Trigger warning - DC spending a lot of money

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:32 am

singleagain wrote:

Is the child in college or Israel that you are funding them? Or are they already having a full time job?

18 is an adult by most standards. Unless they are still heavily financially dependant on you they get to make their own mistakes

I am heavily funding my kids. I told them I will continue to do so through grad school.

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:35 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

I don't understand what this means. If they have different expenses, they will need different amounts of spending money. It's not about favorites.

Have DC write down all the spending for a week. Then review it together and see if it's reasonable, or he can come up with ways to budget differently.

They have fixed expenditures which I don't try to balance to be equal. Tuition and housing I pay regardless. It's the discretionary income I want to keep more or less equal. I am not firm on it. I thought $60 a week was a good amount.

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:43 am

amother [ Lilac ] wrote:

Forget about the passive income. That's not them earning money - that's their savings/investments earning money - reasonable that you are managing that - and probably shouldn't be spent now if you have other income.

Summer jobs, part time jobs - they should have bank accounts that they control - that they can see.

They have credit cards which I pay. I go over the statements with them. I need to set up joint bank accounts, so I can give them money. You are right to let them control it.

Is $60 extra a week reasonable for walking around money? This doesn't include clothes, transportation, or Shabbos gifts.

They do receive dividends of about $5,000 a year each that they know nothing about yet. I want to reinvest that money for them.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:45 am

it's probably best if you don't "fund" children who are already working. you can say that you will pay for their actual schooling but let them pay for everything else including clothing, traveling expenses and shabbos gifts.

I think once a child is an adult working, it's time to loosen the reins...

we put away money for our kids but we don't plan to "fund them" we plan to teach them how to fund themselves. teach your child how to take maaser, how to put away for savings.... how if you go away for shabbos you should bring a gift, how much will that cost...

singleagain

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 9:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It is not money that I am nervous about. It's the future marriage and entitlements that concern me. How can a future spouse fit in with a person who is used to anything they want?

If you are worried about entitlement. Giving them enough money so they can go out to eat 5 nights a week when they get dinner 3 times will build more entitlement.

As for the fact you keep asking is 60$ is enough... That really hard to judge if we don't know the lifestyle.

I will say that for almost the last decade. I have been living with my parents again.

In the beginning it was very necessary for them to support me totally bc I was incapable of holding down a job.

Then I got a part time job. And then a full time.

As I earned more and more of my own money, my spending changed considerably.

I used to by DVDs almost as soon as they came out. I haven't bought DVDs regularly since I got my full time job.

I used to be a lot more liberal with my parents money. Not I only use their credit card in emergencies. Or if I'm buying something huge for them.

This should not be about percents. Not dollars.

Making up numbers:

Out of 100%. 30% for rent. 10% for food. 5% for clothes. 10% for hosting gifts. 15% for transportation expenses. The rest for discretionary expenses.

Or whatever makes sense

amother

Lilac

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 10:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you want to manage their passive income - fine. If you want to dip into that to pay for their schooling - fine.

They should be depositing their own earnings into their own accounts. Why would it be a joint account? They are earning the money.

talk to them about the value of savings - and let them spend their money how they feel.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 10:08 am

op if they are given responsibility for giving their own maaser, buying their own clothing, travel expenses.... their salary won't go as far, they will learn they have to budget or earn more money but it will be a real learning as opposed to an imposed by mommy learning. right now what's the incentive to earn more money, they will get the same discretionary money either way.

Raisin

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 10:08 am

I think they should be allowed to spend money they earned however they like. Let them spend it on pizza and shwarma. Bar and bas mitzva money and dividends should not be given to them.

You are probably better off setting up a bank account for them (they may need to be in the USA to do that although you can always set up a bank account in your name and send them the debit card) that you can transfer their weekly allowance to, and they can also keep in it any of thier own earnings.

My kids who are away at school have their own bank accounts which I can transfer money into as needed. BH my kids are not big spenders however. (One kid, I sent to camp with spending money. He came home with the entire sum untouched)

If your child is getting only 3 suppers a week, I think you should allow him or her a little extra on top of the $60 to pay for that. If one kid gets all meals, and the other doesn't, you need to allow money for the missing meals.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 10:20 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If one has to pay for some meals and the other does not, it should not be more or less equal. Again, you need open communication to understand where the money is going and whether it's necessary to be spending that much.

chestnut

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 10:41 am

Is he working full time and is it a steady job? How much is he earning - $300/month? $3,000?
You gotta let him spend his own money instead of giving him pocket money, if he's working. Let him go our every night if he wants to, but if there isn't enough money for something else or the last week of the month to go out, THAT will teach him budgeting and priorities.

groovy1224

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 10:43 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Because I want them to learn they can't have everything they see.

The best way to learn that is to let them handle the money they earn. If you didn't earn it, you can't spend it. To squirrel away the money they earn and then just provide them with an unlimited stream of cash is not going to help with this objective.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 12:49 pm

I wouldn't put away all of the money they'd earn. I'd have them give 10% maaser, put away 40% and keep the remaining 50% available to them. Alternately, have them save more than 40% and you set up a 401K-like match, so that if they put away $200, you will contribute $20 to that account, or something like that. You can keep up the $60 cash allowance a week as well, or adjust it as you need to.

This will serve a few purposes:

1. They control most of their own earnings, which leads to budgeting, etc
2. They learn the value of saving and of maximizing matching funds
3. You are still contributing generously to them, but on the whims of "what everybody else has"

SixOfWands

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 1:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There are 2 separate issues.

(1) Is $60 a week sufficient pocket money for someone I assume is a high school senior. That's about what we give, so I'd have to say yes. Although community norms differ.

(2) Are you actually teaching a child anything about budgeting or handling money by controlling access to money that she earned so closely. No, you're not. What's wrong with anyone saying look, I can survive on $x, but I'd rather work harder so I can purchase more things. Which is what this child is saying. Talk about investing money and saving for the future, sure. But is she's working for the money, withholding it from her without discussion isn't helpful and isn't teaching her anything.

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 5:43 pm

chestnut wrote:

It's in the range of $3000. Don't you think it would be a disincentive to make them spend what they earn when prior to this, I gave them spending money?

amother

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 5:48 pm

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

I like the idea of matching funds.

Maybe I am looking at this wrong. How often is reasonable to go out to eat and socialize? The kids have kitchen facilities. When I was younger, I went out to eat every meal.

Maybe I can pay for groceries.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 5:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's in the range of $3000. Don't you think it would be a disincentive to make them spend what they earn when prior to this, I gave them spending money?

Huh? I'm so confused. If he's earning 3k a month, why are giving him money altogether? And why are you controlling where his earnings go? This is how adults do it- they earn, and they spend. Learning how to budget and spend wisely comes from his own experience, not from you making rules and limits.

chestnut

Wed, Sep 18 2019, 6:24 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It's in the range of $3000. Don't you think it would be a disincentive to make them spend what they earn when prior to this, I gave them spending money?

Is the 18 y old living on his own? Who pays rent/utilities/groceries/cable/cell/car/uber/metrocard?
Is he in college/12th grade/Israel for gap year?