mostly about "stuff," I don't want to buy it because it's a lot of money for a toy (or whatever it was. That taught me that even if you have the money, you have to decide what's worth spending on.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:46 am
OP, you are a bit vague about what type of environment DC is in now, but coming from my own experience, $60 a week seems to be within the range that kids are spending these days, at least in my circles.

I don't understand it and I definitely don't agree with it, but this is what's going on today. Are parents just afraid of their kids? Are they afraid to say no?
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amother




Copper
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:47 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We live at the top end of the neighborhood. I said no on principal a lot. I tell DC we can't afford when we can because I don't want them so different than their peers. This is a new environment, and I am not there.

Is $60 a week plus traveling expenses reasonable? Who pays for clothes?


How old is child? I think parents always pay for standard clothes and some extras unless it’s an ‘extravagant’ purchase. Then have to evaluate. Is everyone really getting it? Do you want to go 50-50 or pay for it alone.
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groovy1224




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:50 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We live at the top end of the neighborhood. I said no on principal a lot. I tell DC we can't afford when we can because I don't want them so different than their peers. This is a new environment, and I am not there.

Is $60 a week plus traveling expenses reasonable? Who pays for clothes?


Why are you telling him you can't afford it? Why lie? Just say no.

You don't say how old he/she is but in my book, $60 a week is more than plenty. If he runs out, he can either go without or supplement it by babysitting or something.

I think putting away some of your kids' earnings is a good idea, because they typically lack the insight and self control to save for the future on their own. But if you are going to overcompensate to this degree to give him extra cash all the time, he's not learning much of anything. It's a normal reaction to want to spare your kids from struggles that you had, but it's important to also give them their own experiences within which to grow and learn.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 8:59 am
I am confused because the OP does not say the age of the child and if the child is living at home.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:00 am
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
I am confused because the OP does not say the age of the child and if the child is living at home.


Child not living home. 18
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:01 am
amother [ Copper ] wrote:
DH and I have a fund where we put aside $150 per kid per month (youngest 4 - older kids funds are doing well so only putting in $50 now). We aren’t rich. It’s direct deposit so it’s like we never had the money. Money is for wedding, setting up home and for them. We also put money in savings account for them on birthdays. I feel like that is their money to start life.

You may be better off putting the $60/month in savings or a fund for him (its amazing how fast the money grows - my older kids funds are very large) and let him use the money he earns. This way he’ll learn financial responsibility while having savings later in.

Having a set amount like $60 per month in cash isn’t horrible. It does teach budgeting to an extent because once the money is gone it’s gone so you have to make sure it lays. It does teach something. As long as you don’t bail him out when it’s not enough.


It's $60 a week. Weddings, schools, expenses already funded for the kids.
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amother




Lilac
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:02 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Child not living home. 18


What does this mean - "Right now I save what my children earn for their marriage"

How do they earn?
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amother




Mustard
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:02 am
does your son earn more or less then $60 a week?
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amother




Copper
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:03 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It's $60 a week. Weddings, schools, expenses already funded for the kids.

So why are you so nervous about money for later.
I think at 18 any money a child earns is theirs to spend or save as they choose. Not for parents to decide.
I thought child was younger.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:05 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Then I give a pile of cash upon marriage? That will only work for the first one. I want to teach savings. I entered marriage broke scrambling for the second months rent. I don't want my kids to go through that. But I want them to learn reality.

I didn't start marriage with a pile of cash. I had a job and I had to budget.
Marriage is real life. Handouts are not real life.
Of course! you can help her out when she's married if she needs it. But it sounds like you're setting her up to rely on you and not learn how to take care of herself. What will happen when you die and she has her kids marriages to pay for? The only way she'll be able to swing that is if you teach her about money from when she is small.
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